H'wag mong isipin yon Hindi ka no'n mahal
H'wag yang katangahan mo ang pinapairal
Alam mo nang niloloko ka n'ya
Pero nagbubulag-bulagan ka
Hindi mo ba napapansin
Nakekengkoy ka na

Eh ano ngayon kung nagmumuka lang akong gago? Basta ang alam ko, masaya ako sa ginagawa ko. Sabi nga nila, gawin mo kung ano'ng nagpapasaya sa'yo. Dito 'ko masaya, 'yung mahalin kita ng sobra-sobra. Hindi na importante kung may aasahan pa ba 'kong pagmamahal galing sayo. Dahil ang totoo, alam ko na'ng imposibleng mahalin mo din ako. Pero gano'n parin, hihintayin parin kita. Hindi na mahalaga kung dadating ka ba o hindi, basta hihintayin kita. Alam kong naiinis ka na. Alam ko rin na napipilitan ka lang na makitungo sa'kin. Pero sana alam mo na lahat gagawin ko, magbago lang 'yung tingin mo sa'kin. Alam kong pinipilit mo lang na makipag-kaibigan sa'kin. 'Diba ikaw na ang may sabi non? Nasaktan talaga 'ko nu'ng nalaman ko 'yon. Kasi ikaw, napaka-halaga mo sa'kin. Pero ako, balewala lang pala sa'yo. Pero salamat na rin kasi kahit na kunwari lang pala, naging magkaibigan tayo. Alam mo bang napapasaya mo 'ko? Palagi kong maaalala lahat ng mga bagay na ginawa mo na nakapagpasaya sa'kin. 'Yun nalang ang matitira sa'kin, puro mga alaala. 'Yun nalang ang panghahawakan ko, kasi dun lang ako naging masaya. Alam ko hindi na ulit ako magiging masaya katulad no'n, kasi hindi ka magiging sa'kin kahit kailan.

H'wag manghinayang don may mas babagay pa
Igala-gala mo lang ang mga mata
At kung sa pag-ihip nitong hangin
Dama mo na ikaw ay napuwing
Probema mo't suliranin aking aalisin

Alam ko marami pa 'kong makikilalang iba, lalo na pag pasok ko ng college. Pero sa tingin ko wala na 'kong mahahanap na katulad mo. Ang totoo, ayoko na'ng maghanap pa. Ikaw nalang ang mamahalin ko, hindi na 'ko magmamahal ulit ng iba. Pero hindi na 'ko hihiling sa'yo na tumbasan 'tong pagmamahal ko, alam kong hindi mo 'yon magagawa. Sana hayaan mo nalang ako na mahalin ka, pangako 'di kita pipilitin kung talagang 'di mo kaya. Ito lang ang kaya kong gawin, ang magtiis para sa'yo. Mag-bigay na walang hinihintay na kapalit. Mahal kita. Mahal na mahal. Lahat titiisin ko, hayaan mo lang akong mahalin ka at hintayin ka. Kahit 'di ka dumating. Habambuhay na kitang mamahalin, 'yun lang 'yun bagay na sigurado ako. Kaya kahit na ilan pa ang magkamaling magustuhan ako, walang kahit isa sa kanila ang mabibigyan ko ng atens'yon. Dahil ikaw lang ang minahal ko, ikaw lang ang mahal ko, at ikaw lang ang mamahalin ko. Sa'yo ko na inalay 'tong puso ko. At kahit na alam kong masasaktan lang ako, hindi parin ako susuko. Ayokong mapunta sa iba 'tong puso ko, dahil sa'yo lang 'to nakalaan. Bawat tibok nito, para sa'yo. Kaya hindi ko hahayaang mapunta 'to sa iba.

