So I walked out that door without saying goodbye
Tears falling down my face ‘coz I saw you cry
“Thanks for everything!” was all I managed to say
Run as fast as I could, I wanted to get away

I sat on the sidewalk and I asked myself why
I did everything for you, or at the very least I tried
But maybe, just maybe, there are reasons really
That in spite of the sweet things you can never like me

My hair never looks as lovely as your girlfriend’s do
My smile is not perfect, and my words aren’t always true
My heart always seem to find a way to be miserably broken
My body’s not in shape, and I’m far too outspoken

My eyes are awkwardly uneven, my shoes are never clean
Someone told me I wasn’t good enough, now I fear I know what he means
I was always confident but it’s hard to be when you’re low
No one’s ever gonna love me, this one I’m sure I know

I get myself in troubles, and I always fight a lot
I got a tattoo for free, look what a mess I’ve got
I drink ‘till I’m wasted, you even had to carry me home once
People call me a poser especially when they know that I dance

I may not have the Pantene hair; I may not afford to buy clothes at Mango
I do have piercings around my face and cut my wrists and say I’m emo
My sneakers may be a pair of filthy fake Converse
I’m the only one who’s gonna love you even if the world spins in reverse

99 Forevers

One guy and a promise of a hundred forevers
Three months of keeping this emotion in silence
Sudden heart break, depressions, cold shoulders like we’re strangers
A matter of a moment, I can’t do without his presence

Friendship was offered without a single word spoken
Left me with no choice for it’s the only way we’re better
I accepted this fact with my arms wide open
But deep down my shallow soul I wish to die before November

I tried to forget him but the hell it was crucial
It’s the courageous thing ever to do in my lifetime
But what a surprise, I did it though it’s sentimental
Congratulate me; I was brave and mature for the first time

Now I think I did wrong, I shouldn’t let that happen
99 forevers is what’s left of me to hold on to
I wish I didn’t waste that one round that’s taken
Thoughtlessness causes stupid things a fool like me will do

I’m sorry I tried to forget ‘bout my only happiness
I only tried to be brave; I never thought I was immature
But the more I try to forget, the more it finds it’s way into my consciousness
So I guess it was wrong to pretend I never cared

Can you help me take care of the time that’s left?
Let’s keep the promise with us, let’s celebrate it together
I want these remaining times, these 99 forevers
To be most special from it’s start ‘till it’s over

Dear Mr. Copperfield, I Miss You So Much

“Come one, come all!” the announcer’s voice called
And people crowded up, from young ones to old
Everybody sits in silence, nobody said a word
All eyes were on the stage as the curtains rolled

Out of the dim lights you appeared, I met you at last
I don’t believe in magic, just came to see if I must
You started the show and my heart beats fast
I knew it was love not a mania nor lust

I fell in love in an instant, and it’s as if by some spell
But my heart is no liar; only truth is what it tells
No tricks has ever done, it just so happened that I fell
But this heart you broke to pieces, like a brittle piece of shell

Soon the grand finale came, you were about to disappear
I cried for there’s nothing I can do to keep you near
The box where you entered closed, made me shiver with great fear
For I know you’re no longer there, and you’ll never ever appear

Were you really within my reach or were you just an illusion?
Is there any hocus-pocus to perform to get you back within my vision?
Should I sell my soul to demons in exchange for my ambition?
That one day you’ll be mine for eternity and I’ll never live in desolation

A Note To Jhonel

Reality bites and it bites with great pain
And truth hurts so bad, even leaves a shameful stain
Loving you is like a gun I have to pull to my head
Puncturing my temple, bleed profusely ‘till I’m dead

Heaven is now calling; it is just one breath away
Just a thought I am having, will I meet you there anyway?
How will you recognize my face, would you even know my name?
Or do angels forget being mortal, then everything won’t be the same?

Now I have to get going, and as life run out so fast
Eyes are shutting slowly; I’m feeling free at last
Lying on this tiled floor, I smile for I’m glad I’m going
God knows I am tired, and to die I am willing

A better place that is where I must be going
“Thanks for everything” are the last words I am saying
My soul will be gone but don’t cry for me
All my pains will be lost and I’ll be leaving peacefully

I hope you can make it on the day of my funeral
To pray for my forgiveness and for my peace to be eternal
And this I promise, I’ll be watching you from heaven
Never feel alone, because I’ll still be here when you’re broken

A Tribute to a Short-Term Friendship

So there we were, we stared at each other's faces in silence for what felt like millenniums. Motionless, I stared in your eyes and I guess you were also staring in mine. And even without saying a word, I knew right then and there what you were struggling to say. Perhaps your thoughts were reflected in your eyes that made it obvious as if they were written there. I felt hot in the eyes and without a warning, tears started to fill-in, streamed down my face and they won't come to a halt. "What now?" I said for the millionth time, this time with a fake smile, yet you didn't answered. I thought I saw you cried but you bowed your head and didn't show your face again. I waited. Crying. Frustrated. Hoping. Just a single word is all I was asking, any word would've done. But the answer was clear. Truth hurts. Reality bites. You wanted me to go.

I wanted to beg, but there's no sense at all. Three months, I know, is enough. I learned a lot of things from you and I hope you learned from me as well.

I only hope those
origami's actually work, so that I won't forget about you and you won't forget me too.

I may not be the perfect friend for you, at least I tried to be.

Thanks for making me happy in the last three months. I will never forget you in my life.

