(This is a letter written on 29th of August, 2010, 6:27PM)


I apologize for what happened tonight. I didn't mean to be rude and all but, just in case you don't know, I easily get pissed when people has to say something negative about me and I don't even do anything to provoke them to do so. Yeah, maybe you don't know about that. Or do you even know anything about me at all? I think you don't. well, I guess I need to tell you some things about me.

I am one of your children, the one with a twin, and you call me Jeng. But people call me Tuesday, do you know? I turned 24 last June and I was kind of expecting you'd greet me but you didn't but that's okay. I am now in college, imagine that. You never asked what course I am taking, maybe you always want to but due to some circumstances, you always forget to. So if you are interested to know, I'm a second year, B. S. in Business Administration major in Management student and I go to a college in Malolos. Yes, that is the reason why I always leave the house in the morning and get back home at night. School is really exhausting for me, especially that I always participate in as much extra-curricular activities as possible. Do you know that I dance? It's my first love! And as a matter of fact, I made it to the official dance group of my college.I guess maybe you'd be glad to know that. And Keng, my twin, brought home his third medal for essay writing Friday night. Champion this time! I am really prod of my twin. I'm sure you are too.

Tonight, before you throw harsh and hurting words to me, we were watching tv and I thought it was nostalgic. I remember those times when we watched primetime practical jokes shows and we laughed together for they were pretty hilarious. I always tell that to Ralph Jhonel and he would always tell me how lucky I am to have my dad with me. Ralph Jhonel is the love of my life by the way. You already met him didn't you? He was the one who always asked you for permission to use our house for the movie we were filming, remember? Apparently, his dad had to go abroad when he was just a little boy and they never get reunited again.

Anyway, he felt somewhat jealous of us. I really think he did. And it made me realize how fortunate I really am that when you left to go abroad, you came back home to us.

Do you know I always tell my professors and classmates about you? That the best advice I have ever received was from you. And that up to this moment, I still live by those words you said that seem to stick in my mind and it would play over and over whenever I am in a deep thinking. You may not be powerful but you've become a hero to me without even intending to be. I know I'll bring that advice to the grave. And if ever I'm going to reincarnate my self, I hope to remember it still. And I promise, I will live by those word again.

Don't you think it's funny that I write all these to you and I'm not even sure if you're ever going to read what I am writing in here? If you're going to ask me, I think it's too ironic. I write all these stuff like we've never seen each other for ages when in fact, you're just in the next room sleeping soundly where I can go and tell you how much I miss you and that I'll keep on trying to make you proud of me. I love you. You'll see, someday you're going to be proud of me. Or at least change the way you see me. But I guess I have to leave it like this for now. Because maybe -- just maybe -- I will just start another fight. Just like what happened tonight which I am sorry about and made me write you this letter.

it's me,
Jeng

Look at me, writing to you when I don't even plan on letting you lay eyes on this. You might find it funny -- and yeah, weird -- that I am writing to you when we don't even talk, let alone look at each other in school. Except that time after midterm exams when I asked you a favor and you did the favor without ever complaining.

I guess that's why I wrote to you. Honestly, I don't know exactly the reason why I write this. I was just thinking of you and the next thing I knew, I started typing these words addressed to you and my hands seem to work faster than my brain. So I just let my fingers do it's thing and I smile to the words appearing in the screen.

Thank you. I try my best to squeeze my mind harder that maybe I can juice out a better thing to say than just a plain and not-so-inspiring "thank you". I have other things in mind that I can't bring my self to write, knowing that we barely even kneow each other. So let me just leave it at that. "Thank you" are the safest words for now.

I don't plan on commenting on every single facebook wall posts you, well, post. Not anymore, at least. It must be getting on your nerves that I do so I'll quit it. But it doesn't mean I don't want us to be friends. It's just me, you know. After the cultural week, you felt so intimidating for me and I couldn't bring my self to look your way. I don't know. Maybe I was subconciously underestimating you and now that you proved something, my ego hurts. That's just a theory though, but it's more likely to be it.

Anyway, I suppose I have to end this nonsense right now. Because I know that if I keep going, you'd have to spend a whole day reading when the only thing I'm supposed to tell you is "thank you".

