Ok.Wala naman talagang saysay 'tong entry na 'to. Parang gusto ko lang isulat kung ano ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Kung ano ang tumatakbo sa magulo kong isipan. At kung ano ang nararamdaman ng makulit kong puso. Sa totoo lang napaka-hirap para sa'kin na tansyahin kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Sa t'wing susubukan kong gawin 'yon, sumasakit ang ulo ko. Siguro tinatamad 'yung buong sistema ng katawan ko para pag-aksayahan pa ng panahon na isipin lahat ng mga bagay na kaya ko namang hindi na problemahin. Pero minsan kailangan talagang malaman ng tao kung ano na ang lagay ng sarili n'ya. Para alam natin kung pa'no natin haharapin ang buhay sa sarili lang natin. Para maayos natin kung ano man 'yung mga bagay na hindi natin maintindihan. Importante nga siguro na kilala natin ang sarili natin. O sige, aalamin ko. Sino ba ako sa mga oras na 'to?

Mahirap timplahin ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Nakakalito. Hindi ko maintindihan. Masay ba 'ko o hindi? Ang sabi ng utak ko, masaya daw ako. Siguro dahil may isang tao na nagpapasaya sa'kin sa nakalipas na mga linggo. Pero bakit iba ang sinasabi ng puso ko? Bawat tibok nito, parang sinasabi na merong kulang sa buhay ko ngayon. Kung ano man 'yon, o kung sino man, pakiramdam ko nasanay ako na palagi s'yang nand'yan. Palagi kong nakikita. Palagi kong nakakasama. Tapos sa isang iglap, bigla nalang nawala. Nakakabitin. Nakakabigla.

Gusto ko rin malaman kung ano ang lagay ng puso ko. Nu'ng isang buwan lang, pakiramdam ko gusto nang sumuko nito sa pag-tibok. Nasktan ako. Alam ko ganu'n din 'yung puso ko. Pinag-bawalan ko na 'tong magmahal. Parang gusto n'ya magreklamo, 'di ko s'ya masisisi kasi 'yun ang trabaho n'ya. Dun s'ya nabubuhay. Hindi s'ya titibok kung wala s'yang mamahalin. Pero wala na 'kong magagawa kung 'di s'ya kayang mahalin ng pusong minamahal n'ya. Nakakalungkot, pero 'yun ang totoo. Kaya 'tong puso ko, mag-isa nalang. Nakaka-awa, umiiyak pero walng dapat maka-kita.

'To namang utak kong walang kasing gulo, walang ibang alam gawin kundi gawing complicated ang lahat ng bagay. Sumobra sa talino, pati tuloy sarili kong desisyon panapangunahan. Pinipilit n'yang isipin ko lahat ng masasayang bagay, kaysa magpaka-senti habang buhay. Sabi n'ya isipin ko daw 'yung tao na nakakapagpasaya sa'kin. Pati 'yung mga bagay na ginagawa ng taong 'yon. Totoo, masaya ako. Salamat sa taong nagbibigay sa'kin ng reasons para maging masaya. Siguro tama din ang utak ko kahit pa'no, kalimutan ko muna 'yung mga malulungkot na pangyayari sa buhay ko hangga't may pagkakataon pa para magpaka-saya.

Pero, nagtatalo ang puso ko at ang utak ko. Sabi ng puso ko, alam daw n'ya na magiging mas masaya 'ko du'n sa taong iniiyakan ko. Pero sabi ng utak ko, itigil ko na daw ang pag-iilusyon.

Alam ng puso ko kung ano ang makakapag-pasaya sa'kin. Alam ng utak ko na masasaktan din ako. Tanong ni utak, "'Di ka pa ba naging masaya sa mga nagdaang linggo?" Tanong naman ni puso, "Hanggang kailan naman 'yung saya na 'yon?"

Haay! Mahirap. Nakakalito. Parang sasabog ang ulo ko. Parang puputok ang dibdib ko. Hanggang ngayon nagtatalo parin sila. Pero ako, eto! Naghihintay lang kung anong mangyayari. Nag-aabang lang ng desisyon kung sino ang susundin ko. Bahala na. May tiwala naman ako sa kanila eh!

I wonder if you are also thinking of me at this very moment. Did I ever cross your mind since the last time you walked out of my door? Do you remember how tightly I had my arms around you as if I won't ever let go? That was the happiest moment of my life. My idea of heaven. The eventuality of my dreams. We stayed that way all night. We talked about your dreams and I listened carefully, afraid that I might miss a word and fail to know more about you. You kept talking and I was there, staring to your face as if to memorize every details. Your face, my favorite sight in the world. Do you have an idea how handsome you are? I stared to your eyes, and smiled for I realized it was the closest our faces has ever been. I stared still and all I can hear was your voice. I thanked God we're together. I'm so lucky to have found you.