I'm going to miss the way I call you, that name a lot of people called you too and made me jealous.

I want you to know that I'm glad you liked my gifts, though I got hurt when you misplaced the first

I'm really sorry I didn't realized you wouldn't like that bicycle sticker, but you still sticked it on your school ID so thanks anyway.

I know I'll always have a good laugh every time I'll remember that foot-rag I washed myself for you.

I'm going to miss calling you on your mobile, that's my favorite part of the last three months.

Thanks for telling me the truth. I mean, you didn't actually told me a thing, at least you made me feel.

Thanks for accepting the
Shemagh I gave you, I want you to wear it sometimes but it's really up to you.

Thanks for listening while I spill my heart out that night. Thanks for understanding the words I said.

Thanks for keeping your mouth shut, it could be worse if you talked and lied.

Maybe it was just my imagination but I felt your hand tried to hold me when I turned away, I'm sorry I didn't looked back.

And Photskie, for the last time, thanks for everything.

A Falling Star Is A Wishing Star

Star light, star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight.

I used to believe that wishing upon a star makes wishes come true. I wait for the first star every night in my childhood to make a wish on it. I even recite the poem "Star Light, Star Bright" before I make a wish. But now that I'm older, I seldom do it. I even forgot when was the last time I did wish on a star. Maybe it was very long ago. And I did it again last night.

I talked to Marnel on my mobile last night. I was really overjoyed. It was long since the last time we talked. He was telling me something while I was staring blankly up ahead the space when a falling star suddenly appeared. It was beautiful, as if I was just dreaming. It was a small ball of light that falls to the South, leaving some glitters on it's wake. I told Marnel what I saw, and he told me to make a wish. So I did.

I closed my eyes. I wished I could have Marnel with me. That I could be someone special for him. I opened my eyes and smiled. Marnel's voice from the line broke into my reverie.

"Tues!", he said. My smile grew wider. I realized, I just had my wishes come true.

My Stupid Mouth

Why do I always have to say things that I will eventually wish I never have said? Minsan Naiinis na nga ako sa sarili ko. 'Pag nagsalita ako walang preno. Tapos mare-realize ko nalang, marami na nagbago (o magbabago) nang dahil lang sa mga binitawan kong salita. Minsan tuloy naiisip ko, siguro mas magandang mag-sinungaling nalang instead of telling the truth na hindi ko naman kayang panindigan. Nakakatawa na kahit na napakarami ko nang na-experience na nagsisi ako dahil sa mga bagay na nasabi ko, tuloy parin ako sa gano'ng katangahan.

Pero, kung sa bagay, at least naging honest ako. Kahit halos 'di na 'ko nakatulog ng maayos kagabi (and to think lasing pa 'ko) sa kaka-isip kung ano ang pwedeng maging epekto ng kabaliwang nasabi ko, bottom-line is naging totoo 'ko sa kanya at the very least. Mas hindi siguro ako makakatulog ng maayos kung nagawa kong mag-sinungaling sa kan'ya.

Alam ko maraming p'wedeng mangyari at maraming pwedeng magbago dahil sa nasabi ko kagabi. Bahala na si Batman! Basta ako, I'll try to forget those things I said so things will be the same for us. I don't want him to think that I am just taking advantage of the situation because I know that I mean it when I said what I said. Sana lang walang mag-bago. Sana 'pag nabasa n'ya 'to, malaman n'ya na pinagsisisihan ko na 'yung nasabi ko sa kan'ya. Not that I want to eat my words, it's just that I feel that I should just kept my stupid mouth shut. IWANU GA HANA! (some things are better left unsaid). That's a Japanese phrase that always squeeze it's way into my consciousness whenever I get my self in this kind of situation. Pero, nakakainis! Bakit 'di parin ako natututo? Bakit palagi parin akong nagkakamali? Bakit palagi nalang akong nagsasabi ng mga bagay tapos pinagsisisihan ko din? Ang labo.

Pa'no kung iba na ang tingin n'ya sa'kin? Pa'no kung iniisip n'ya na may hidden agenda ako? Pa'no kung bigla nalang ayaw na n'ya akong maging kaibigan?

Pero kung s'ya naman ang magsasabi no'n, wala na akong magagawa. Tutal kasalanan ko naman. Siguro ngayon kailangan ko nang matuto. Siguro sa susunod mag-iisip muna ako bago ako magsalita. Para wala na akong salitang babawiin. Para wala na akong wrong move na pagsisisihan.

God Helps You If You Are A Phoenix And You Dare To Rise Up From The Ash

My life has never been a bed of roses, but I see to it that I live life to the fullest. "Carpe Diem!" I always remind my self. Looking through the rose-colored spectacles of life, you'll see that the grass is much greener on the other side.

I understand that you are in a difficult situation. But you must always remind yourself that life is wonderful and learn to enjoy it. Try to see things through positive perspectives. Observe the people around you and look at the situation without taking it too personally. Get motivated. Prioritize the things you enjoy doing the most. Focus on your abilities and excel in many things, like in your studies for example (I know you're doing great at it). Be optimistic. Besides, no one has ever damaged his eyesight by looking at the brighter side of things.

Our minds are very powerful. Anything we say to ourselves, we will definitely believe eventually. So always correct your words (silent or aloud), whenever you start to tell yourself negative things. Like, if you keep on telling yourself that no one cares about you and that people's opinions are useless, then your brain will hear you and will believe in you. So you have to stop yourself and rather say, "I know there's someone out there who cares."