Tumingin ka sa iba at iyong makikita
Yung di ka iiwan di na mag-iisa
Tumingin ka kung saan
Kikislap ang 'yong mga mata
At gugulong ka sa katatawa

Natatakot ako, baka totoo ngang gusto n'ya 'ko. Pero alam n'ya naman na ikaw ang mahal ko. Natatakot ako na masaktan ko s'ya, dahil alam ko kung pa'no masaktan. Pero wala akong magagawa, ikaw parin ang pipiliin ko ano mang mangyari. Sana hindi totoong nahuhulog na ang loob n'ya sa'kin, dahil ayokong mangyari 'yon. Alam n'ya lahat ng pinapagdaanan ko. May ilang beses na ba 'kong umiyak sa kan'ya tuwing nasasaktan mo ko? S'ya ang naging takbuhan ko, shock absorber ko s'ya. Nakinig s'ya sa lahat ng sumbong ko. S'ya ang nagpapatahan sa'kin 'pag iniiyakan kita. Minsan siguro nagsasawa na s'ya sa mga kwento ko eh. Pero 'di n'ya ko iniwan kahit kailan. Minsan 'di lang s'ya umiimik, pero alam ko dinadamayan n'ya 'ko. Madalas idinadaan namin sa inuman lahat ng problema ko. Kung wala s'ya hindi ko alam kung kaya ko. Alam ko masasaktan lang s'ya 'pag nagkataong totoo ngang gusto n'ya ko. Alam ko magiging napaka-unfair ko na ikaw parin ang pipiliin ko imbes na s'ya. Ito ba ang igaganti ko sa lahat ng ginawa n'ya para sa'kin? Pero alam ko maiintindihan n'ya. Magiging masaya s'ya para sa'kin, sigurado 'yun. Alam kong alam n'ya na ikaw lang ang makakapagpasaya sa'kin. Dahil ikaw ang mahal ko, ikaw lang

Ha!ha!ha! masaya
'di ka na mangangamba
Hindi ka na magmumukhang tanga
At kung manhid ka kasi mahal mo pa s'ya
Naku umayos ka marami pang iba

Manhid nga siguro 'ko, na kahit gaano man kasakit 'tong pinagdadaanan ko eh patuloy parin kitang minamahal. Na pinagpipilitan ko parin ang sarili ko sa'yo kahit na alam kong 'di mo ko gusto. Na nagagawa ko paring ngumiti kahit na alam kong malungkot ang magiging kapalaran ko. Na pinili kong mabuhay mag-isa habang may nasasaktan akong iba. Na hindi ako susubok na humanap ng iba, as if may mahahanap pa. Na nagmamahal ako habang nanggugulo sa tahimik buhay ng iba. Manhid nga siguro ako. Kasi kahit gano'n, mahal parin kita. Kahit na alam kong may mahal kang iba. Kahit alam kong wala akong pag-asa. Mahal kita. Ano man ang sabihin nila, magmuka man akong gago, maging mag-isa man ako habang buhay, dumating ka man sa dulo o hindi, mahal parin kita, hihintayin parin kita.

Sa palagay ko hindi. Pero wala naman ako'ng magagawa eh, 'di ko mababago 'yon. Ayoko rin namang ipilit sa'yo na ma-miss mo din ako dahil nangako na 'ko na hindi na 'ko magiging demanding kahit kailan. Gusto ko sana, kahit 'yung pangako lang na 'yon matupad ko. Para kahit pa'no, masabi mo na may ginawa ako'ng tama at ma-realize mo na hindi ako kasing sensitive katulad ng iniisip mo. Pero hindi naman mahalaga ngayon sa'kin kung tama ba o mali 'tong ginagawa ko eh. Basta ang sigurado ko, natutupad ko 'yung pangako ko na hindi na 'ko magiging sobrang demanding. Mukhang nag-e-enjoy ka naman 'ata eh.

Aaminin ko sa'yo, sobrang miss na kita. Biruin mo, isang buwan na tayong 'di nagkakasama. Kung alam mo lang kung ga'no na 'ko ka-desperado na makasama ka ulit kahit na isang segundo lang. Alam mo na magiging sobrang saya ko 'pag nangyari 'yon. Pero katulad ng naipangako ko, hindi ko ide-demand sa'yo na gawin 'yon para sa'kin. Dahil ayokong aksayahin ang isang segundo mo para mapangiti lang ako.

Ayokong isipin mo na nagda-drama nanaman ako, gusto kong malaman mo na nasasaktan ako. Bakit balewala lang sa'yo kung hindi man tayo nagkikita? Samantalang ako, mamatay-matay sa sobrang pagka-miss ko sa'yo. Natatakot ako na baka wala na ngang chance para magkasama tayo ulit. March na, huling hirit para sa'tin, pero walang linaw kung makaka-hirit pa ba 'ko ng isang segundo para makatabi ka. Sobrang labo. Parang imposible na'ng mangyari.

