Big Change (All Apologies)

"Everybody deserves a second chance." A cliche that's been used over and over. And sometimes people abuse it, using to segue for an escape from the things done wrong. So they can make others think they are cahnging for the better. So the stupid mistakes once made be forgotten gradually. But what if we unintentionally make more mistakes again? Is there such thing like third chances? And fourth? And fifth?

I know I was being mean when I called YKG the hostile horde. I find it difficult to explain just to save my ass out of the weight of the guilt caused by their unfriendly reactions. Thank God for that "hostile horde" thing is over. Thank God for second chances.

So YKG gave me that second chance people think everybody deserves. And I really want to thank them all for that. I exerted extra efforts to get more involved with the group just to prove to them how I really want to be part of the horde again. I was surprised when Ate Whilssy thanked me at the cocktail party. She said she appreciated my efforts and that she's glad I'm back. My heart sank and I almost cried. I felt I was being stupid all along thinking that YKG's a hostile horde. I wanted to say sorry right then and there but I can't bring myself doing so (maybe it was my pride). I wanted to say hoe I want to change for the better, so I can get more involved in good causes. I felt hot in the eyes and even before tears fill up, I kept my cool in spite of myself. I managed to bid my goodnight to everyone -- at least the ones within my sight. I really wanted to stay for the night but I thought I must take things slowly so I decided not to spend much time with them for a while or they're going to think I'm being a bitch hanging around when I did shameful things before. Besides it is not too late and there's still some other time. Eventuality isn't instant after all.

"People can't go hurting people and say sorry to wash away the shit. Heaven don't want people like that." I heard that from the movie I'm watching now (it's called "Black Snake Moan"). And I found myself nodding at the statement. You must only say you're sorry when you mean it (that's what I always tell to Lester too), not because you just feel the need to. we can fool others by pretending we're sincere about our apologies but we can't fool ourselves in any way.

I want them to know I didn't mean it calling them the hostile horde. If they can only read that particular blog entry, they'll see what I'm trying to say since the time the blog entry was published in the net. But though I know I didn't mean them harm, I still feel I owe them apologies. Things just got misinterpreted and misunderstood. And if they're going to say I'm forgiven, then it's going to be a relief.

It is never easy to change, but it is always best to change for the better. Sure stains will remain but by proving people you are sincerely changing will make difference. Not only to your image but also to the way people interacts with you. People may not buy the thought that a Tuesday Sucgang preaches about this kind of thing, but I hope they could at least buy what I mean when I say "change for the better."