Also, realize that bad things happen to other people too, not only you. So therefore, you won't have to think you already have the worse in life. See this things as a challenge and you'll see how quickly you can get past this bad time and bounce back.

You have the ability to either accept things you cannot change, or change the things you can.

Try looking at your problems from another angle. For example, I had a difficult hair all my life and I always wanted to get it straight and nothing worked. But now that I have accepted this wild hair of mine, I have found ways to tie it up that looks nice and now I like my hair because God thought it suited me. Otherwise, He would not have given it to me. (This is a silly example but you can get the idea.)

I have a problem with my facial muscles. But then, on the days when I feel sorry for myself, I'd just think about the people in wheelchairs or the kids who do not have toys to play with and I'd be thankful that I'm still luckier enough. I'm glad that the only paralized part is just half of my face so at least I can smile to the bunch of friends I have.

"God helps you if you are a phoenix and you dare to rise up from the ash. A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy while you are just flying past." Oh, great! I'm quoting Ani DiFranco here again (just like I always do). That line never fails to give me inspiration, you know.

"If problem comes, cry! But NEVER give up!" A friend in high school once told me that, the most effective advice ever. Ask God for help too, but you must believe or it might not work. Don't tell God you have big problems, tell your problems you have a big God and you'll scare them away knowing that your big God is always with you.

I hope this helps you even a bit! Always take care and keep safe. If you need more counseling, you know I'm always here. I'd be more than willing to help.

P.S. I care!

Lucky I Always Have My Dad With Me

Papa is not the perfect dad. But it won't make me think any less of him. He may not be the ideal father, yet I love him for just the way he is. I couldn't really ask for more. He is just the right dad for me.

When I was a kid, the first things that come to my mind when I hear the word "Papa" are new toys, new clothes, new shoes, voice-tapes and greeting cards. He was away then to work at
Saudi Arabia. I remember how it felt like whenever he comes home, I was always excited at the maximum. The surprises were always the greatest thrills. I wouldn't have an idea he's coming home until he's here. There even was that one time when he picked us up after school and we were really surprised. I don't know if it was also the same time when he carried me on his back all the way home. The only thing I am sure about is that I was really wanting everybody's eyes on me and my dad. So there won't be a need to say, "Hey! My Papa is home."

Things changed as I grew older. I got so rebellious as hell when I was 16. I learned to smoke cigarettes (and weeds), and started to get addicted to alcohol. I got along with the wrong group of people, the ones who won't think of their futures. We would spend every single night at our hang-out drinnking until morning, if not until we're wasted. I would always find my self in trouble. I fought a whole lot, blotter records are going to prove that. My so-called friends and I even had chases with patrol cars, and there were times we ended-up being caught. By then, Papa was really furious with me. We would always have a row, everyday. We would forever shout at each other everytime we felt like doing so. I was being rude and thoughtless, I know I was hurting him so much. Maybe not physically, but I got him hurt emotionally. Technically, I hurt him. It was awful. I was so pathetic. It felt impossible to gain trust from him anymore. But as a rebellious, teenage-dirtbag that I was, I still can't stop doing things I thought were cool. Until I finally realized what I've done.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror one night, and I saw me there. Piercings everywhere, bloodshot eyes, hevy eye-liners trying to cover those huge eye-bags, filthy hair and the air of angst and notoriety in my aura. I was sure then that Papa isn't happy to see me like that. I cried. The softness of the inner me ruled. I realized I'm not proving anything out of being rebellious. I'm giving a bad name not just for my self, but also to my family. And so I turned my back from the supid a**hole I had become.

I am having a perfect relationship with Papa now. Maybe not perfect in it's truest sense, just perfect for me at least. I completely forgot about being the black sheep and even got my self in church activities and youth organizations. I learned a lot from that episode of my not so picture-perfected life story. And I don't want to turn Papa down again. Papa really is the best dad in the world. My friends even say they wish they have a dad like mine. I am proud he's my father. I want to show him how I really am sorry for what I've done before. I want to thank him for he carried me home an awful lot of times because I got drunk and wasted. For he covered me with the warm blanket, it made me feel secured. For he gave me that sponge bath with warm water and isopropyl. For he accepted my apology with no hesitations. For he is never turned down inspite of what I am. I want to tell him I love him so much. And that I feel lucky to have him for a dad. I hope he feels it when I kiss him.

I wish we can be closer than ever. I want to spend time with him more often. I want to try to do his stuffs like constructing wooden chairs and tables, and gardening. It can be a good bonding activity for us. I want to laugh with him at the gag shows on primetime TV. And to fix our messed-up sound system with him. Maybe I can even talk to him about the guy I like, I wonder what he's going to say. I want to take care of him when he's old. And more importantly, I want him to know that he still have a son in me inspite of what I am.

How Can You Show Someone You Care About Him If He Isn't Even Willing To See It?

I Understand. I Certainly Do. And I won't argue about it with him at all. I know how it feels like to be in his position. I know he thinks that no one will understand and that nobody will give a damn about it. He is entitled to feel his own emotions, so I guess I can't just tell him to quit feeling lethargic and pretend that everything's okay.

I read his blogs and it made me feel as if I was reading someone else's. He is a atranger all of a sudden. It feels like I never knew him all along. The ironies of life! I always thought we are similar in all aspects, but I am so foolish to have come up with that idea. It scares me big time, the idea that I only know him with the things that meet the eyes. I wish I took time to know him underneath his skin, to realize things from his emotions, and to recognize the real persona of his soul. I honestly do think that what's left of him that I know about is his name, and nothing more. That's lame!

