Ate Shishi gave my twin, Frankie, a book of seemingly unending Sudoku puzzles. I guessed it was a Christmas present and Frankie was overjoyed. I don't know what is it in Sudoku puzzles that excites her so much. I mean, they're number puzzles for goodness' sake! What other things can be more boring than numbers?

I don't really play Sudoku, but there was that time in November when I answered one that's printed in the tabloid. I thought it was a piece of cake. I even finished it under 10 minutes, and to think it was the first I had. Until Ate Shishi gave the book to Frankie. I learned that there are such things like easy, medium, hard and very hard levels of the game. I thought that is so interesting so I tried to solve one.
Man, medium level was a torture! I just can't figure out the answer. It actually took me a good 45 minutes before I finally gave up. I ended up a loser.

What dragged on while I was trying to solve the puzzle was the familiar feelings I felt. I know I already felt those feelings before. The frustrations, the impatience, the mind blowing headaches, the relief. It hit me, Sudoku puzzle is like living life. You'll feel the excitement and the tension. And you'll sometimes make mistakes. You'll start with a scratch, you'll carefully choose what move to do. One mistake and everything is ruined. You'll try to figure out what went wrong. You'll learn. You'll try to do it right. And then you're the victor.

As I was trying to make some sense to these similarities, I realized how amazing it is that Sudoku is really like the real life. That sometimes we make some decisions just like that, never realizing we might have made the wrong move. And we can only be aware of our mistakes when we learn that the things around us were ruined. We'll try to go back to the start but the page isn't as clear as it was, before our thoughtlessness. Maybe Sudoku was invented to teach us to be wise. That we must do our things right and flawless from the start, so that we won't have to restart with those shameful marks of mistakes. Sudoku and real life may be similar in some ways, the only difference is that in Sudoku, you can consult the last few pages for cheats if you think you can't solve the puzzle. But in real life, there are no such things like cheats. You can never give up no matter how badly trapped you are in a dead end. The only option available is to keep going on.

I can't remember when was the last time I cried for a guy. It's been months since I decided to forget about searching for someone to love me, and I'm feeling so proud of myself that I'm doing well so far. It feels as if my heart was once through a solitary confinement in a dark room, hardly spacious and hard to breathe, then, all of a sudden there was a light and air and my heart was freed. I felt happy since, and haven't noticed I am eventually forgetting those things happened before I get to give my heart the freedom it needed.

No man, no cry. That's what I told myself the night I saw my twin crying in her bed. Apparently, she just had her heart broken. I felt for her of course, and I thought I'm so lucky that I'm not going to feel the same ever again since I've already decided to put the thought of having some romantic relationships to trash.

I know for a fact that time will come and I'm going to feel lonely. But I don't really give a damn about it. What's important is that I'm feeling happy and free right now. At least I'm having all my time for my self now since I started to free my heart from frustrations. My concerns now are focused on my own self and not on the thought of having a boyfriend which frustrates me big time.

Emo cries. I actually do that. I'd cry when it rains for I think it really is such a sad moment. I'd cry when I realize I'm being too mean to my self. I'd cry about everything. But I know that I'm not going to cry for a guy now. Only because I know that no man, no cry. Take it from me.

Ever heard of the quotation that goes like this: "One man's trash is another man's treasure".

Yes, I know that it's one of the biggest ironies of life. People can sometimes be so thoughtless enough to dump that one thing that other people actually wish they have.

"Medyo malabo yata ang mundo. Binabasura ng iba ang s'yang pinapangarap ko." That particular Parokya ni Edgar line kept playing in my mind since the day I saw that shoutout on Rein and Marvin's Friendster account. How can be she so ruthless?

I do not feel bad about it just because I feel for JC. I'ts also because I told Rein like a gazellion times to take charge of taking care of JC and asked her not to hurt his feelings. And the fact that she ignored my reminders is what makes me feel bad. It feels like as if I don't matter to her at all.