I guess I'll just see you around!

it's me,

Tuesday

I was really hesitant the time they asked me to compete for the extemporaneous speech as a part of my college's cultural week event. I am not really keen at speaking in front of a crowd but I agreed anyway. Of course I'm not turning MACCS down, not after I refused to dance for them for the competition of the year during our acquaintance party last month. So I ended up consulting Google and Wikipedia the next few days for some tips on how to deliver a speech properly and some current events for ideas to rehearse with. But I guess life always have it's own middle finger aimed on me; some other distracting things occurred beyond my control and I lost track reviewing. It was really difficult to do this and do that and do something else all at the same time. Days passed by and before I knew it, the competition was just a few days ahead. With an utter dismay, I panicked. I went through the internet and newspapers trying to gather and store as much informations as my cognitive functions can possibly acquire. It was impossible! I tried the television too, but it failed me. It gave me the "major major" problem instead. 24 Oras was showing some news on -- to my horror -- politics. POLITICS! God knows how freaked out I was. What do I know about politics? I mean, what's interesting about it in the first place?

"I was rehearsing for the extemporaneous speech and I suddenly realized, if the question is going to be about politics then I am going to be so dead!" I told Ms. Alejandro and Ms. Villavicencio through SMS. I was not expecting them to help me anyway because that's not fair. What I did was I added politics in my review. Man, I was hardly interested so I gave up getting informations about politics and focused on current events and economy and tourism as I thought these things matter the most nowadays. And everything went on smoothly.

The night before the big day, I barely slept. I was thinking about the next day -- the day I am least excited about. It was the day of the infamous extemporaneous speech competetion. I checked the internet first thing in the morning, I was hoping to find fresh news because maybe it's going to be helpful. I found nothing but news about the Manila hostage drama and the Miss Universe pageant. I did not bother turning the tv on. I was having the feeling that I'm only going to see the same things.

On the way to my college, my heart was thumping real hard like rabbit in my chest. The closer I get, the more I get nervous. I entered in the campus and tried my best to look calm and confident with the best that I can. A student-committee handed me a piece of a round card bearing number 7. I thought it's a lucky number and I was feeling lucky being the 7th contestant to perform. Few moments later, the student-committee said I was next and handed me the small piece of paper and I instantly knew that the question was in it. With trembling hands, I slowly unfolded the paper and read.

"How can you attain unity knowing that there is diversity in culture?"

I froze. I read it twice more before the words registered in my over-used mind. I smiled, thinking it was just a piece of cake. Ideas started to go in my conciousness from all directions. I did a mental rehearsal of what I was about to say. Everything was alright. We were given only 3 minutes to prepare yet I managed to think of lots to say. And then it was my turn.

I suddenly felt extremely nervous as I stood in front of the judges and the audience. After I took a huge, deep breath I started to speak. My perfomance was unswerving but somewhere in the 2nd minute, I found my self lost for words.

"Shit!", I was cursing under my breath for God knows how many times as panic started to set in. I went blah-blah-blah one moment and then my lips will be sealed tighter than a clam's shell the next, and that went on repeatedly in the next two minutes. The judges were all staring at me and I was thinking they were the most hostile of people. They must be thinking that I was not at all prepared and that I am dumb. They might be thinking I was an ambitious creature, joining in a brain versus brain battle and I can't even juice out a good thought from my brain. If they only knew that ideas were overflowing in my head minutes ago and that I just suddenly can't put them to words.

My heart leaps when the time keeper raised the "4 mins" sign, it was such a relief because the minimum speech delivery time is 4 minutes. I spent a good 5 seconds more before finally giving up.

"I'm sorry!" I mouthed to Ms. Villavicencio as she was eyeing me to my exit. She smiled. I felt bad I failed the people who always believe in what I can possibly do. My org-mates asked if I did well as soon as I stepped out and I told them the truth and felt worse. I was supposed to be their extemp hero but apparently when the going got too tough, the tough did not get going -- or was I even tough like what I always thought I am?

My self-esteem started to deflate a little since, but I'm not the kind who quits and ends just there. I know I can be good with other things, like writing nonsensical blog entries like this maybe. I guess, for now, I have to try to excel in a lot of other things just to save my ass from that self-inflicted shame. Not to mention, regain that little piece of confidence I lose.