It makes me feel sad to realize that I don't know him after all, when I thought I always did. How can I ever show him I care for him after I found out I barely know him? Will he believe that I actually do understand and care for someone who suddenly turned into a total stranger? But it doesn't matter. I don't care if he won't give a damn about my being concerned, the same way that he won't give a damn for the people who cares for him. i still wan to be one of his friends, I am willing to start all over again if I need to. Maybe I am being an ambitious crature to ask for it, but I really do want to know more about him. So I can show him how I really care, and he won't mind.

Life Has It's Own Middle Finger

I am not a huge fan of soap operas, but I always find it helpful blogging about dramas -- my real life dramas, that is. I hate it when I tell my problems to people, maybe that's the reason why they thought I'm the happy-go-lucky kind. What they don't know is that my heart is dying inside. People don't know a lot about me, just the things that meet their eyes. The main factor is that I don't usually consult other people's opinions. Instead, I write things down on my diary badly disguised as a blog.

Life dramas are the things we can't just take away. It's a part of the contract of life that we signed before we were born. And it is what makes this life a roller coaster ride. Problems come as soon as we wake-up in the morning. You'll never know when you're gonna see some zits around your face. And when you go to the bathroom to wash your face, you'll learn that you ran-out of Pond's already. These are just the simplest form of dilemmas of life. We just don't usually notice them since we encounter bigger problems already.

Bigger problems mean bigger depressions. Sometimes, it also means longer blog entries -- for me at least. I also get piercings when I am depressed, a dozen of them are the products. And there was also a time when I cut my hair real short just because my crush won't notice me. Call me insane, but I'm not the only person on earth who cuts their hair or do things like that just because they're down. I've seen this particular As Told By Ginger episode where Courtney Grippling dyed her hair from blonde to jet-black because Ginger Foutley gets more attention, to think that Courtney is the most popular girl at Lucky Junior High. Okay, I know it's just a cartoon show but still the idea's from people anyway.

But inspite of those outrageous things I've done so far out of depressions, I still know my limitations. I won't go forcing my life to an end by commiting suicide just because I am sad. I am contented of piercing body parts and cutting my hair short (or getting a tattoo maybe, although I already have one) and won't go beyond it. We can't escape problems. Isn't it what life is all about? We all continue to live as we deal with all the ups and downs in life. There is happily ever after if we don't get hurt. Because there can be no eventuality until you've learn from your mistakes. Life is totally realistic in every way.

But inspite of those outrageous things I've done so far out of depressions, I still know my limitations. I won't go forcing my life to an end by commiting suicide just because I am sad. I am contented of piercing body parts and cutting my hair short (or getting a tattoo maybe, although I already have one) and won't go beyond it. We can't escape problems. Isn't it what life is all about? We all continue to live as we deal with all the ups and downs in life. There is happily ever after if we don't get hurt. Because there can be no eventuality until you've learn from your mistakes. Life is totally realistic in every way.

Sabi Ni Doc: Mas Matalino Ang Puso Kaysa Sa Utak

Ok.Wala naman talagang saysay 'tong entry na 'to. Parang gusto ko lang isulat kung ano ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Kung ano ang tumatakbo sa magulo kong isipan. At kung ano ang nararamdaman ng makulit kong puso. Sa totoo lang napaka-hirap para sa'kin na tansyahin kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Sa t'wing susubukan kong gawin 'yon, sumasakit ang ulo ko. Siguro tinatamad 'yung buong sistema ng katawan ko para pag-aksayahan pa ng panahon na isipin lahat ng mga bagay na kaya ko namang hindi na problemahin. Pero minsan kailangan talagang malaman ng tao kung ano na ang lagay ng sarili n'ya. Para alam natin kung pa'no natin haharapin ang buhay sa sarili lang natin. Para maayos natin kung ano man 'yung mga bagay na hindi natin maintindihan. Importante nga siguro na kilala natin ang sarili natin. O sige, aalamin ko. Sino ba ako sa mga oras na 'to?

Mahirap timplahin ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Nakakalito. Hindi ko maintindihan. Masay ba 'ko o hindi? Ang sabi ng utak ko, masaya daw ako. Siguro dahil may isang tao na nagpapasaya sa'kin sa nakalipas na mga linggo. Pero bakit iba ang sinasabi ng puso ko? Bawat tibok nito, parang sinasabi na merong kulang sa buhay ko ngayon. Kung ano man 'yon, o kung sino man, pakiramdam ko nasanay ako na palagi s'yang nand'yan. Palagi kong nakikita. Palagi kong nakakasama. Tapos sa isang iglap, bigla nalang nawala. Nakakabitin. Nakakabigla.

Gusto ko rin malaman kung ano ang lagay ng puso ko. Nu'ng isang buwan lang, pakiramdam ko gusto nang sumuko nito sa pag-tibok. Nasktan ako. Alam ko ganu'n din 'yung puso ko. Pinag-bawalan ko na 'tong magmahal. Parang gusto n'ya magreklamo, 'di ko s'ya masisisi kasi 'yun ang trabaho n'ya. Dun s'ya nabubuhay. Hindi s'ya titibok kung wala s'yang mamahalin. Pero wala na 'kong magagawa kung 'di s'ya kayang mahalin ng pusong minamahal n'ya. Nakakalungkot, pero 'yun ang totoo. Kaya 'tong puso ko, mag-isa nalang. Nakaka-awa, umiiyak pero walng dapat maka-kita.