Maybe I won't let myself get so much involved in this issue anymore since I know I wouldn't have to. This is their own problem anyway. And besides, they make me feel like I'm not their friend anymore so why bother? JC ignoring me and even glared at me the last time we saw each other plus Rein giving me this ill feeling about our friendship, I mean, I'm not losing all my senses yet to fail to figure out what's going on. They're not the friends I once knew. That's what makes sense for now.

One man's trash is another man's treasure. Rein's trash is actually my treasure, but I do not plan on keeping that treasure anymore. I already learned to let go of the thought that one day I'm going to have the moment with JC. I do not wish for that anymore. I still love him but not as much as I did. This blog entry doesn't really have to have a point. I just really want to share how I feel funny that some famous quotations can actually be applied to the real life. How I wish I paid attention to my Figurative Speeches lessons in my Literature class in high school.

Why do some people hurt themselves when they feel depressed? I'm not saying that I don't do that, the truth is I actually ask this question for myself. I know it's not normal to make yourself suffer for the things that you are incapable of, like having someone love you. There were times I pierced myself just to make me feel better. Maybe to punish myself for I can't do things right. Some people might say that those who hurt themselves are freaks. But as for me, hurting yourself sometimes helps in a way or another. It must be our way of making ourselves realize that people should not always put blames on others, that sometimes we have to admit we did wrong. That's why we sometimes have to teach ourselves lessons. Hate can be a positive emotion when it forces you to make yourself better anyway.

But I know I won't go beyond piercing my own flesh. I know I am -- still -- sane enough not to think of cutting my wrists, like what other people do.

My bestfriend, Carlo (not his real name), once cut his wrist because he and his girlfriend had a fight. I realized how life could be gone in an instant, that you could have someone one moment and the next be gone forever. It showed me that depressions can actually lead to bad -- if not worse -- behaviors. Good thing he didn't died of that. But, at least he learned that there are better things in life than that stupid relationship he had.

There was that one night I caught myself staring to my reflection in the mirror. I saw myself there, piercings everywhere, hair cut very short, heavy eyeliners painted on. I pitied myself and actually cried. A real hot, uncontrollable tears streamed from my eyes. I asked my reflection, "Why do I do this to myself?". And maybe I know the answer. Maybe -- just maybe -- these piercings are reminders that I should never do the same mistakes I once made. I've learned my lessons, and because of these needles hooked on my flesh, I know I'll never forget them. And learn from them still.

I had a heart to heart talk with my sneakers last night, converse with my Converse. I told it about the reality that life has it's own middle finger. I also said that I should count my blessings instead of counting sheeps at night. I had had lots of blessings in the last few months. Great friends, lying enemies, and people I love. Some friends are turning their backs and some trying to be there. Love losts and heartaches. New emo hair. Phone. Infectious comments. New piercings. Problems. I mean, what other blessings can I ask for? Or maybe I should have to ask God for another pair of Converse so I can have some new companions.

Why do I scare people away when all I want to do is to make friends with them? Is it because of the numerous piercings? Or the red hair? The filthy attitude? Or maybe they're having problems with me, as a whole. They laugh at me 'cause they say I'm different. I laugh at them 'cause I think they're all the same. This is me, I call myself Tuesday, love me or hate me. I know people are entitled to their own opinions. But, the truth is, their opinions won't make me think any less of myself. It's me, getting better!

Say hello to the most agitating parasites on the planet. A.K.A., my YKG family. The gigantic leeches with humanoid features.

I have no idea of what level of insanity do these people posses to have you placed on a pedestal one moment and you're nothing to them the next. I'm telling you, YKG people is the kind of rabble that's going to give you the royal treatment if they need something from you and will leave you behind when they get what they want. They surely aren't the kind of mob you want to encounter.

