My 103 Dilemmas

I'm getting more and more bothered everyday. I'm afraid of this feeling. I'm afraid of the uncertainties that lies ahead of me. This feeling, the one I'm having since the first time I met him, is the same feeling that makes me want to go on. To keep holding on. He's my inspiration. But he wouldn't give a damn. I don't expect something in return, I suppose he's aware of that. All I just want is for him -- and for the people around us -- to let me stay in this way. I mean, I already contented myself with the thought of being just a friend only because that's what he wants and who am I to complain, right? What he don't know is that I am still wanting him so bad. I love him. So much as a matter of fact. And I know that no one needs him more than I do. I'd bet the farm, not even the girlfriend. I mean, why would I cry every night if I don't want him beside me? Why is it that my idea of heaven is being with him if I believe we're better off as friends?

Maybe it's true that I'm deep. Too unfathomable to get ignored. Am I misleading people from my true feelings just because I don't tell them I'm dying inside? The truth of the matter is, I want to scream at the top of my lungs to let them know what's inside of me. That if they yank away my hair and peel-off my clothes, nothing would be left of me. My heart is so isolated since the last nine months. And I never had someone to occupy that emptiness since. But that's just fine, as long as he's going to say he'll be there in the of my dreams. Or am I just letting myself hope for the hardly anticipated again and get gurt once more in the end. But as for me, he can keep on hurting me and I'll keep loving him in exchange. For, after all, I just told him I love him. And never did I asked himto love me back.

I, The Girl Who Cried "Wolf"

Cue: Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! At the Disco
If it is true that the violin is the most perfect of musical instruments, then loving the guy is the violin of my thoughts. It may not be perfect in it's truest sense, at least it feels perfect for me.
Such a lovely statement to say for an intro. Who would've thought I am in the middle of a huge dilemma right at this very moment. Never in my whole, damned life had I envisioned myself having this strong feeling for a guy. And did I forgot to tell you that I have to pretend that I don't feel that way anymore? -- Let us all groan!
People who think all sensations reach us through our brains may have forgotten that my whole body is alive and that includes my heart. I have feelings too, I guess I ought to let you know. I smile, that's true, but sometimes I have to force a smile just to please everybody. Because behind those smiles are pieces of a broken heart inside. Those fake smiles, my other means of telling a lie, are most reliable especially in the condition around me. Don't get me wrong, those lies are what I refer to as "white lies". I lie so I can't hurt others, but my own self. Maybe I lie an awful lot, I even get to fool myself.
OK. I do not plan on telling everybody about this lie I'm having. Not the ones I might run-over the feelings with, at least. I know they wouldn't want to discover such secrets. It's better to be hurt myself than to get those people hurt because of my foolishness. So I take the tears. As I lay in my bed at night, I would weep as I hope few people have to weep. I would feel damned, I would imagine I should die before morning, and the thought would comfort me.
There are times I feel obsessed. I even snatched some of his new photos posted on his Friendster and I plan on having them printed so I can keep them inside my wallet. I also kept the wrapper of the candy he gave me before, inside my memory-box. It was the first thing he gave me. I mean, he gave me this necklace which I didn't wore-off since he let me have it, but I had to give him my Zero trucker cap in exchange. So I consider the candy the first thing he gave. He said, Geek in the Pink by Jason Mraz is his song for meand I liked the song since. And now I'm thinking I'm going to be a stalker any moment now. There are days when the attention I must not give breaks my spirit, and the thought that I must spend my time in solitude, while in the world with those people I have to deal with, makes me rebellious; but I know I'll soon recover my grip and just laugh the discontent out of my heart. For, after all, everyone who wishes to gain true love must climb the Hill Difficulty alone, and since there is no royal road to the summit, I must zigzag it in my own way. I'llslip back many times, I'll fall, I'll stand still, I'll run against hidden obstacles, I'll lose my temper and find it again and keep it better, I'll trudge on, I'll gain a little, I'll feel couraged, I'll get more eager and climb higher and will begin to see the widening horizon. Every struggle will be a victory. One more effort and I know I'll find true love. But in the meantime, I'll just keep on waiting. I'll keep on lying, although I find it really exhausting. Lying sucks! Maybe Panic! At the Disco got the wrong impression about it after all.

I, The Solitary Angel

I fly across worlds in full solitude with my huge, black wings. I, the loneliest person I know.

I don't know if it's just me or I'm really solitary. I have friends, a bunch of them as a matter of fact. But looking at them that particular night made me realize they're strangers. They weren't the ones I knew. Rhein had changed. And JC. And Frankie. They wear the same faces but everything's changed. They won't listen now like they used to.They say things I can't understand -- not that they had been talking in alien languages, there were just those things I found difficult to comprehend with.

It's ridiculous to distrust them. And it sucks that I'm giving them the cold shoulder. Maybe I just got used to being special. That they always listened when I told them things. That they got worried when I weeped. So from now on, I decided not to tell them things and not to cry so that no one can ever accuse me of being special again.

Rhein always say I am deep. But in reality, I'm shallow. Too shallow to think this way. To act immature. To be stubborn.

JC always say he's always amused by my ways. But I don't need any of those amusements now. What I need is the 'them' before. The people I knew. The unchanged 'them'.

Frankie always make me feel lucky. We're inseparable. And it's a shame to put them to a test like this. I thought they're going to miss me if I keep my distance from them. But it worked the other way around. Vise-versa that is! I'm missing them lot instead.

I flew away with my huge, black wings in full solitude. Admiring those shiny feathers I have. Frankie, JC and Rhein. Maybe it's justreally me after all. Maybe I ain't the solitary angel I thought I am.