Do you remember I told you that I love your hands? I confessed I find them small and cute. And then you raised your hand and we stared at it in all admiration for what seemed like forever. I held it in mine, and you didn't mind. I hope you know that you make me happy. You make me feel special. You're the reason why I smile involuntarily each and every so often. Do you know I love you so? Those three words I said so much, but not enough. I can never make you mine though I try. The world is against us. Those people I always thought would be happy seeing us together are the same people keeping us in such unbearable distance. They told me I should not let myself fall for you. So that's what I do as I have no choice.

I'm sorry I can't fight for you. How can I fight for someone who's never even mine? You belong to someone else, I am fully aware of that. And I know I have no rights to argue about my love for you. Those people against us ma be right all along, that everything's going to be less complicated if I keep my distance from you.

But don't think I enjoy these things. You should know it kills me inside with torture. The moment I let you off my embrace, I knew by instinct that I'm going to miss you terribly. That's the reason why I asked for another minute to hug you. Thanks for giving me that one last minute for me to have you in my arms. That was the longest 60 seconds of my life.

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... You counted every seconds with me. A memory of how I met you flashed back to me. It was the 15th of September 2007. The night was dull and then, there you were like a knight in shining armor. I knew right then and there, you were going to be special.

8... 9... 10... 11... 12... 13... 14... 15... Remember when I told you I like you? And that I don't ask for something in return. I still feel the same. But don't worry, I still won't ask you to feel the same for me.

16... 17... 18... 19... 20... 21... Do you realize how happy you make me feel whenever you call my name? Because finally, I am no stranger to you. Everytime you say my name, it makes me like my name more.

22... 23... 24... 25... 26... I have a confession to make, I secretly call you "Mine".

27... 28... 29... 30... And that I kissed your ear while you were asleep.

31... 32... 33... 34... 35... 36... I always thought I got you where I want you.

37... 38... 39... 40... Now I must let you go. I hate to do this and I know I'm going to regret this for the life of me.

41... 42... 43... I love you. I'm glad I didn't died before I met you.

44... 45... 46... 47... I'll remember your smile. And your voice. And your face, and how you look like in the morning. The way your hand fits in my hands. And that last hug that I had that night when I was wasted and you carried me and brought me home and tucked me in my bed.

48... 49... 50... 51... 52... I'll keep you in me. Don't worry about me. Don't be bothered when I cry.

53... 54... 55... 56... 57... I want you to take care of yourself. I want the best for you. I hope someday I can hug you again, if I can I will hug you the tightest and won't ever let you go.

58... 59... 60... I love you, Mine!

When I first saw Ralph, maybe it was January 2008, my first impression of him was he's such a "weirdo"! Mukha s'yang nerd nun, tapos para pa s'yang slow poke kasi ang bagal n'ya maglakad.

Until July 5 this year, nagkaron ng inuman sa bahay ko. Dumating s'ya, may dala pang mani pang-pulutan. Naisip ko, "Pumunta pa 'to eh mukang mabo-bored lang 'to dito." Pero everything went OK naman. Tapos eventualy, nag-open ako ng topic about the song "Cassie" (Flyleaf) and the real story behind it. In fairness, si Ralph lang talaga 'yung nagkaron ng sense kausap. Napaisip pa nga ako, "OMG! Thank you po Lord! Sa wakas may makakausap na 'ko tungkol sa mga trip kong topic." (He! He!). Nagulat talaga 'ko nun ng sobra kasi wala sa itsura n'ya na we actually share some common interests. Na magkakasundo pala kami sa trip.

Naalala ko tuloy 'yung pinauso n'yang linya nun night na 'yun: "Gusto ko nang mahiga sa kamang marangal!" (Ha! Ha! Ha!). Hanggang ngayon nakatatak pa sa pangalan n'ya 'yun. Wakoko!

Ayun, simula nu'n gusto ko palagi ko na s'ya kausap. Alam ni Jhepmar 'yan. Pero hindi ako gusto palging kausapin ni Ralph eh. T_T

Hehehe! Pero ansaya, s'ya lang ang nakaka-kwentuhan ko tungkol sa love interest ko, si Marnel Garcia. Tsaka s'ya lang din ang nakikinig 'pag nagdadaldal ako tungkol sa suicide songs, or sa voodoo dolls, or sa crystal ball, or sa dream catcher, or sa virtual band, or sa mga bagay na nababasa ko sa internet, or sa mga famous quotations at kung sino ang nagsabi nu'n, or sa mga mysterious smiley faces sa ceiling ng kwarto, at sa mga "mararangal" na bagay. Whew! In short, pareho kaming "weirdo". S'ya lang ang kakilala ko na nakakasundo ko sa maraming bagay. "yan si Ralph, 'yang weirdo na 'yan, astig 'yan! Forget the physical appearance 'cause this guy is actually more than meets the eye.