But, to tell you the truth, I love these agitating parasites. So much as a matter of fact. I love them though they hurt me so much. Different people with different personalities. But in spite of those differences, everybody got along well with each other anyway. It wasn't hard to cope up with these people. Jaymee is always the "life of the party". She's the loud and out, you won't get bored with her. Frankie, my twin, is also one of those goofy and humorous members, she could do as a happy-go-lucky but this gal is one hell of a sentimental goddess. Rochelle is the prettiest and Del is the most gorgeous, what more can I say? Rochelle is one of the F4 girls. Camille, Kristine and Neriz are the others. Frankie calls Camille "Lil' sis", because Frankie's pseudonym is "Princess" and Camille's is "Prinsesita". Kristine is like a soul-sistah to me. We have lots in common especially with regards to our interests, boys in particular. I remember this particular night in April 2007 when she confessed to liking Rap and Ardee which was the biggest shock of my life. Rap and Ardee are my crushes, and I never thought that some other chicks would like them since I thought they are just the so-so guys. Aside from them, there are two other crushes I have. JC was an instant crush. I first saw him at Suave's birthday party and thought he's got a cute voice. I can't get him off my mind since. The other one is Red, Clint's younger brother. He's just undoubtedly handsome but I think we could be more effective with being just friends. And the most promising YKG love interest I had, Del. Nobody knew how madly in love I was with him except Frankie and Rochelle. But up to this moment, I ain't got a chance to talk to him. I wonder if he even knows my name.

The YKG sub-groups, these were the issue makers. Aside from the F4 girls, there was the Adams Family, but I don't know who the members were. Anyways, there also was the Tropy Boys (and Girls), Jerick, Kuya Jerome, Danriel, JC, Villy, Del, Tam and others. And of course, the most controversial and the most influential group, (drum rolls) Putok (that's us!). Frankie, JC, Yza, Jaymee, Darmy, Rein, Villy, Red and me. The Putok of YKG, the love of my life.

It was a great amount they gave me and my twin, Frankie, when they picked us as the official choreographers of the theater. We had lots of fun doing routines and choreographing them. But I never thought they were having problems with our being the choreographers. I always thought they loved how we improvised dance steps. Maybe I was just expecting too much. It turned out, they do not really like the way we do choreography's so our "Magkaugnay" routines were omitted from the Cultural Night program, which of course, hurt me so much. What hurts the most is that they put the dance number to trash without even consulting us, the official choreographers, or at least thought of what we're going to feel about it. They've been so thoughtless enough to run over my feelings and got me badly hurt.

I know I will never forget my YKG memories for the rest of my life. It doesn't really matter how badly hurt they got me feeling. I know I'll cherish those moments when we passed on some funny pictures to each other's mobiles via bluetooth. And the childish games we had which we refer to as "sports fest". And the way the audio ruined the first major play. And me, getting Camille bursting to tears. And the YKG Dance Troupe performance at the concert. And those billiards-slash-movie nights of Tropy. And the vacation we had in Pampanga. And the books Yza, Arie, MC and Frankie shared and talked about with me. And the 15-links of a single SMS. And the many people greeted me on my birthday. And the brownies we always had for for snack. And the over sized sunglasses. And the funny costumes. And the seemingly unending rehearsals. And the exhaustion. And Suave's birthday party. And the letter I gave Rochelle. And the things I wish I did not said. And the sleepless nights. And the hurt feelings. And the love stories. And the comedies and dramas. And the backstage actions. The lights. The sounds. The applause. The cheers. And just being a part of the family.

They might have hurt my feelings but I still want to thank them all.

To my YKG family: Aaron, Ardee, Arie, Brylle, Camille, Carlo, Kuya Ceejay, Clint, Danriel, Darmy, Del, Kuya Don-don, Eisen, Frankie, Grace, Greene, Irene, Direk Jason, Jaymee, JC, Jeff, Jerick, Kuya Jerome, Joan, Joyce, Kristine, Ate Maan, MC, Kuya Mike, Moises, Neriz, Paul, Rap, Ate Rechelle, Red, Rein, Ren, Rochelle, Suave, Tam, Villy, Ate Whilssy and Yza.

I'm gonna miss you guys!

