Why do I always have to say things that I will eventually wish I never have said? Minsan Naiinis na nga ako sa sarili ko. 'Pag nagsalita ako walang preno. Tapos mare-realize ko nalang, marami na nagbago (o magbabago) nang dahil lang sa mga binitawan kong salita. Minsan tuloy naiisip ko, siguro mas magandang mag-sinungaling nalang instead of telling the truth na hindi ko naman kayang panindigan. Nakakatawa na kahit na napakarami ko nang na-experience na nagsisi ako dahil sa mga bagay na nasabi ko, tuloy parin ako sa gano'ng katangahan.

Pero, kung sa bagay, at least naging honest ako. Kahit halos 'di na 'ko nakatulog ng maayos kagabi (and to think lasing pa 'ko) sa kaka-isip kung ano ang pwedeng maging epekto ng kabaliwang nasabi ko, bottom-line is naging totoo 'ko sa kanya at the very least. Mas hindi siguro ako makakatulog ng maayos kung nagawa kong mag-sinungaling sa kan'ya.

Alam ko maraming p'wedeng mangyari at maraming pwedeng magbago dahil sa nasabi ko kagabi. Bahala na si Batman! Basta ako, I'll try to forget those things I said so things will be the same for us. I don't want him to think that I am just taking advantage of the situation because I know that I mean it when I said what I said. Sana lang walang mag-bago. Sana 'pag nabasa n'ya 'to, malaman n'ya na pinagsisisihan ko na 'yung nasabi ko sa kan'ya. Not that I want to eat my words, it's just that I feel that I should just kept my stupid mouth shut. IWANU GA HANA! (some things are better left unsaid). That's a Japanese phrase that always squeeze it's way into my consciousness whenever I get my self in this kind of situation. Pero, nakakainis! Bakit 'di parin ako natututo? Bakit palagi parin akong nagkakamali? Bakit palagi nalang akong nagsasabi ng mga bagay tapos pinagsisisihan ko din? Ang labo.

Pa'no kung iba na ang tingin n'ya sa'kin? Pa'no kung iniisip n'ya na may hidden agenda ako? Pa'no kung bigla nalang ayaw na n'ya akong maging kaibigan?

Pero kung s'ya naman ang magsasabi no'n, wala na akong magagawa. Tutal kasalanan ko naman. Siguro ngayon kailangan ko nang matuto. Siguro sa susunod mag-iisip muna ako bago ako magsalita. Para wala na akong salitang babawiin. Para wala na akong wrong move na pagsisisihan.

My life has never been a bed of roses, but I see to it that I live life to the fullest. "Carpe Diem!" I always remind my self. Looking through the rose-colored spectacles of life, you'll see that the grass is much greener on the other side.

I understand that you are in a difficult situation. But you must always remind yourself that life is wonderful and learn to enjoy it. Try to see things through positive perspectives. Observe the people around you and look at the situation without taking it too personally. Get motivated. Prioritize the things you enjoy doing the most. Focus on your abilities and excel in many things, like in your studies for example (I know you're doing great at it). Be optimistic. Besides, no one has ever damaged his eyesight by looking at the brighter side of things.

Our minds are very powerful. Anything we say to ourselves, we will definitely believe eventually. So always correct your words (silent or aloud), whenever you start to tell yourself negative things. Like, if you keep on telling yourself that no one cares about you and that people's opinions are useless, then your brain will hear you and will believe in you. So you have to stop yourself and rather say, "I know there's someone out there who cares."

Also, realize that bad things happen to other people too, not only you. So therefore, you won't have to think you already have the worse in life. See this things as a challenge and you'll see how quickly you can get past this bad time and bounce back.

You have the ability to either accept things you cannot change, or change the things you can.

Try looking at your problems from another angle. For example, I had a difficult hair all my life and I always wanted to get it straight and nothing worked. But now that I have accepted this wild hair of mine, I have found ways to tie it up that looks nice and now I like my hair because God thought it suited me. Otherwise, He would not have given it to me. (This is a silly example but you can get the idea.)

I have a problem with my facial muscles. But then, on the days when I feel sorry for myself, I'd just think about the people in wheelchairs or the kids who do not have toys to play with and I'd be thankful that I'm still luckier enough. I'm glad that the only paralized part is just half of my face so at least I can smile to the bunch of friends I have.

"God helps you if you are a phoenix and you dare to rise up from the ash. A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy while you are just flying past." Oh, great! I'm quoting Ani DiFranco here again (just like I always do). That line never fails to give me inspiration, you know.

"If problem comes, cry! But NEVER give up!" A friend in high school once told me that, the most effective advice ever. Ask God for help too, but you must believe or it might not work. Don't tell God you have big problems, tell your problems you have a big God and you'll scare them away knowing that your big God is always with you.