"O Jhonel anak! Umuwi ka na! Nag-aalala na 'ko sa'yo! -MAMA"

LOL!

"Everybody deserves a second chance." A cliche that's been used over and over. And sometimes people abuse it, using to segue for an escape from the things done wrong. So they can make others think they are cahnging for the better. So the stupid mistakes once made be forgotten gradually. But what if we unintentionally make more mistakes again? Is there such thing like third chances? And fourth? And fifth?



I know I was being mean when I called YKG the hostile horde. I find it difficult to explain just to save my ass out of the weight of the guilt caused by their unfriendly reactions. Thank God for that "hostile horde" thing is over. Thank God for second chances.



So YKG gave me that second chance people think everybody deserves. And I really want to thank them all for that. I exerted extra efforts to get more involved with the group just to prove to them how I really want to be part of the horde again. I was surprised when Ate Whilssy thanked me at the cocktail party. She said she appreciated my efforts and that she's glad I'm back. My heart sank and I almost cried. I felt I was being stupid all along thinking that YKG's a hostile horde. I wanted to say sorry right then and there but I can't bring myself doing so (maybe it was my pride). I wanted to say hoe I want to change for the better, so I can get more involved in good causes. I felt hot in the eyes and even before tears fill up, I kept my cool in spite of myself. I managed to bid my goodnight to everyone -- at least the ones within my sight. I really wanted to stay for the night but I thought I must take things slowly so I decided not to spend much time with them for a while or they're going to think I'm being a bitch hanging around when I did shameful things before. Besides it is not too late and there's still some other time. Eventuality isn't instant after all.

"People can't go hurting people and say sorry to wash away the shit. Heaven don't want people like that." I heard that from the movie I'm watching now (it's called "Black Snake Moan"). And I found myself nodding at the statement. You must only say you're sorry when you mean it (that's what I always tell to Lester too), not because you just feel the need to. we can fool others by pretending we're sincere about our apologies but we can't fool ourselves in any way.

I want them to know I didn't mean it calling them the hostile horde. If they can only read that particular blog entry, they'll see what I'm trying to say since the time the blog entry was published in the net. But though I know I didn't mean them harm, I still feel I owe them apologies. Things just got misinterpreted and misunderstood. And if they're going to say I'm forgiven, then it's going to be a relief.

It is never easy to change, but it is always best to change for the better. Sure stains will remain but by proving people you are sincerely changing will make difference. Not only to your image but also to the way people interacts with you. People may not buy the thought that a Tuesday Sucgang preaches about this kind of thing, but I hope they could at least buy what I mean when I say "change for the better."

Can you tell me how life is like without me?

I guess it's just the same. The same typical life you are used to live everyday. You still smile. You still sleep at night, and wake up in the morning and do a lot of things until it's time for bed again. I know you still listen to that song I can't stand to listen to anymore. The song that used to make me smile each time I hear. Do you know how I was so addicted to that song ever since you came into my life? That song my friends had had enough of hearing as I always play it on my mobile's MP3 player. But now, it's the last thing I'd listen to. So that I can make it easy for my self to finally forget you. It's what you want me to do, isn't it?

Life without me might be the easiest for you. Maybe even be the most peaceful you can ever live. I'm sure you've never even noticed I've left. Nor, at least, felt I was there in the last four months. You only see me as your life's biggest joke, and now it's time you take your life seriously so you turn you back just that.

Life without me might also be the happiest for you. You might even think of not knowing me at all. You ought to know you can start forgetting about me any time you wish to. Or maybe you wished it the first time we met. Why did you have to pretend I was part of your life? I mean, you could just told me to leave right then and there. But making me believe that I was part of your seemingly perfect life just made me feel frustrated.

I am frustrated for the should have, would have and could have's of this saga where you and I are the lead characters. But the story should end even before it starts. I sit here in the corner as the curtain rolls to close, hiding all these tears you don't even want to see.

I wonder what you do right now. Do my name ever cross your mind? I hope you know that my world stopped spinning the moment I told you we must forget about each other. That's the most shitty thing I've ever said in my life. But I know that's the most wonderful thing for you.

Your world continues to spin and I am praying I can catch up on it's revolution. So I can be there when you grow older. So I can be there to watch you on stage when you are already a rockstar. So I can be there to catch you when your world loses it's path to it's axis. So I can be there to say sorry for the things I've done.

Can you tell me how Raymark's life is like without me? Maybe it's your idea of heaven. But Tuesday's life without you is what's going to bring me to heaven. With all those precious memories of course. I'm going to meet you there someday, somehow. I wonder if you're going to recognize me. I wonder if I'm going to feel you when I touch your face. Are you going to give me a smile? A thing I never had from you. Am I going to remember the feeling I am feeling right now? Are you going to wipe my tears? Will I ever feel your warmth?