Masaya na 'ko sa sitwasyon namin ngayon. Napakasarap isipin na naging magkakaibigan parin kaming tatlo nila JC, Rein at ako, pagkatapos ng mga nangyari. Alam ko na napaka-laki ng nagawa kong kasalanan sa kanila. At hidi ko maiwasang mahiya dahil kahit gano'n, tinanggap parin nila ako bilang kaibigan.

Alam ko na naging makasarili ako nu'ng ipilit ko ang sarili ko sa isang bagay na alam ko naman na hindi tama at walang patutunguhan. Nasaktan na 'ko, pero ang totoo, balewala lang ang lahat ng sakit na 'yon dahil naisip kong mas mabuti pa'ng ako nalang ang nasaktan kaysa makita ko silang naaapektuhan. Sana naisip ko na noon kung ano ang mararamdaman ni Rein, bago pa ako gumawa ng isang hakbang na sa mga oras na ito ay pinagsisisihan ko na. Sana hindi na ako nagtapat kay JC para wala na akong pagkakamaling dapat kong ituwid, isang malaking katangahan. hindi ako dapat nagpadalos-dalos at nagpadala sa totoong damdamin ko para wala na akong salitang dapat bawiin.

Talagang nasa huli ang pagsisisi. Hindi mo malalaman na nagkamali ka hangga't hindi mo napapansin na unti-unting nawawala na nag mga mahal mo sa'yo. Hindi ka rin matututo hangga't hindi ka nasasaktan. Parang nu'ng tinuturuan ako ni Papa na mag-bisikleta nu'ng bata pa 'ko. Sinabi n'ya na hindi ka matututong mag-maneho ng bisikleta hangga't hindi ka nagagalusan. Gano'n din pala sa totoong buhay. Kailangan mo munang madapa at masugatan para matuto kang bumangon at maging matatag para 'wag kang madapang muli. At sa pagkakataong ito, natutuhan mo na'ng umiwas sa pagkakamali.

Napaka-s'werte ko sa mga kaibigan ko. Kasi kahit na masyadong malaking problema ang dinala ko, binigyan nila ako ng pagkakataong bumawi.Hindi man ako gano'n kas'werte sa pag-ibig, napaka-s'werte ko naman sa kaibigan. Hindi na bale sa akin kung nasasaktan man ako, ang importante ay maprotektahan ko sila. Lalo na ngayon na naisip ko nana minsan, may mga bagay na mas mabuting hindi nalang sabihin para makaiwas sa malaking gulo. Katulad ng totoong nararamdaman, mas mabuting itago nalang sa sarili ko, makita ko lang na masaya yu'ng mga kaibigan ko.

The time is ticking. Every single day just passes by in a flash. You get out of the bed in the morning, you go to the bathroom to wash your face and when you get out, it's already bedtime.It feels like everyday's in fast-forward. I take drags on my Marlboro each night in frustration, because I know that Holloween is fast approaching. Holloween, the day I wish could be way too far ahead from today. The occasion I am least waiting for this year.

"What's up with Holloween?", you mught ask. It's the occasion I usually prepare for aside from my birthday and Christmas. And I actually had my costume made last August just in case someone give me invites for costume parties. I'll be wearing a gothic outfit and a pair of black wings. I'll have my hair curled and my feet bare. My lips will be painted with blood-red lipstick and my eyes will have black eyeshaddows and heavy eyeliners. I'm going to call it the "Solitary Angel Look". But, the truth is, I am hardly excited for Holloween this particular year. And if only there's a possible way, I'd have it canceled for 2007 or at least have it postponed.

My bestfriend, Jeff Mariano, always knew how desperate I am to find a new partner. "Do you plan on having a new boyfriend? It's been six months since you broke-up with Lenard.", I remember him ask on the night of my birthday. I confessed I am having hard time looking for one, and that I am starting to lose hope. He told me I don't actually have to look for the right guy, he said all I have to do is to wait for the right time. But I thought I had been waiting all my life, and I am getting old. I told him I am running out of patience, that I can't wait any longer, that I am giving up. But he's been too eager to insist that it's not too late, so I gave in. Only, in one condition. I set a deadline searching for a guy to replace my ex-boyfriend, and the deadline is the Holloween of 2007. And so it was a deal.