Minsan natatawa ako sa sarili ko na wala na 'kong ibang alam sabihin kundi tungkol kay Shawnee at kay Em-em para lang makuha ang atensyon mo. Isang walang muwang na bata at isang walang laban na manika, ginagawa kong paraan para makausap ka. Pero, wala naman ako'ng ibang alam na gawin eh. 'Yun lang ang paraan para pansinin mo ko. Ngayong alam mo na, wala na kong natitirang pag-asang mapansin mo pa. Sa palgay ko, ang gusto ko lang sabihin eh "nami-miss na kita!". Hindi mo ba 'ko nami-miss? Sana alam mo na kahit na ano'ng mangyari, nandito lang ako, hinihintay ka parin. Ilang linggo nalang kakailanganing ko na'ng tuluyang magpaalam sa'yo. Pero pakiramdam ko, matagal ka na'ng nawala sa'kin.

That is such a silly name, I thought, but catchy at the same time. I can't help but to laugh out loud but managed to control my self as I don't want to wake everybody who's been in their deepest sleep (it was the wee hours, you know).

On Valentines day, I was really bored. I stayed home and waited for 7o'clock PM for Ralph Jhonel. So I found a way to chase boredom away, I made my self a doll. I am used of making my own dolls, but they're no ordinary dolls by the way, I love making voodoo dolls. But this particular event, as it was Valentines day, I decided I'm not making any creepy voodoo dolls. So I made one from natural materials instead. It's head is a dried-out betel nut fruit and the body's made from mango tree branches. It has a hair that's reminiscent of Emily the Strange because of it's bangs. It's arms are long, even longer than it's body. And it's legs are short.

I told Ralph Jhonel about the doll, and asked him to give it a name. It was almost 3 in the morning when he finally came up with a name, Marilyn, form Marilyn Manson. I doubt about the name, "What if she got mistaken for a boy?".

"So let's just call her Marilyn Reynes instead!" he finally said after a long while. I really had a good laugh when he told me that, but found it really cute. I realized how cute Ralph Jhonel can be. I really missed it talking to him like that. Now that we're talking again, I know that the thing that happened between the two us had already patched itself up. We're friends again, there's no need for saying it at all. The mere fact that Ralph Jhonel talks to me again simply proves that the off-season is over. He's finally back to his old self. And I'm glad about it.

Three weeks of giving each other the cold shoulder was really crucial. Now that we're friends again, I'm going to take care of this friendship with all the best that I can. I promised him not to be too demanding again, and I'll do that for certain. Because I don't want to jeopardize this friendship again. I'm really going to kill my self if that happens once more.

To say "Good morning!" to Marilyn Reynes, or Em-em, is what I do first thing in the morning. She so far never fails to make me smile each time I'm going to see her. Maybe because she reminds me of the new friendship Ralph Jhonel and I started. She's like a trophy I won after a hard challenge. The challenge I went through in the last three weeks. Now that it's over, this trophy, or Em-em as what we call her, is going to be a reminder for me that I should take care of this friendship with Ralph Jhonel. For everytime I'm going to see Em-em, I'm going to be reminded to be thankful to God that Ralph Jhonel came back to my life. And as long as I live, I'm going to keep this doll with me. The same way I'm going to keep Ralph Jhonel in my heart forever.

Call me insane. I tried to kill my self last night because of Ralph Jhonel. It was the first time I cried that hard that I almost attempted to harm my self. It wasn't going to be the first time I'm hurting my self because of him though. On January 31st, at around 4o'clock in the morning, I cut my wrist (the left one, just to be precise), spelling out "I LOVE U RALPH", just because I was feeling bad about my self that I was being pathetic to get Ralph Jhonel too angry towards me. Now that's insane!

Last night was another story. I was really hurt and my system cannot take it anymore. I burst out with tears every-so-often that I remember how Ralph Jhonel did ignore me for the nth time. I was really, really upset and I cry my heart out. I initially thought about the razor blade I'm keeping. I even already sent him my supposed-to-be famous last words through text, saying, "If I die tonight, always remember I love you and I'm sorry for what I've done. Bye Photskie."

