"What things should I tell Ralph Jhonel to make him transform back to his old self?" I found my self asking to Frankie out of nowhere. "I already tried everything."

That's true. I tried everything I could just to win our friendship back, but nothing really worked. I text, tried to call, sent a letter, but the distance between us won't get any closer. It's really frustrating. It's killing me.

I can't really think of a possible reason why he's doing this to me. That's what makes it more frustrating and harder to make amends. How can I ever make things right if I don't even know what went wrong in the first place? You don't have an idea how hard it is for me to try to analyze the previous events Ralph Jhonel and I went through just to extract anything that could possibly trigger to this current situation. Did I get him upset? Did I say -- or do -- something wrong? I really don't know.

I so badly want to initiate reconciliation, but how can I do so if he won't even give a damn about me? I'm not sure he's going to refuse to reconcile with me. It's not that my self-esteem is low, it's just that Ralph Jhonel has never been like this to me before. He must be really upset to turn his back to me just that.

"He f*cking hates me!" I used to tell my self. Now I think it was a prophecy. Maybe this is my destiny; to live my life without Ralph Jhonel. To see him but can't touch. He feels so far away, and won't come any closer. Maybe this is the real "Tuesday's doomsday", the end of me -- and my dreams. Is it time to wake up from this and accept that I am doomed? He f*cking hates me, but it doesn't mean I have to forget about him. I love him. I so f*cking do. I love Ralph Jhonel so much, and that's the only thing I am holding on to.

It's like a crumpled paper that no matter how hard we try to bring it back to it's original look, it will never look the same again.


I saw Ralph Jhonel just now from afar, and man, he's as cute as ever. I really missed him big time. But I know that things aren't the same anymore between the two of us. It all started a while ago, two weeks to be exact. After the movie we were making, he suddenly transformed into a different person -- the one I can't seem to appreciate. I tried to SMS him but he just won't give a response. And by the way, I was trying to call him last night but he won't answer the call. I was totally hurt. I even cried. So I called Marnel and Jhep and asked them if they're interested to drink the night away.

It was 11PM when I met up with Jhep, Marnel came after a while. It took us an hour to finally get to drinking. Marnel and Jhep might noticed my silence, so they asked. I too realized that I wasn't talking the whole night. I was hurt, and I can't take that fact off my mind. And that might be the cause of my being quiet. I just can't accept the fact that Ralph Jhonel can take it getting me hurt this bad. I remember me saying to Frankie after the infamous attempted call to Ralph Jhonel, "How can Ralph Jhonel do this to me? I wasn't doing wrong to him to make him hate me so much." Tears falling from my eyes. Good thing that my "mga men" somehow know just how to make me feel better. We watched a pretty hilarious DVD called "Timba at Tabo", and I really had good laughs. We then watched "Megamol" after the other. I am not really a fan of Pinoy movies, but I found my self smiling for the first time that night. I wondered how would the night be if Ralph Jhonel was around. It could've been more than that. But at the back of my mind, I'm not sure we're going to act normal in the presence of each other. I'm afraid of it to happen to us, I really am. But I just can't do something to avoid that. It's hard to try when he himself won't try too. I don't want to force my self to him. I don't want to make it seem as if this friendship is falling -- though it's somehow a reality, and I really feel bad. The thing is, I don't want to make it obvious so that it won't be hard for the both of us to patch things up.

He texted me this morning, explaining on how he missed the infamous call I was trying to make last night -- as if I was asking for his explanation. He said that he was in bed and already asleep when I was calling. Yeah right! How can it be possible that his mobile was ringing at the first few attempts, then turned off after a while, then on again and he was sleeping? OK. Maybe I'm just being too paranoid. Maybe his mobile has a life of it's own.

My baby sister Shawnee and I misses Ralph Jhonel so much. Shawnee always go inside my room and ask for "Putkie" (that`s what she calls Ralph Jhonel). And I`ll find my self telling her things like, "Putkie won`t come here that often anymore." and "I`m missing him too." It feels as if I am a mother talking to her child, explaining that her Daddy is away somewhere for work. And that`s exactly what it feels like actually. And things can`t be more nostalgic, I miss Ralph Jhonel even more whenever I get inside my Dad`s house for we spent the last one month almost living there. Now it feels like our own.