Time flew by so quickly. Days passed, turned into weeks, and weeks turned to months. It's September all of a sudden. Next month's the deadline, and I still ain't got a new guy. I know I'm going to be so dead. Holloween feels like the end of the world for me. Tuesday's doomsday. The Alpha of my Omega.

The time continues to tick and it won't get to a halt. I'm running out of time. Now I know how Cinderella felt like having a curfew. Cinderella had to go home before midnight and I have to find my prince charming before Holloween. Because if not, Cinderella will transform into a poor girl all over again and I will be "The Solitary Angel" forever.

If there's one friend who stands out of all the bunch of friends I have, I'd say it's Rein. She ain't my BFF, but She's the most special friend I have.

Being my twin's bestfriend, or "charm" like how they call each other, I once had an ill feeling for her just because I thought she's going to take away my twin from me. I used to find myself feeling jealous whenever Rein and Frankie, my twin, are together. But I soon realized that maybe, Rein's the one who's going to take charge of looking after Frankie when I can't be there. So I learned to just be happy for them both. And, thankfully, my efforts paid off. She's doing a good job performing the role of Frankie's BFF and I couldn't ask for more.

I can't help but to feel guilty for the things I did to hurt Rein. I hurt her big time. I know I run over her feelings when I confessed about being in love with JC, her boyfriend. And the fact that she didn't argued and just understood makes me feel blameworthy. I know I had been so stupid to hurt her more when I sent JC that stupid message on Friendster last month. And now, I really feel ashamed for having her mortified again, and for taking advantage of her being so much understanding. I want to disapparate whenever she's around. I want to break into tears everytime she calls me "tol", because I know I'm not worthy of that. Everytime she smiles at me, I would have the need of a huge amount of courage to smile back because I think she's not worthy of a smile from a back-stabbing bitch like me.

I know I'm giving her a hard time. So I asked her to just avoid me for I think it's what I deserve. But I want us to keep our friendship forever, even if I'm being too ambitious to want it. I want to tell her that I really am sorry and that I promise I'll never hurt her again.

I know that we're gonna be fine. And that the tattooed mistakes all could fade eventually. But things'll never be the same. I can put back all the pieces, they just might not fit the same. Our friendship's future is uncertain. But I promise, tol, I'll do everything just to win our friendship back. When that time comes, I'll do my best to be your perfect friend. Maybe not perfect in it's truest sense, just perfect for you at least.

I'm getting more and more bothered everyday. I'm afraid of this feeling. I'm afraid of the uncertainties that lies ahead of me. This feeling, the one I'm having since the first time I met him, is the same feeling that makes me want to go on. To keep holding on. He's my inspiration. But he wouldn't give a damn. I don't expect something in return, I suppose he's aware of that. All I just want is for him -- and for the people around us -- to let me stay in this way. I mean, I already contented myself with the thought of being just a friend only because that's what he wants and who am I to complain, right? What he don't know is that I am still wanting him so bad. I love him. So much as a matter of fact. And I know that no one needs him more than I do. I'd bet the farm, not even the girlfriend. I mean, why would I cry every night if I don't want him beside me? Why is it that my idea of heaven is being with him if I believe we're better off as friends?

Maybe it's true that I'm deep. Too unfathomable to get ignored. Am I misleading people from my true feelings just because I don't tell them I'm dying inside? The truth of the matter is, I want to scream at the top of my lungs to let them know what's inside of me. That if they yank away my hair and peel-off my clothes, nothing would be left of me. My heart is so isolated since the last nine months. And I never had someone to occupy that emptiness since. But that's just fine, as long as he's going to say he'll be there in the of my dreams. Or am I just letting myself hope for the hardly anticipated again and get gurt once more in the end. But as for me, he can keep on hurting me and I'll keep loving him in exchange. For, after all, I just told him I love him. And never did I asked himto love me back.

Cue: Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! At the Disco

If it is true that the violin is the most perfect of musical instruments, then loving the guy is the violin of my thoughts. It may not be perfect in it's truest sense, at least it feels perfect for me.