I hope this helps you even a bit! Always take care and keep safe. If you need more counseling, you know I'm always here. I'd be more than willing to help.

P.S. I care!

Papa is not the perfect dad. But it won't make me think any less of him. He may not be the ideal father, yet I love him for just the way he is. I couldn't really ask for more. He is just the right dad for me.

When I was a kid, the first things that come to my mind when I hear the word "Papa" are new toys, new clothes, new shoes, voice-tapes and greeting cards. He was away then to work at Saudi Arabia. I remember how it felt like whenever he comes home, I was always excited at the maximum. The surprises were always the greatest thrills. I wouldn't have an idea he's coming home until he's here. There even was that one time when he picked us up after school and we were really surprised. I don't know if it was also the same time when he carried me on his back all the way home. The only thing I am sure about is that I was really wanting everybody's eyes on me and my dad. So there won't be a need to say, "Hey! My Papa is home."

Things changed as I grew older. I got so rebellious as hell when I was 16. I learned to smoke cigarettes (and weeds), and started to get addicted to alcohol. I got along with the wrong group of people, the ones who won't think of their futures. We would spend every single night at our hang-out drinnking until morning, if not until we're wasted. I would always find my self in trouble. I fought a whole lot, blotter records are going to prove that. My so-called friends and I even had chases with patrol cars, and there were times we ended-up being caught. By then, Papa was really furious with me. We would always have a row, everyday. We would forever shout at each other everytime we felt like doing so. I was being rude and thoughtless, I know I was hurting him so much. Maybe not physically, but I got him hurt emotionally. Technically, I hurt him. It was awful. I was so pathetic. It felt impossible to gain trust from him anymore. But as a rebellious, teenage-dirtbag that I was, I still can't stop doing things I thought were cool. Until I finally realized what I've done.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror one night, and I saw me there. Piercings everywhere, bloodshot eyes, hevy eye-liners trying to cover those huge eye-bags, filthy hair and the air of angst and notoriety in my aura. I was sure then that Papa isn't happy to see me like that. I cried. The softness of the inner me ruled. I realized I'm not proving anything out of being rebellious. I'm giving a bad name not just for my self, but also to my family. And so I turned my back from the supid a**hole I had become.

I am having a perfect relationship with Papa now. Maybe not perfect in it's truest sense, just perfect for me at least. I completely forgot about being the black sheep and even got my self in church activities and youth organizations. I learned a lot from that episode of my not so picture-perfected life story. And I don't want to turn Papa down again. Papa really is the best dad in the world. My friends even say they wish they have a dad like mine. I am proud he's my father. I want to show him how I really am sorry for what I've done before. I want to thank him for he carried me home an awful lot of times because I got drunk and wasted. For he covered me with the warm blanket, it made me feel secured. For he gave me that sponge bath with warm water and isopropyl. For he accepted my apology with no hesitations. For he is never turned down inspite of what I am. I want to tell him I love him so much. And that I feel lucky to have him for a dad. I hope he feels it when I kiss him.

I wish we can be closer than ever. I want to spend time with him more often. I want to try to do his stuffs like constructing wooden chairs and tables, and gardening. It can be a good bonding activity for us. I want to laugh with him at the gag shows on primetime TV. And to fix our messed-up sound system with him. Maybe I can even talk to him about the guy I like, I wonder what he's going to say. I want to take care of him when he's old. And more importantly, I want him to know that he still have a son in me inspite of what I am.

I Understand. I Certainly Do. And I won't argue about it with him at all. I know how it feels like to be in his position. I know he thinks that no one will understand and that nobody will give a damn about it. He is entitled to feel his own emotions, so I guess I can't just tell him to quit feeling lethargic and pretend that everything's okay.

I read his blogs and it made me feel as if I was reading someone else's. He is a atranger all of a sudden. It feels like I never knew him all along. The ironies of life! I always thought we are similar in all aspects, but I am so foolish to have come up with that idea. It scares me big time, the idea that I only know him with the things that meet the eyes. I wish I took time to know him underneath his skin, to realize things from his emotions, and to recognize the real persona of his soul. I honestly do think that what's left of him that I know about is his name, and nothing more. That's lame!

It makes me feel sad to realize that I don't know him after all, when I thought I always did. How can I ever show him I care for him after I found out I barely know him? Will he believe that I actually do understand and care for someone who suddenly turned into a total stranger? But it doesn't matter. I don't care if he won't give a damn about my being concerned, the same way that he won't give a damn for the people who cares for him. i still wan to be one of his friends, I am willing to start all over again if I need to. Maybe I am being an ambitious crature to ask for it, but I really do want to know more about him. So I can show him how I really care, and he won't mind.