January 30, 2009

I fail to see Ralph Jhonel in ages and I`m starting to miss him terribly. It`s been a week since we finished the film we were making and we didn`t find time to see each other since. But thank God I saw him the other day. It doesn`t matter if he noticed me or not, what matters is that I got a dose of him.

I thought Ralph Jhonel and I won't get any closer since November 29th of 2008. I can still remember how it felt like being dumped by someone you can't do without. We gained distance for quite a while, and man, it was terrible. I'd find myself crying at night over the song "Right Here Waiting" with the company of Marlboro and cups of coffee. The nights felt like forever, and I was totally lethargic. I even thought of cutting my wrist to spell out "PHOTSKIE", and thought it can be a perfect way of getting his attention. But even before handing that razor blade, I felt pathetic as hell. So I decided to just go on with my life and let whatever happens happen.

Christmas break was a blast. I finally got the chance to talk to Ralph Jhonel via my brand new Motorola (courtesy of my Ate Shishi). Ralph Jhonel told me he's spending his Christmas break doing a school project. He needs to make a movie of any story and I can tell he's having a hard time. So I offered help. But he didn't seek that help at first. I thought maybe he just don't want to get me involved with anything he do as he don't want to do anything with me. But I was wrong, he asked if I can help him the next day. And I didn't hesitate.

I suggested my own storyline and thank God he loves it. We planned right away. I spent hours and sleepless nights writing the script. We planned on the castings and locations and everything that's needed. So everything's set. We're ready to shoot.

Lights... Camera... Action!

It's a dream-come-true for me to work behind the cameras. It is a dream-come-true for me to spend more time with Ralph Jhonel as well. This could be a perfect chance for me to make the most out of the remaining times with him. I only have a little time to be with him as the summer fast approaches. It feels like i must hurry things up in making as much memorable moments as I can, so he won't forget about me when he go to college. But the more I try, the more I get sad. Because no matter how many memories I make, he will still be away in the end.

But don't get me wrong, I am happy for him. Not happy that he's going away, happy that he's going to pursue his dreams. I always try to be supportive to him, especially if it concerns his studies. Though sometimes I feel like I'm getting my self too much involved. I just want to be with him. I know he understands.

The story where Ralph Jhonel and I are the lead characters is not as wonderful as the stories in some movies. What matters is that we somehow made our real-life love story. There's no need for a happy ending at all. Because for me, I don't want this story to end.

Life is like a movie. Only, there are no cameras involved. You are the director of your own movie, it's all up to you how you like the story to flow. The script is your own words. You must be careful for there are no retakes when you mess up with things. And above all, not all love stories end up with "happily ever after".

Cut!

So I walked out that door without saying goodbye
Tears falling down my face ‘coz I saw you cry
“Thanks for everything!” was all I managed to say
Run as fast as I could, I wanted to get away

I sat on the sidewalk and I asked myself why
I did everything for you, or at the very least I tried
But maybe, just maybe, there are reasons really
That in spite of the sweet things you can never like me

My hair never looks as lovely as your girlfriend’s do
My smile is not perfect, and my words aren’t always true
My heart always seem to find a way to be miserably broken
My body’s not in shape, and I’m far too outspoken

My eyes are awkwardly uneven, my shoes are never clean
Someone told me I wasn’t good enough, now I fear I know what he means
I was always confident but it’s hard to be when you’re low
No one’s ever gonna love me, this one I’m sure I know

I get myself in troubles, and I always fight a lot
I got a tattoo for free, look what a mess I’ve got
I drink ‘till I’m wasted, you even had to carry me home once
People call me a poser especially when they know that I dance

I may not have the Pantene hair; I may not afford to buy clothes at Mango
I do have piercings around my face and cut my wrists and say I’m emo
My sneakers may be a pair of filthy fake Converse
I’m the only one who’s gonna love you even if the world spins in reverse

One guy and a promise of a hundred forevers
Three months of keeping this emotion in silence
Sudden heart break, depressions, cold shoulders like we’re strangers
A matter of a moment, I can’t do without his presence

Friendship was offered without a single word spoken
Left me with no choice for it’s the only way we’re better
I accepted this fact with my arms wide open
But deep down my shallow soul I wish to die before November

I tried to forget him but the hell it was crucial
It’s the courageous thing ever to do in my lifetime
But what a surprise, I did it though it’s sentimental
Congratulate me; I was brave and mature for the first time

Now I think I did wrong, I shouldn’t let that happen
99 forevers is what’s left of me to hold on to
I wish I didn’t waste that one round that’s taken
Thoughtlessness causes stupid things a fool like me will do

