Can you tell me how life is like without me?

I guess it's just the same. The same typical life you are used to live everyday. You still smile. You still sleep at night, and wake up in the morning and do a lot of things until it's time for bed again. I know you still listen to that song I can't stand to listen to anymore. The song that used to make me smile each time I hear. Do you know how I was so addicted to that song ever since you came into my life? That song my friends had had enough of hearing as I always play it on my mobile's MP3 player. But now, it's the last thing I'd listen to. So that I can make it easy for my self to finally forget you. It's what you want me to do, isn't it?

Life without me might be the easiest for you. Maybe even be the most peaceful you can ever live. I'm sure you've never even noticed I've left. Nor, at least, felt I was there in the last four months. You only see me as your life's biggest joke, and now it's time you take your life seriously so you turn you back just that.

Life without me might also be the happiest for you. You might even think of not knowing me at all. You ought to know you can start forgetting about me any time you wish to. Or maybe you wished it the first time we met. Why did you have to pretend I was part of your life? I mean, you could just told me to leave right then and there. But making me believe that I was part of your seemingly perfect life just made me feel frustrated.

I am frustrated for the should have, would have and could have's of this saga where you and I are the lead characters. But the story should end even before it starts. I sit here in the corner as the curtain rolls to close, hiding all these tears you don't even want to see.

I wonder what you do right now. Do my name ever cross your mind? I hope you know that my world stopped spinning the moment I told you we must forget about each other. That's the most shitty thing I've ever said in my life. But I know that's the most wonderful thing for you.

Your world continues to spin and I am praying I can catch up on it's revolution. So I can be there when you grow older. So I can be there to watch you on stage when you are already a rockstar. So I can be there to catch you when your world loses it's path to it's axis. So I can be there to say sorry for the things I've done.

Can you tell me how Raymark's life is like without me? Maybe it's your idea of heaven. But Tuesday's life without you is what's going to bring me to heaven. With all those precious memories of course. I'm going to meet you there someday, somehow. I wonder if you're going to recognize me. I wonder if I'm going to feel you when I touch your face. Are you going to give me a smile? A thing I never had from you. Am I going to remember the feeling I am feeling right now? Are you going to wipe my tears? Will I ever feel your warmth?

I know I'm going to miss you. I want to love you for the last remaining days of my life. Are you going to cry over these blood? Are you going to hug me before the warmth runs out of me? Can you wipe my tears before I close my eyes? Will you let me say your name for the last time?

Raymark. Before I breathe out my one last gasp of breath, can you tell me how your life will be like without me?

Cue: Gabi by Kikomachine

Ako na yata ang pinaka-masayahing tao na kilala ko, na sa kabila ng lahat ng malulungkot na yugto ng buhay ko, heto parin ako, nakukuha pa'ng ngumiti. Minsan iniisip ko, gano'n lang ba kadali para sa'kin na magbigay ng ngiti na wala namang saya?

Hanggang kailan ko kaya makakayang dayain yu'ng totoo kong nararamdaman? Palagi kong sinasabi sa mga taong nakaka-kilala sa'kin na hindi mahirap dayain ang nararamdaman. Ang problema lang, minsan malilito ka na kung ano ba talaga yu'ng totoo sa hindi.

Para sa'kin, pinaka-masarap parin siguro yu'ng malungkot na emosyon. Kaya nga siguro paborito ko yu'ng gabi sa lahat ng oras sa buong araw. Tahimik, malamig. Walang makakakita ng pag-tulo ng luha. Madaling maitago ang kalungkutan kapag gabi eh. Hihiga lang ako sa kama, tutunganga sa kisame, minsan makikipag-usap sa hangin. Magbubuntong-hininga, ipipikit ang mga mata. May mga pagkakataon pang nakaramay ko yu'ng blade sa pag-iisa. Ginising nya 'ko ng talim n'ya. Ipinaalala sa'kin na buhay ang katawan ko. Lumuha ng dugo yu'ng sugat kasabay ng pag-luha ng mga mata. Nagluksa ang puso. Nagdiwang ang buong katawan. Napaisip ako no'n, ano ba'ng mababago kung ipapagpatuloy ko pa yu'ng pananakit sa sarili ko? Ah basta, ang alam ko yu'ng hapdi ng sugat na 'yon ang nagpapalakas ng loob ko. Alam kong katarantaduhan, pero wala akong ibang alam na gawin. Hindi na rin mababago ang kapalaran ko.

Kung tutuusin dapat nga mas masaya ako ngayon eh. Maraming mga bagay na nakakapagpangiti sa'kin.

Katulad ng kantang tumutugtog ngayon habang sinusulat ko 'tong blog entry na 'to. Naging paborito ko na din 'to ah. Siguro, habang buhay ko nang maaalala si Raymark sa kanta na 'to. Hehehe! Kung sabagay, kahit hindi ko siguro marinig na tumugtog 'yung Kai ng Maryzark eh maaalala ko parin si Raymark tuwing makikita ko 'tong pangalan n'yang naging peklat na sa braso ko.

Si Lester, nakakatuwang isipin na naging magkaibigan kami. Kahit alam namin pareho na may ginagawa kaming mali, ang importante napapangiti n'ya 'ko.

Yung magkapatid na Vangie at Rogelio, thank you po Papa Jesus na dumating sila sa buhay ko. Sabi sa'kin ni Vangie natutuwa s'ya na sobrang close na kami. Naisip ko, oo nga ano? Dati bihira lang kami mag-usap non.

Kung susumahin, ilan pa lang 'yang mga rason para maging masaya ko. Pero bakit hindi ko parin maiwasang malungkot? May topak na nga yata ako.

Maiiwasan ko ba'ng umiyak kung ang totoo eh 'yung kantang 'yon ang naging kanta ko kay Raymark nu'ng sinaktan n'ya ko? Mapipigilan ko ba'ng malungkot kung alam kong naging magkaibigan lang kami ni Lester dahil pinagbigyan n'ya lang ako sa alam n'yang iyon ang gusto ko? Matitiis ko ba'ng hindi matakot t'wing maiisip kong aalis din si Vangie pagkatapos ng dalawang taon? Makukuha ko ba'ng ngumiti kung alam ko na hindi man lang ako kilala ni Rogelio?

Siguro hindi ako masisisi ng tao kung bakit para sa'kin eh yung kalungkutan 'yung pinakamasarap na emosyon. Wala naman akong ibang pagpipilian eh. Ito lang ang alam kong gawin. Ang malungkot, magmukmok. Makinig sa mga kanta ng Typecast o ng Kikomachine. Humarap sa salamin. Umiyak. Mag-isip. Mahiga. Tumunganga sa kisame. Pumikit. Maghintay ng bukas. Nakakasawa na. Alam kong pagdating ng bukas, ganon parin. Balik sa dati. Paulit-ulit. Parepareho. Wala nang magbabago. Sorry, bocha ako eh. Habambuhay na 'kong ganito.