I am not a huge fan of soap operas, but I always find it helpful blogging about dramas -- my real life dramas, that is. I hate it when I tell my problems to people, maybe that's the reason why they thought I'm the happy-go-lucky kind. What they don't know is that my heart is dying inside. People don't know a lot about me, just the things that meet their eyes. The main factor is that I don't usually consult other people's opinions. Instead, I write things down on my diary badly disguised as a blog.

Life dramas are the things we can't just take away. It's a part of the contract of life that we signed before we were born. And it is what makes this life a roller coaster ride. Problems come as soon as we wake-up in the morning. You'll never know when you're gonna see some zits around your face. And when you go to the bathroom to wash your face, you'll learn that you ran-out of Pond's already. These are just the simplest form of dilemmas of life. We just don't usually notice them since we encounter bigger problems already.

Bigger problems mean bigger depressions. Sometimes, it also means longer blog entries -- for me at least. I also get piercings when I am depressed, a dozen of them are the products. And there was also a time when I cut my hair real short just because my crush won't notice me. Call me insane, but I'm not the only person on earth who cuts their hair or do things like that just because they're down. I've seen this particular As Told By Ginger episode where Courtney Grippling dyed her hair from blonde to jet-black because Ginger Foutley gets more attention, to think that Courtney is the most popular girl at Lucky Junior High. Okay, I know it's just a cartoon show but still the idea's from people anyway.

But inspite of those outrageous things I've done so far out of depressions, I still know my limitations. I won't go forcing my life to an end by commiting suicide just because I am sad. I am contented of piercing body parts and cutting my hair short (or getting a tattoo maybe, although I already have one) and won't go beyond it. We can't escape problems. Isn't it what life is all about? We all continue to live as we deal with all the ups and downs in life. There is happily ever after if we don't get hurt. Because there can be no eventuality until you've learn from your mistakes. Life is totally realistic in every way.

But inspite of those outrageous things I've done so far out of depressions, I still know my limitations. I won't go forcing my life to an end by commiting suicide just because I am sad. I am contented of piercing body parts and cutting my hair short (or getting a tattoo maybe, although I already have one) and won't go beyond it. We can't escape problems. Isn't it what life is all about? We all continue to live as we deal with all the ups and downs in life. There is happily ever after if we don't get hurt. Because there can be no eventuality until you've learn from your mistakes. Life is totally realistic in every way.

Ok.Wala naman talagang saysay 'tong entry na 'to. Parang gusto ko lang isulat kung ano ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Kung ano ang tumatakbo sa magulo kong isipan. At kung ano ang nararamdaman ng makulit kong puso. Sa totoo lang napaka-hirap para sa'kin na tansyahin kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Sa t'wing susubukan kong gawin 'yon, sumasakit ang ulo ko. Siguro tinatamad 'yung buong sistema ng katawan ko para pag-aksayahan pa ng panahon na isipin lahat ng mga bagay na kaya ko namang hindi na problemahin. Pero minsan kailangan talagang malaman ng tao kung ano na ang lagay ng sarili n'ya. Para alam natin kung pa'no natin haharapin ang buhay sa sarili lang natin. Para maayos natin kung ano man 'yung mga bagay na hindi natin maintindihan. Importante nga siguro na kilala natin ang sarili natin. O sige, aalamin ko. Sino ba ako sa mga oras na 'to?

Mahirap timplahin ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Nakakalito. Hindi ko maintindihan. Masay ba 'ko o hindi? Ang sabi ng utak ko, masaya daw ako. Siguro dahil may isang tao na nagpapasaya sa'kin sa nakalipas na mga linggo. Pero bakit iba ang sinasabi ng puso ko? Bawat tibok nito, parang sinasabi na merong kulang sa buhay ko ngayon. Kung ano man 'yon, o kung sino man, pakiramdam ko nasanay ako na palagi s'yang nand'yan. Palagi kong nakikita. Palagi kong nakakasama. Tapos sa isang iglap, bigla nalang nawala. Nakakabitin. Nakakabigla.

Gusto ko rin malaman kung ano ang lagay ng puso ko. Nu'ng isang buwan lang, pakiramdam ko gusto nang sumuko nito sa pag-tibok. Nasktan ako. Alam ko ganu'n din 'yung puso ko. Pinag-bawalan ko na 'tong magmahal. Parang gusto n'ya magreklamo, 'di ko s'ya masisisi kasi 'yun ang trabaho n'ya. Dun s'ya nabubuhay. Hindi s'ya titibok kung wala s'yang mamahalin. Pero wala na 'kong magagawa kung 'di s'ya kayang mahalin ng pusong minamahal n'ya. Nakakalungkot, pero 'yun ang totoo. Kaya 'tong puso ko, mag-isa nalang. Nakaka-awa, umiiyak pero walng dapat maka-kita.