Sometimes, it pays to be coward. Good thing I only half-heartedly want to suddenly leave. Ralph Jhonel and I got better during the dawn this morning. I realized I was expecting to go to heaven when my heaven is actually here on earth all along. How can I think of taking my life when my life is him. Ralph Jhonel, a.k.a. my heaven, my life. Here on earth is where I'm supposed to be. Because he's here. He brings me to heaven with just a single smile. He makes my life worth living. My heaven, my life. I couldn't really ask for more.

Corps Commander. Mr. President. Mr. (soon-to-be) Valedictorian. And now, Prom King. My God, Ralph Jhonel is such an icon. No wonder I'm head-over-heels in love with him. He can have this title this moment and another one the next. I'm starting to believe he might be a God!

Last night's the prom night. Ralph Jhonel texts in the afternoon bragging out how good looking he was. "This guy is too over-confident about himself." I told my self, smiling. I mean, there's no doubt he's handsome, it is one of the many things I love about him, but you don't say things like such about your self just that. Other people are the ones supposed to make the spiel. I carried on with my own thing anyway (I was in charge of doing my cousin's hair and make-up).

We arrived at the venue late. I found my self searching for a particular face, Ralph Jhonel's face, the love of my life's face. I found him in no time. It wasn't hard to spot him through the crowd in coats and ties and gowns because he just simply stands out among the others. Damn! He wasn't telling the truth when he said he's good looking, because it turned out it was an understatement. The real thing is Ralph Jhonel is drop-dead gorgeous. Dressed to kill. A God on earth.

He's done this before many, many times; be himself and look gorgeous while some poor sap (like me) leans in towards him and just constantly stares in awe. He's probably heard it all before, he's handsome, he's a genius, he gets away with everything with just a flash of his pearly-whites (Oh, his smile!). He's got a special place in my heart, this Ralph Jhonel Gatmaitan, and I know he is one of the guys I will never tire of seeing.

That he is handsome is hardly a proffered opinion more so as a universal truth. Looking to his better-than-average physical attributes for longer than a couple of seconds, I can't help but to feel a sensation not unlike that of drowning; I felt completely helpless and lost; I was throwing punches underwater. But it is an exquisite agony, and instead of panicking, I felt my self surrendering completely to the emotion.

I found my self smiling every time Ralph Jhonel appears in my peripheral vision. I feel so lucky to be this perfect creature's friend. OK, maybe not perfect, maybe an anthropomorphic personification of a Greek God. That's more like it!

But I can't show my self to him. Three weeks ago, I put our friendship in jeopardy. He said I was being paranoid, thinking about too many things that doesn't even exist. I said it was my instinct, more like a sixth sense, knowing it's actually happening but hoping upon hope that it's not. This friendship with Ralph Jhonel is subject to a failure. I'm trying my best to hold tight to what's left of us. But things are getting too complicated. It is like having Boracay sand inside my fist. And the more I try to hold on tight, the more it slips through my fingers.

I cry my self to sleep in the last three weeks thinking, "How can I make things go back to the way it was?" I already apologized to Ralph Jhonel, but going back to 'the way it was' is not quite there yet. I'm starting to hurry things up because vacation is fast approaching. And summer means goodbye for us. I try to do my best to make things right, if only I can turn back time.

He was the last one called, the Prom King. My heart leaped as the host announces Ralph Jhonel's victory. He walked towards the center-stage and every one's admiring the God in front of us. I'm so proud of him, I hope he knows I am. He had his first dance with his queen and I watched him do his thing so perfectly. The best thing I can do was to imagine I was his queen. But it's the craziest, most impossible thought for an imagination. Because I am not his queen. I was never his queen. And I know I never will be.

I left even before the dance ends. I thanked God for bringing Ralph Jhonel to my life. Ralph Jhonel: Corps Commander. Mr. President. Mr. Valedictorian-in-the-making. Prom King. A God on earth. But I prefer calling him Photskie, the love of my life, my Amorsolo. And to finally know how it feels like to be his queen, I know I'll be right here waiting for the rest of my life.

"What things should I tell Ralph Jhonel to make him transform back to his old self?" I found my self asking to Frankie out of nowhere. "I already tried everything."

That's true. I tried everything I could just to win our friendship back, but nothing really worked. I text, tried to call, sent a letter, but the distance between us won't get any closer. It's really frustrating. It's killing me.