'To namang utak kong walang kasing gulo, walang ibang alam gawin kundi gawing
complicated ang lahat ng bagay. Sumobra sa talino, pati tuloy sarili kong desisyon panapangunahan. Pinipilit n'yang isipin ko lahat ng masasayang bagay, kaysa magpaka-senti habang buhay. Sabi n'ya isipin ko daw 'yung tao na nakakapagpasaya sa'kin. Pati 'yung mga bagay na ginagawa ng taong 'yon. Totoo, masaya ako. Salamat sa taong nagbibigay sa'kin ng reasons para maging masaya. Siguro tama din ang utak ko kahit pa'no, kalimutan ko muna 'yung mga malulungkot na pangyayari sa buhay ko hangga't may pagkakataon pa para magpaka-saya.

Pero, nagtatalo ang puso ko at ang utak ko. Sabi ng puso ko, alam daw n'ya na magiging mas masaya 'ko du'n sa taong iniiyakan ko. Pero sabi ng utak ko, itigil ko na daw ang pag-iilusyon.

Alam ng puso ko kung ano ang makakapag-pasaya sa'kin. Alam ng utak ko na masasaktan din ako. Tanong ni utak, "'Di ka pa ba naging masaya sa mga nagdaang linggo?" Tanong naman ni puso, "Hanggang kailan naman 'yung saya na 'yon?"

Haay! Mahirap. Nakakalito. Parang sasabog ang ulo ko. Parang puputok ang dibdib ko. Hanggang ngayon nagtatalo parin sila. Pero ako, eto! Naghihintay lang kung anong mangyayari. Nag-aabang lang ng desisyon kung sino ang susundin ko. Bahala na. May tiwala naman ako sa kanila eh!

60 Seconds To Full Solitude

I wonder if you are also thinking of me at this very moment. Did I ever cross your mind since the last time you walked out of my door? Do you remember how tightly I had my arms around you as if I won't ever let go? That was the happiest moment of my life. My idea of heaven. The eventuality of my dreams. We stayed that way all night. We talked about your dreams and I listened carefully, afraid that I might miss a word and fail to know more about you. You kept talking and I was there, staring to your face as if to memorize every details. Your face, my favorite sight in the world. Do you have an idea how handsome you are? I stared to your eyes, and smiled for I realized it was the closest our faces has ever been. I stared still and all I can hear was your voice. I thanked God we're together. I'm so lucky to have found you.

Do you remember I told you that I love your hands? I confessed I find them small and cute. And then you raised your hand and we stared at it in all admiration for what seemed like forever. I held it in mine, and you didn't mind. I hope you know that you make me happy. You make me feel special. You're the reason why I smile involuntarily each and every so often. Do you know I love you so? Those three words I said so much, but not enough. I can never make you mine though I try. The world is against us. Those people I always thought would be happy seeing us together are the same people keeping us in such unbearable distance. They told me I should not let myself fall for you. So that's what I do as I have no choice.

I'm sorry I can't fight for you. How can I fight for someone who's never even mine? You belong to someone else, I am fully aware of that. And I know I have no rights to argue about my love for you. Those people against us ma be right all along, that everything's going to be less complicated if I keep my distance from you.

But don't think I enjoy these things. You should know it kills me inside with torture. The moment I let you off my embrace, I knew by instinct that I'm going to miss you terribly. That's the reason why I asked for another minute to hug you. Thanks for giving me that one last minute for me to have you in my arms. That was the longest 60 seconds of my life.

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... You counted every seconds with me. A memory of how I met you flashed back to me. It was the 15th of September 2007. The night was dull and then, there you were like a knight in shining armor. I knew right then and there, you were going to be special.

8... 9... 10... 11... 12... 13... 14... 15... Remember when I told you I like you? And that I don't ask for something in return. I still feel the same. But don't worry, I still won't ask you to feel the same for me.

16... 17... 18... 19... 20... 21... Do you realize how happy you make me feel whenever you call my name? Because finally, I am no stranger to you. Everytime you say my name, it makes me like my name more.

22... 23... 24... 25... 26... I have a confession to make, I secretly call you "Mine".

27... 28... 29... 30... And that I kissed your ear while you were asleep.

31... 32... 33... 34... 35... 36... I always thought I got you where I want you.

37... 38... 39... 40... Now I must let you go. I hate to do this and I know I'm going to regret this for the life of me.

41... 42... 43... I love you. I'm glad I didn't died before I met you.

44... 45... 46... 47... I'll remember your smile. And your voice. And your face, and how you look like in the morning. The way your hand fits in my hands. And that last hug that I had that night when I was wasted and you carried me and brought me home and tucked me in my bed.

48... 49... 50... 51... 52... I'll keep you in me. Don't worry about me. Don't be bothered when I cry.

53... 54... 55... 56... 57... I want you to take care of yourself. I want the best for you. I hope someday I can hug you again, if I can I will hug you the tightest and won't ever let you go.

58... 59... 60... I love you, Mine!


When I first saw Ralph, maybe it was January 2008, my first impression of him was he's such a "weirdo"! Mukha s'yang nerd nun, tapos para pa s'yang slow poke kasi ang bagal n'ya maglakad.