I was browsing through my facebook photos last night and I saw this
comment-conversation in one of my wall photos uploaded on November 12, 2009. I suddenly wanted to blog it, I am not certain about the reason though. Maybe I just miss the people I once been good friends with and vice-versa. And maybe, what I miss the most are the conversations we had.

So here's the photo and the conversation:




Tuesday Sucgang: life's getting boring, don't you think?

Mhart Jefferson Peñaflor: sure is ... whew ...

Tuesday Sucgang: blogging is a way of expressing your self.. especially if you find it hard to find someone to talk to...

Mhart Jefferson Peñaflor: and that will be a good one if you based it on,
What your heart asks (to burst out your feelings), what your mind tells (words you can put up to explain the feeling),
and where your will take you (to where you should belong, and that is to yourself, to know yourself better than others)

Tuesday Sucgang: but sometimes, what my heart asks, what my mind tells and where my will can take me are the same things that let me down.. i'm my own worst enemy..

Ela Enriquez: so sad!c .......

Mhart Jefferson Peñaflor: remember the story ??? Mhart is the one suffered in deep pain, but a bit of sacrifice is a bunch of gratitude to those who have been saved by this small sacrifice

Mhart Jefferson Peñaflor: oh bkt ella???

Ela Enriquez: bitch bitch!!!drs a guy who cheat on me .....grrrrr

Tuesday Sucgang: ‎'coz u love it being the hero.. i was a hero, but i got tired of saving the world instead of saving my own self.. that's why i came to my downfall..

Tuesday Sucgang: marami pang iba jan ella..

Ela Enriquez: yea !i knw..
//**
pro ang sket sobra!!!!!

Mhart Jefferson Peñaflor: @tues: Mhart fell, but he was still alive and though in pain, before the end of the story, he closed his eyes smiling. db?

@ela: hmmm ... bkt?

kaung 2, my sasabihin sna ko eh, but its in the Part 2 of the Story. hehe ... wait for it ... ill ...be finishing it in an hour ...

Mhart Jefferson Peñaflor: Pain is the Most Inevitable Lesson we can learn. ...

Tuesday Sucgang: @jeff: it's easy for you to say.. maybe because you don't know how it feels like for me..

@ella: boys yan eh.. what do you expect?

Mhart Jefferson Peñaflor: hmmm ... i disagree tues ... cguro you can think that I wont be able to write that story without me knowing the term "Sacrifice" ???

Tuesday Sucgang: u mean you know exactly how i feel? i don't think so..

Mhart Jefferson Peñaflor: Kw n rin may sabi, I can Adjust .. ^^

Tuesday Sucgang: haha.. kaw may sabi nun kagabi.. hindi ako..

Mhart Jefferson Peñaflor: ako ba? hehe .. ^^

Tuesday Sucgang: yep.. jeff, i'm sorry for what i've done.. i mean, i shouldn't have posted that on my blogs.. i can really be so thoughtless sometimes.. i apologize..

Mhart Jefferson Peñaflor: NO! its fine ... its what your heart and mind says .. and there's no problem about that ...

Ela Enriquez: haiiii ..lungkot tlg ...whew!

Tuesday Sucgang: i thought you're bothered.. i saw your comment for Daryl..

Mhart Jefferson Peñaflor: @ela : mgbasa k nlng ng blogs ela ... mkk2long un mklimot ..

@tues: no im not

Tuesday Sucgang: ‎@jeff: if you say so..

@ella: tama yun.. e2 basahin mo.. http://jheff4413.blogspot.com/

Mhart Jefferson Peñaflor: bkt akin lng ...??? endorse m dn sau tues ...

kw endorse ko ... ^^ hehe ...

Tuesday Sucgang: hehe.. wag na.. marami m'kakabasa..

Mhart Jefferson Peñaflor: ok fine ...

Tuesday Sucgang: ‎next time nlng pag mei iba nang post..

Ela Enriquez: i hate my fucking lfe tsk.tsk...ge mkpgbsa nlng ...

Mhart Jefferson Peñaflor: ok ... ako kc, i set my blog into 1 post per page lng eh ...

Tuesday Sucgang: ‎post nlng ako tommorrow.. iisip ako ng sasabihin.. tas ganun nlng din gagawin ko, 1 post per page..

Mhart Jefferson Peñaflor: ela, notify m q if nabasa m n ah .. kht d2 m nlng sabihin pra mkita dn ni tues