I’m sorry I tried to forget ‘bout my only happiness
I only tried to be brave; I never thought I was immature
But the more I try to forget, the more it finds it’s way into my consciousness
So I guess it was wrong to pretend I never cared

Can you help me take care of the time that’s left?
Let’s keep the promise with us, let’s celebrate it together
I want these remaining times, these 99 forevers
To be most special from it’s start ‘till it’s over

“Come one, come all!” the announcer’s voice called
And people crowded up, from young ones to old
Everybody sits in silence, nobody said a word
All eyes were on the stage as the curtains rolled

Out of the dim lights you appeared, I met you at last
I don’t believe in magic, just came to see if I must
You started the show and my heart beats fast
I knew it was love not a mania nor lust

I fell in love in an instant, and it’s as if by some spell
But my heart is no liar; only truth is what it tells
No tricks has ever done, it just so happened that I fell
But this heart you broke to pieces, like a brittle piece of shell

Soon the grand finale came, you were about to disappear
I cried for there’s nothing I can do to keep you near
The box where you entered closed, made me shiver with great fear
For I know you’re no longer there, and you’ll never ever appear

Were you really within my reach or were you just an illusion?
Is there any hocus-pocus to perform to get you back within my vision?
Should I sell my soul to demons in exchange for my ambition?
That one day you’ll be mine for eternity and I’ll never live in desolation

Reality bites and it bites with great pain
And truth hurts so bad, even leaves a shameful stain
Loving you is like a gun I have to pull to my head
Puncturing my temple, bleed profusely ‘till I’m dead

Heaven is now calling; it is just one breath away
Just a thought I am having, will I meet you there anyway?
How will you recognize my face, would you even know my name?
Or do angels forget being mortal, then everything won’t be the same?

Now I have to get going, and as life run out so fast
Eyes are shutting slowly; I’m feeling free at last
Lying on this tiled floor, I smile for I’m glad I’m going
God knows I am tired, and to die I am willing

A better place that is where I must be going
“Thanks for everything” are the last words I am saying
My soul will be gone but don’t cry for me
All my pains will be lost and I’ll be leaving peacefully

I hope you can make it on the day of my funeral
To pray for my forgiveness and for my peace to be eternal
And this I promise, I’ll be watching you from heaven
Never feel alone, because I’ll still be here when you’re broken

So there we were, we stared at each other's faces in silence for what felt like millenniums. Motionless, I stared in your eyes and I guess you were also staring in mine. And even without saying a word, I knew right then and there what you were struggling to say. Perhaps your thoughts were reflected in your eyes that made it obvious as if they were written there. I felt hot in the eyes and without a warning, tears started to fill-in, streamed down my face and they won't come to a halt. "What now?" I said for the millionth time, this time with a fake smile, yet you didn't answered. I thought I saw you cried but you bowed your head and didn't show your face again. I waited. Crying. Frustrated. Hoping. Just a single word is all I was asking, any word would've done. But the answer was clear. Truth hurts. Reality bites. You wanted me to go.

I wanted to beg, but there's no sense at all. Three months, I know, is enough. I learned a lot of things from you and I hope you learned from me as well.

I only hope those origami's actually work, so that I won't forget about you and you won't forget me too.

I may not be the perfect friend for you, at least I tried to be.

Thanks for making me happy in the last three months. I will never forget you in my life.

I'm going to miss the way I call you, that name a lot of people called you too and made me jealous.

I want you to know that I'm glad you liked my gifts, though I got hurt when you misplaced the first origami.

I'm really sorry I didn't realized you wouldn't like that bicycle sticker, but you still sticked it on your school ID so thanks anyway.

I know I'll always have a good laugh every time I'll remember that foot-rag I washed myself for you.

I'm going to miss calling you on your mobile, that's my favorite part of the last three months.

Thanks for telling me the truth. I mean, you didn't actually told me a thing, at least you made me feel.

Thanks for accepting the Shemagh I gave you, I want you to wear it sometimes but it's really up to you.

Thanks for listening while I spill my heart out that night. Thanks for understanding the words I said.

Thanks for keeping your mouth shut, it could be worse if you talked and lied.

Maybe it was just my imagination but I felt your hand tried to hold me when I turned away, I'm sorry I didn't looked back.

And Photskie, for the last time, thanks for everything.