It's My 103 Dilemmas All Over Again

Eight months. I thought everything's changed. I had life of my own since and accepted that things will never be the same ever again. I loved the life I lived without him inside my conciousness. It was almost perfect. I felt as if I can breathe the air of contentment. I fell in love with another guy which I can say is true love. I don t know if it's the same thing I felt for JC before, but at least it made me get what I never got when I was trying to win his heart.

I know it's a shame to say that I'm falling for JC again. Or did I ever lost that feeling I had? I know I had been having so much fun with another guy while I was in the process of forgetting him, but did I forgot about him? Did I let the feelings go? The only thing I am certain about is that I tried.

I hate to see him with those cuts on his wrist. Worse, I hate the reason for those wounds. Rhein promised me she's going to take care of JC. But she broke her promise. Now, JC is in his saddest and I hate to see him cry. His tears crushes my heart. I don't want to talk to him for I know I'll start crying with him if he do. And if I do that, I know he'll ask.

I know I still have the shitty feeling for JC. But I'm not going to tell to anyone. I don't want the world to know I'm dying inside because of JC's tears and wounds, because I feel for him. It's a shame if I'm going to wear my mask off and tell theworld I still love JC, because I know the world won't understand.

Pain Is My Relief

I cut my wrist an hour ago and I wrote "EMOK" on it. Raymark would probably be mad about it as he already warned me not to do it. But I am being so disobidient to him and I still did. Now I have his nickname burning like fire on my flesh and I can't get myself to sleep because of the pain it causes. But this pain is my relief. It made me feel as if I at least lessen my depressions. I mean, I did cry while I was cutting myself but seeing blood rushing out from it plus the searing pain made me feel my mortality. I was so overwhelmed to see blood. It's all red and nice. The sight of that razor blade has always been appealing for me in the last 4 days. And now I finally had the chance to slide it between my flesh. It's still hurting now. And still makes it hard for me to get some sleep. The "E" part is the most painful thought the "K" is the deepest. I wonder why is that so?

I also wrote "103" at the back of my palm. But this one's less painful yet it still make it hard for me to sleep since I can't put my hand down just that or the wound would stick to the sheet which can make it sore with greater pain. I wonder how Raymark is going to react if I tell him that I did the last thing on earth he wants me to do. He told me the other night he's going to ignore me forever if I do, so, I guess I'm not going to tell him for now. And only when he sees these, that's also when he's going to know. Geez! What am I gonna do when it happens?