Until July 5 this year, nagkaron ng inuman sa bahay ko. Dumating s'ya, may dala pang mani pang-pulutan. Naisip ko, "Pumunta pa 'to eh mukang mabo-bored lang 'to dito." Pero everything went OK naman. Tapos eventualy, nag-open ako ng topic about the song "Cassie" (Flyleaf) and the real story behind it. In fairness, si Ralph lang talaga 'yung nagkaron ng sense kausap. Napaisip pa nga ako, "OMG! Thank you po Lord! Sa wakas may makakausap na 'ko tungkol sa mga trip kong topic." (He! He!). Nagulat talaga 'ko nun ng sobra kasi wala sa itsura n'ya na we actually share some common interests. Na magkakasundo pala kami sa trip.

Naalala ko tuloy 'yung pinauso n'yang linya nun night na 'yun: "Gusto ko nang mahiga sa kamang marangal!" (Ha! Ha! Ha!). Hanggang ngayon nakatatak pa sa pangalan n'ya 'yun. Wakoko!

Ayun, simula nu'n gusto ko palagi ko na s'ya kausap. Alam ni Jhepmar 'yan. Pero hindi ako gusto palging kausapin ni Ralph eh. T_T

Hehehe! Pero ansaya, s'ya lang ang nakaka-kwentuhan ko tungkol sa love interest ko, si Marnel Garcia. Tsaka s'ya lang din ang nakikinig 'pag nagdadaldal ako tungkol sa suicide songs, or sa voodoo dolls, or sa crystal ball, or sa dream catcher, or sa virtual band, or sa mga bagay na nababasa ko sa internet, or sa mga famous quotations at kung sino ang nagsabi nu'n, or sa mga mysterious smiley faces sa ceiling ng kwarto, at sa mga "mararangal" na bagay. Whew! In short, pareho kaming "weirdo". S'ya lang ang kakilala ko na nakakasundo ko sa maraming bagay. "yan si Ralph, 'yang weirdo na 'yan, astig 'yan! Forget the physical appearance 'cause this guy is actually more than meets the eye.

"O Jhonel anak! Umuwi ka na! Nag-aalala na 'ko sa'yo! -MAMA"


Big Change (All Apologies)

"Everybody deserves a second chance." A cliche that's been used over and over. And sometimes people abuse it, using to segue for an escape from the things done wrong. So they can make others think they are cahnging for the better. So the stupid mistakes once made be forgotten gradually. But what if we unintentionally make more mistakes again? Is there such thing like third chances? And fourth? And fifth?

I know I was being mean when I called YKG the hostile horde. I find it difficult to explain just to save my ass out of the weight of the guilt caused by their unfriendly reactions. Thank God for that "hostile horde" thing is over. Thank God for second chances.

So YKG gave me that second chance people think everybody deserves. And I really want to thank them all for that. I exerted extra efforts to get more involved with the group just to prove to them how I really want to be part of the horde again. I was surprised when Ate Whilssy thanked me at the cocktail party. She said she appreciated my efforts and that she's glad I'm back. My heart sank and I almost cried. I felt I was being stupid all along thinking that YKG's a hostile horde. I wanted to say sorry right then and there but I can't bring myself doing so (maybe it was my pride). I wanted to say hoe I want to change for the better, so I can get more involved in good causes. I felt hot in the eyes and even before tears fill up, I kept my cool in spite of myself. I managed to bid my goodnight to everyone -- at least the ones within my sight. I really wanted to stay for the night but I thought I must take things slowly so I decided not to spend much time with them for a while or they're going to think I'm being a bitch hanging around when I did shameful things before. Besides it is not too late and there's still some other time. Eventuality isn't instant after all.

"People can't go hurting people and say sorry to wash away the shit. Heaven don't want people like that." I heard that from the movie I'm watching now (it's called "Black Snake Moan"). And I found myself nodding at the statement. You must only say you're sorry when you mean it (that's what I always tell to Lester too), not because you just feel the need to. we can fool others by pretending we're sincere about our apologies but we can't fool ourselves in any way.

I want them to know I didn't mean it calling them the hostile horde. If they can only read that particular blog entry, they'll see what I'm trying to say since the time the blog entry was published in the net. But though I know I didn't mean them harm, I still feel I owe them apologies. Things just got misinterpreted and misunderstood. And if they're going to say I'm forgiven, then it's going to be a relief.

It is never easy to change, but it is always best to change for the better. Sure stains will remain but by proving people you are sincerely changing will make difference. Not only to your image but also to the way people interacts with you. People may not buy the thought that a Tuesday Sucgang preaches about this kind of thing, but I hope they could at least buy what I mean when I say "change for the better."

Will You Come Back In A Heartbeat?

Can you tell me how life is like without me?

I guess it's just the same. The same typical life you are used to live everyday. You still smile. You still sleep at night, and wake up in the morning and do a lot of things until it's time for bed again. I know you still listen to that song I can't stand to listen to anymore. The song that used to make me smile each time I hear. Do you know how I was so addicted to that song ever since you came into my life? That song my friends had had enough of hearing as I always play it on my mobile's MP3 player. But now, it's the last thing I'd listen to. So that I can make it easy for my self to finally forget you. It's what you want me to do, isn't it?

Life without me might be the easiest for you. Maybe even be the most peaceful you can ever live. I'm sure you've never even noticed I've left. Nor, at least, felt I was there in the last four months. You only see me as your life's biggest joke, and now it's time you take your life seriously so you turn you back just that.