Such a lovely statement to say for an intro. Who would've thought I am in the middle of a huge dilemma right at this very moment. Never in my whole, damned life had I envisioned myself having this strong feeling for a guy. And did I forgot to tell you that I have to pretend that I don't feel that way anymore? -- Let us all groan!

People who think all sensations reach us through our brains may have forgotten that my whole body is alive and that includes my heart. I have feelings too, I guess I ought to let you know. I smile, that's true, but sometimes I have to force a smile just to please everybody. Because behind those smiles are pieces of a broken heart inside. Those fake smiles, my other means of telling a lie, are most reliable especially in the condition around me. Don't get me wrong, those lies are what I refer to as "white lies". I lie so I can't hurt others, but my own self. Maybe I lie an awful lot, I even get to fool myself.

OK. I do not plan on telling everybody about this lie I'm having. Not the ones I might run-over the feelings with, at least. I know they wouldn't want to discover such secrets. It's better to be hurt myself than to get those people hurt because of my foolishness. So I take the tears. As I lay in my bed at night, I would weep as I hope few people have to weep. I would feel damned, I would imagine I should die before morning, and the thought would comfort me.

There are times I feel obsessed. I even snatched some of his new photos posted on his Friendster and I plan on having them printed so I can keep them inside my wallet. I also kept the wrapper of the candy he gave me before, inside my memory-box. It was the first thing he gave me. I mean, he gave me this necklace which I didn't wore-off since he let me have it, but I had to give him my Zero trucker cap in exchange. So I consider the candy the first thing he gave. He said, Geek in the Pink by Jason Mraz is his song for meand I liked the song since. And now I'm thinking I'm going to be a stalker any moment now. There are days when the attention I must not give breaks my spirit, and the thought that I must spend my time in solitude, while in the world with those people I have to deal with, makes me rebellious; but I know I'll soon recover my grip and just laugh the discontent out of my heart. For, after all, everyone who wishes to gain true love must climb the Hill Difficulty alone, and since there is no royal road to the summit, I must zigzag it in my own way. I'llslip back many times, I'll fall, I'll stand still, I'll run against hidden obstacles, I'll lose my temper and find it again and keep it better, I'll trudge on, I'll gain a little, I'll feel couraged, I'll get more eager and climb higher and will begin to see the widening horizon. Every struggle will be a victory. One more effort and I know I'll find true love. But in the meantime, I'll just keep on waiting. I'll keep on lying, although I find it really exhausting. Lying sucks! Maybe Panic! At the Disco got the wrong impression about it after all.

I fly across worlds in full solitude with my huge, black wings. I, the loneliest person I know.

I don't know if it's just me or I'm really solitary. I have friends, a bunch of them as a matter of fact. But looking at them that particular night made me realize they're strangers. They weren't the ones I knew. Rhein had changed. And JC. And Frankie. They wear the same faces but everything's changed. They won't listen now like they used to.They say things I can't understand -- not that they had been talking in alien languages, there were just those things I found difficult to comprehend with.

It's ridiculous to distrust them. And it sucks that I'm giving them the cold shoulder. Maybe I just got used to being special. That they always listened when I told them things. That they got worried when I weeped. So from now on, I decided not to tell them things and not to cry so that no one can ever accuse me of being special again.

Rhein always say I am deep. But in reality, I'm shallow. Too shallow to think this way. To act immature. To be stubborn.

JC always say he's always amused by my ways. But I don't need any of those amusements now. What I need is the 'them' before. The people I knew. The unchanged 'them'.

Frankie always make me feel lucky. We're inseparable. And it's a shame to put them to a test like this. I thought they're going to miss me if I keep my distance from them. But it worked the other way around. Vise-versa that is! I'm missing them lot instead.

I flew away with my huge, black wings in full solitude. Admiring those shiny feathers I have. Frankie, JC and Rhein. Maybe it's justreally me after all. Maybe I ain't the solitary angel I thought I am.