'To namang utak kong walang kasing gulo, walang ibang alam gawin kundi gawing complicated ang lahat ng bagay. Sumobra sa talino, pati tuloy sarili kong desisyon panapangunahan. Pinipilit n'yang isipin ko lahat ng masasayang bagay, kaysa magpaka-senti habang buhay. Sabi n'ya isipin ko daw 'yung tao na nakakapagpasaya sa'kin. Pati 'yung mga bagay na ginagawa ng taong 'yon. Totoo, masaya ako. Salamat sa taong nagbibigay sa'kin ng reasons para maging masaya. Siguro tama din ang utak ko kahit pa'no, kalimutan ko muna 'yung mga malulungkot na pangyayari sa buhay ko hangga't may pagkakataon pa para magpaka-saya.

Pero, nagtatalo ang puso ko at ang utak ko. Sabi ng puso ko, alam daw n'ya na magiging mas masaya 'ko du'n sa taong iniiyakan ko. Pero sabi ng utak ko, itigil ko na daw ang pag-iilusyon.

Alam ng puso ko kung ano ang makakapag-pasaya sa'kin. Alam ng utak ko na masasaktan din ako. Tanong ni utak, "'Di ka pa ba naging masaya sa mga nagdaang linggo?" Tanong naman ni puso, "Hanggang kailan naman 'yung saya na 'yon?"

Haay! Mahirap. Nakakalito. Parang sasabog ang ulo ko. Parang puputok ang dibdib ko. Hanggang ngayon nagtatalo parin sila. Pero ako, eto! Naghihintay lang kung anong mangyayari. Nag-aabang lang ng desisyon kung sino ang susundin ko. Bahala na. May tiwala naman ako sa kanila eh!

I wonder if you are also thinking of me at this very moment. Did I ever cross your mind since the last time you walked out of my door? Do you remember how tightly I had my arms around you as if I won't ever let go? That was the happiest moment of my life. My idea of heaven. The eventuality of my dreams. We stayed that way all night. We talked about your dreams and I listened carefully, afraid that I might miss a word and fail to know more about you. You kept talking and I was there, staring to your face as if to memorize every details. Your face, my favorite sight in the world. Do you have an idea how handsome you are? I stared to your eyes, and smiled for I realized it was the closest our faces has ever been. I stared still and all I can hear was your voice. I thanked God we're together. I'm so lucky to have found you.

Do you remember I told you that I love your hands? I confessed I find them small and cute. And then you raised your hand and we stared at it in all admiration for what seemed like forever. I held it in mine, and you didn't mind. I hope you know that you make me happy. You make me feel special. You're the reason why I smile involuntarily each and every so often. Do you know I love you so? Those three words I said so much, but not enough. I can never make you mine though I try. The world is against us. Those people I always thought would be happy seeing us together are the same people keeping us in such unbearable distance. They told me I should not let myself fall for you. So that's what I do as I have no choice.

I'm sorry I can't fight for you. How can I fight for someone who's never even mine? You belong to someone else, I am fully aware of that. And I know I have no rights to argue about my love for you. Those people against us ma be right all along, that everything's going to be less complicated if I keep my distance from you.

But don't think I enjoy these things. You should know it kills me inside with torture. The moment I let you off my embrace, I knew by instinct that I'm going to miss you terribly. That's the reason why I asked for another minute to hug you. Thanks for giving me that one last minute for me to have you in my arms. That was the longest 60 seconds of my life.

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... You counted every seconds with me. A memory of how I met you flashed back to me. It was the 15th of September 2007. The night was dull and then, there you were like a knight in shining armor. I knew right then and there, you were going to be special.

8... 9... 10... 11... 12... 13... 14... 15... Remember when I told you I like you? And that I don't ask for something in return. I still feel the same. But don't worry, I still won't ask you to feel the same for me.

16... 17... 18... 19... 20... 21... Do you realize how happy you make me feel whenever you call my name? Because finally, I am no stranger to you. Everytime you say my name, it makes me like my name more.

22... 23... 24... 25... 26... I have a confession to make, I secretly call you "Mine".

27... 28... 29... 30... And that I kissed your ear while you were asleep.

31... 32... 33... 34... 35... 36... I always thought I got you where I want you.

37... 38... 39... 40... Now I must let you go. I hate to do this and I know I'm going to regret this for the life of me.

41... 42... 43... I love you. I'm glad I didn't died before I met you.

44... 45... 46... 47... I'll remember your smile. And your voice. And your face, and how you look like in the morning. The way your hand fits in my hands. And that last hug that I had that night when I was wasted and you carried me and brought me home and tucked me in my bed.

48... 49... 50... 51... 52... I'll keep you in me. Don't worry about me. Don't be bothered when I cry.

53... 54... 55... 56... 57... I want you to take care of yourself. I want the best for you. I hope someday I can hug you again, if I can I will hug you the tightest and won't ever let you go.

58... 59... 60... I love you, Mine!