Life without me might also be the happiest for you. You might even think of not knowing me at all. You ought to know you can start forgetting about me any time you wish to. Or maybe you wished it the first time we met. Why did you have to pretend I was part of your life? I mean, you could just told me to leave right then and there. But making me believe that I was part of your seemingly perfect life just made me feel frustrated.

I am frustrated for the should have, would have and could have's of this saga where you and I are the lead characters. But the story should end even before it starts. I sit here in the corner as the curtain rolls to close, hiding all these tears you don't even want to see.

I wonder what you do right now. Do my name ever cross your mind? I hope you know that my world stopped spinning the moment I told you we must forget about each other. That's the most shitty thing I've ever said in my life. But I know that's the most wonderful thing for you.

Your world continues to spin and I am praying I can catch up on it's revolution. So I can be there when you grow older. So I can be there to watch you on stage when you are already a rockstar. So I can be there to catch you when your world loses it's path to it's axis. So I can be there to say sorry for the things I've done.

Can you tell me how Raymark's life is like without me? Maybe it's your idea of heaven. But Tuesday's life without you is what's going to bring me to heaven. With all those precious memories of course. I'm going to meet you there someday, somehow. I wonder if you're going to recognize me. I wonder if I'm going to feel you when I touch your face. Are you going to give me a smile? A thing I never had from you. Am I going to remember the feeling I am feeling right now? Are you going to wipe my tears? Will I ever feel your warmth?

I know I'm going to miss you. I want to love you for the last remaining days of my life. Are you going to cry over these blood? Are you going to hug me before the warmth runs out of me? Can you wipe my tears before I close my eyes? Will you let me say your name for the last time?

Raymark. Before I breathe out my one last gasp of breath, can you tell me how your life will be like without me?


Cue: Gabi by Kikomachine

Ako na yata ang pinaka-masayahing tao na kilala ko, na sa kabila ng lahat ng malulungkot na yugto ng buhay ko, heto parin ako, nakukuha pa'ng ngumiti. Minsan iniisip ko, gano'n lang ba kadali para sa'kin na magbigay ng ngiti na wala namang saya?

Hanggang kailan ko kaya makakayang dayain yu'ng totoo kong nararamdaman?
Palagi kong sinasabi sa mga taong nakaka-kilala sa'kin na hindi mahirap dayain ang nararamdaman. Ang problema lang, minsan malilito ka na kung ano ba talaga yu'ng totoo sa hindi.

Para sa'kin, pinaka-masarap parin siguro yu'ng malungkot na emosyon. Kaya nga siguro paborito ko yu'ng gabi sa lahat ng oras sa buong araw. Tahimik, malamig. Walang makakakita ng pag-tulo ng luha. Madaling maitago ang kalungkutan kapag gabi eh. Hihiga lang ako sa kama, tutunganga sa kisame, minsan makikipag-usap sa hangin. Magbubuntong-hininga, ipipikit ang mga mata. May mga pagkakataon pang nakaramay ko yu'ng blade sa pag-iisa. Ginising nya 'ko ng talim n'ya. Ipinaalala sa'kin na buhay ang katawan ko. Lumuha ng dugo yu'ng sugat kasabay ng pag-luha ng mga mata. Nagluksa ang puso. Nagdiwang ang buong katawan. Napaisip ako no'n, ano ba'ng mababago kung ipapagpatuloy ko pa yu'ng pananakit sa sarili ko? Ah basta, ang alam ko yu'ng hapdi ng sugat na 'yon ang nagpapalakas ng loob ko. Alam kong katarantaduhan, pero wala akong ibang alam na gawin. Hindi na rin mababago ang kapalaran ko.

Kung tutuusin dapat nga mas masaya ako ngayon eh. Maraming mga bagay na nakakapagpangiti sa'kin.

Katulad ng kantang tumutugtog ngayon habang sinusulat ko 'tong
blog entry na 'to. Naging paborito ko na din 'to ah. Siguro, habang buhay ko nang maaalala si Raymark sa kanta na 'to. Hehehe! Kung sabagay, kahit hindi ko siguro marinig na tumugtog 'yung Kai ng Maryzark eh maaalala ko parin si Raymark tuwing makikita ko 'tong pangalan n'yang naging peklat na sa braso ko.

Si Lester, nakakatuwang isipin na naging magkaibigan kami. Kahit alam namin pareho na may ginagawa kaming mali, ang importante napapangiti n'ya 'ko.

Yung magkapatid na Vangie at Rogelio, thank you po Papa Jesus na dumating sila sa buhay ko. Sabi sa'kin ni Vangie natutuwa s'ya na sobrang close na kami. Naisip ko, oo nga ano? Dati bihira lang kami mag-usap non.

Kung susumahin, ilan pa lang 'yang mga rason para maging masaya ko. Pero bakit hindi ko parin maiwasang malungkot? May topak na nga yata ako.

Maiiwasan ko ba'ng umiyak kung ang totoo eh 'yung kantang 'yon ang naging kanta ko kay Raymark nu'ng sinaktan n'ya ko? Mapipigilan ko ba'ng malungkot kung alam kong naging magkaibigan lang kami ni Lester dahil pinagbigyan n'ya lang ako sa alam n'yang iyon ang gusto ko? Matitiis ko ba'ng hindi matakot t'wing maiisip kong aalis din si Vangie pagkatapos ng dalawang taon? Makukuha ko ba'ng ngumiti kung alam ko na hindi man lang ako kilala ni Rogelio?