I can't really think of a possible reason why he's doing this to me. That's what makes it more frustrating and harder to make amends. How can I ever make things right if I don't even know what went wrong in the first place? You don't have an idea how hard it is for me to try to analyze the previous events Ralph Jhonel and I went through just to extract anything that could possibly trigger to this current situation. Did I get him upset? Did I say -- or do -- something wrong? I really don't know.

I so badly want to initiate reconciliation, but how can I do so if he won't even give a damn about me? I'm not sure he's going to refuse to reconcile with me. It's not that my self-esteem is low, it's just that Ralph Jhonel has never been like this to me before. He must be really upset to turn his back to me just that.

"He f*cking hates me!" I used to tell my self. Now I think it was a prophecy. Maybe this is my destiny; to live my life without Ralph Jhonel. To see him but can't touch. He feels so far away, and won't come any closer. Maybe this is the real "Tuesday's doomsday", the end of me -- and my dreams. Is it time to wake up from this and accept that I am doomed? He f*cking hates me, but it doesn't mean I have to forget about him. I love him. I so f*cking do. I love Ralph Jhonel so much, and that's the only thing I am holding on to.

It's like a crumpled paper that no matter how hard we try to bring it back to it's original look, it will never look the same again.


I saw Ralph Jhonel just now from afar, and man, he's as cute as ever. I really missed him big time. But I know that things aren't the same anymore between the two of us. It all started a while ago, two weeks to be exact. After the movie we were making, he suddenly transformed into a different person -- the one I can't seem to appreciate. I tried to SMS him but he just won't give a response. And by the way, I was trying to call him last night but he won't answer the call. I was totally hurt. I even cried. So I called Marnel and Jhep and asked them if they're interested to drink the night away.

It was 11PM when I met up with Jhep, Marnel came after a while. It took us an hour to finally get to drinking. Marnel and Jhep might noticed my silence, so they asked. I too realized that I wasn't talking the whole night. I was hurt, and I can't take that fact off my mind. And that might be the cause of my being quiet. I just can't accept the fact that Ralph Jhonel can take it getting me hurt this bad. I remember me saying to Frankie after the infamous attempted call to Ralph Jhonel, "How can Ralph Jhonel do this to me? I wasn't doing wrong to him to make him hate me so much." Tears falling from my eyes. Good thing that my "mga men" somehow know just how to make me feel better. We watched a pretty hilarious DVD called "Timba at Tabo", and I really had good laughs. We then watched "Megamol" after the other. I am not really a fan of Pinoy movies, but I found my self smiling for the first time that night. I wondered how would the night be if Ralph Jhonel was around. It could've been more than that. But at the back of my mind, I'm not sure we're going to act normal in the presence of each other. I'm afraid of it to happen to us, I really am. But I just can't do something to avoid that. It's hard to try when he himself won't try too. I don't want to force my self to him. I don't want to make it seem as if this friendship is falling -- though it's somehow a reality, and I really feel bad. The thing is, I don't want to make it obvious so that it won't be hard for the both of us to patch things up.

He texted me this morning, explaining on how he missed the infamous call I was trying to make last night -- as if I was asking for his explanation. He said that he was in bed and already asleep when I was calling. Yeah right! How can it be possible that his mobile was ringing at the first few attempts, then turned off after a while, then on again and he was sleeping? OK. Maybe I'm just being too paranoid. Maybe his mobile has a life of it's own.

My baby sister Shawnee and I misses Ralph Jhonel so much. Shawnee always go inside my room and ask for "Putkie" (that`s what she calls Ralph Jhonel). And I`ll find my self telling her things like, "Putkie won`t come here that often anymore." and "I`m missing him too." It feels as if I am a mother talking to her child, explaining that her Daddy is away somewhere for work. And that`s exactly what it feels like actually. And things can`t be more nostalgic, I miss Ralph Jhonel even more whenever I get inside my Dad`s house for we spent the last one month almost living there. Now it feels like our own.

January 30, 2009

I fail to see Ralph Jhonel in ages and I`m starting to miss him terribly. It`s been a week since we finished the film we were making and we didn`t find time to see each other since. But thank God I saw him the other day. It doesn`t matter if he noticed me or not, what matters is that I got a dose of him.