Siguro hindi ako masisisi ng tao kung bakit para sa'kin eh yung kalungkutan 'yung pinakamasarap na emosyon. Wala naman akong ibang pagpipilian eh. Ito lang ang alam kong gawin. Ang malungkot, magmukmok. Makinig sa mga kanta ng Typecast o ng Kikomachine. Humarap sa salamin. Umiyak. Mag-isip. Mahiga. Tumunganga sa kisame. Pumikit. Maghintay ng bukas. Nakakasawa na. Alam kong pagdating ng bukas, ganon parin. Balik sa dati. Paulit-ulit. Parepareho. Wala nang magbabago. Sorry, bocha ako eh. Habambuhay na 'kong ganito.

The Saga of My 103 Dilemmas Continues

People think that my twin, Frankie, is a goddess. And I am one of them. I got used of guys I'm interested with ending up confessing on liking Frankie and then courting her. It's been the scenario since the last 5 years. But I know I cannot blame my twin 'cause it's certainly not her fault. Not those guys' fault either.

I knew something's happening between her and JC even before she made the spiel. I don't know how but my instincts told me they were having something between them on the night of March 5. Or was it just because I've seen it coming? I knew they were starting to like each other and that is exactly why JC's paying visits every so often, which I'm having the impression that it's unusual of him to even bother. So I was a witness to how closer they got every single visits JC had. I can't help to feel jealous but God knows I'm happy for them. I know JC won't give a damn about me sowhat's the point of feeling jealousy anyway? If they could be happy together then I'm happy for them. I love JC, but I love Frankie too. Nothing can ever make me happy than seeing these most important people in my life happy. They can take all the smiles and I'll take the tears for them.

I missed loads of conversations with JC and Frankie lately inspite of JC's forever hanging around. JC even asks why I always have my mouth shut tighter than a clam's shell. But the truth is, I was always struggling for words. I always wanted to try to speak but what would I say? I finally had the chance to talk to him in his most recent visit but I am not positive about it. So we got the talk, but there came the point when I can't relate to Frankie and JC's conversation anymore. Ellaine... Rhein's plan... Studio and it's owner... I mean, I tried hard to make sense to those things but I failed to really comrehend. So I ended up taking drags on my Marlboro, hardly any sound made.

Maybe I should just leave them alone or I'd fail to relate to things again. After all, JC don't need me anymore -- as if he ever did. I strongly believe that JC and Frankie deserves to be happy. I will just try to forget this feelings I havefor JC. If it makes him happy, then it can't be that bad.

It's My 103 Dilemmas All Over Again

Eight months. I thought everything's changed. I had life of my own since and accepted that things will never be the same ever again. I loved the life I lived without him inside my conciousness. It was almost perfect. I felt as if I can breathe the air of contentment. I fell in love with another guy which I can say is true love. I don t know if it's the same thing I felt for JC before, but at least it made me get what I never got when I was trying to win his heart.

I know it's a shame to say that I'm falling for JC again. Or did I ever lost that feeling I had? I know I had been having so much fun with another guy while I was in the process of forgetting him, but did I forgot about him? Did I let the feelings go? The only thing I am certain about is that I tried.

I hate to see him with those cuts on his wrist. Worse, I hate the reason for those wounds. Rhein promised me she's going to take care of JC. But she broke her promise. Now, JC is in his saddest and I hate to see him cry. His tears crushes my heart. I don't want to talk to him for I know I'll start crying with him if he do. And if I do that, I know he'll ask.

I know I still have the shitty feeling for JC. But I'm not going to tell to anyone. I don't want the world to know I'm dying inside because of JC's tears and wounds, because I feel for him. It's a shame if I'm going to wear my mask off and tell theworld I still love JC, because I know the world won't understand.

Pain Is My Relief

I cut my wrist an hour ago and I wrote "EMOK" on it. Raymark would probably be mad about it as he already warned me not to do it. But I am being so disobidient to him and I still did. Now I have his nickname burning like fire on my flesh and I can't get myself to sleep because of the pain it causes. But this pain is my relief. It made me feel as if I at least lessen my depressions. I mean, I did cry while I was cutting myself but seeing blood rushing out from it plus the searing pain made me feel my mortality. I was so overwhelmed to see blood. It's all red and nice. The sight of that razor blade has always been appealing for me in the last 4 days. And now I finally had the chance to slide it between my flesh. It's still hurting now. And still makes it hard for me to get some sleep. The "E" part is the most painful thought the "K" is the deepest. I wonder why is that so?

I also wrote "103" at the back of my palm. But this one's less painful yet it still make it hard for me to sleep since I can't put my hand down just that or the wound would stick to the sheet which can make it sore with greater pain. I wonder how Raymark is going to react if I tell him that I did the last thing on earth he wants me to do. He told me the other night he's going to ignore me forever if I do, so, I guess I'm not going to tell him for now. And only when he sees these, that's also when he's going to know. Geez! What am I gonna do when it happens?

Requiescat In Pace

Angry and alone with nowhere left to turn

My insides heating up, my heart begins to burn

Frustration flowing through my veins

No one notices as I cry while it rains

The small glass box where I live shatters to the ground

I lie there bleeding, suffering, but no one hears a sound

The worlds continues to spin, I pray for it to end

The mask I wear fell to the ground, why bother to pretend?

A candle flickers next to me, I stare at it with doubt

And with my one last gasping breath, decide to blow it out