I know I'm going to miss you. I want to love you for the last remaining days of my life. Are you going to cry over these blood? Are you going to hug me before the warmth runs out of me? Can you wipe my tears before I close my eyes? Will you let me say your name for the last time?

Raymark. Before I breathe out my one last gasp of breath, can you tell me how your life will be like without me?

Cue: Gabi by Kikomachine

Ako na yata ang pinaka-masayahing tao na kilala ko, na sa kabila ng lahat ng malulungkot na yugto ng buhay ko, heto parin ako, nakukuha pa'ng ngumiti. Minsan iniisip ko, gano'n lang ba kadali para sa'kin na magbigay ng ngiti na wala namang saya?

Hanggang kailan ko kaya makakayang dayain yu'ng totoo kong nararamdaman? Palagi kong sinasabi sa mga taong nakaka-kilala sa'kin na hindi mahirap dayain ang nararamdaman. Ang problema lang, minsan malilito ka na kung ano ba talaga yu'ng totoo sa hindi.

Para sa'kin, pinaka-masarap parin siguro yu'ng malungkot na emosyon. Kaya nga siguro paborito ko yu'ng gabi sa lahat ng oras sa buong araw. Tahimik, malamig. Walang makakakita ng pag-tulo ng luha. Madaling maitago ang kalungkutan kapag gabi eh. Hihiga lang ako sa kama, tutunganga sa kisame, minsan makikipag-usap sa hangin. Magbubuntong-hininga, ipipikit ang mga mata. May mga pagkakataon pang nakaramay ko yu'ng blade sa pag-iisa. Ginising nya 'ko ng talim n'ya. Ipinaalala sa'kin na buhay ang katawan ko. Lumuha ng dugo yu'ng sugat kasabay ng pag-luha ng mga mata. Nagluksa ang puso. Nagdiwang ang buong katawan. Napaisip ako no'n, ano ba'ng mababago kung ipapagpatuloy ko pa yu'ng pananakit sa sarili ko? Ah basta, ang alam ko yu'ng hapdi ng sugat na 'yon ang nagpapalakas ng loob ko. Alam kong katarantaduhan, pero wala akong ibang alam na gawin. Hindi na rin mababago ang kapalaran ko.

Kung tutuusin dapat nga mas masaya ako ngayon eh. Maraming mga bagay na nakakapagpangiti sa'kin.

Katulad ng kantang tumutugtog ngayon habang sinusulat ko 'tong blog entry na 'to. Naging paborito ko na din 'to ah. Siguro, habang buhay ko nang maaalala si Raymark sa kanta na 'to. Hehehe! Kung sabagay, kahit hindi ko siguro marinig na tumugtog 'yung Kai ng Maryzark eh maaalala ko parin si Raymark tuwing makikita ko 'tong pangalan n'yang naging peklat na sa braso ko.

Si Lester, nakakatuwang isipin na naging magkaibigan kami. Kahit alam namin pareho na may ginagawa kaming mali, ang importante napapangiti n'ya 'ko.

Yung magkapatid na Vangie at Rogelio, thank you po Papa Jesus na dumating sila sa buhay ko. Sabi sa'kin ni Vangie natutuwa s'ya na sobrang close na kami. Naisip ko, oo nga ano? Dati bihira lang kami mag-usap non.

Kung susumahin, ilan pa lang 'yang mga rason para maging masaya ko. Pero bakit hindi ko parin maiwasang malungkot? May topak na nga yata ako.

Maiiwasan ko ba'ng umiyak kung ang totoo eh 'yung kantang 'yon ang naging kanta ko kay Raymark nu'ng sinaktan n'ya ko? Mapipigilan ko ba'ng malungkot kung alam kong naging magkaibigan lang kami ni Lester dahil pinagbigyan n'ya lang ako sa alam n'yang iyon ang gusto ko? Matitiis ko ba'ng hindi matakot t'wing maiisip kong aalis din si Vangie pagkatapos ng dalawang taon? Makukuha ko ba'ng ngumiti kung alam ko na hindi man lang ako kilala ni Rogelio?

Siguro hindi ako masisisi ng tao kung bakit para sa'kin eh yung kalungkutan 'yung pinakamasarap na emosyon. Wala naman akong ibang pagpipilian eh. Ito lang ang alam kong gawin. Ang malungkot, magmukmok. Makinig sa mga kanta ng Typecast o ng Kikomachine. Humarap sa salamin. Umiyak. Mag-isip. Mahiga. Tumunganga sa kisame. Pumikit. Maghintay ng bukas. Nakakasawa na. Alam kong pagdating ng bukas, ganon parin. Balik sa dati. Paulit-ulit. Parepareho. Wala nang magbabago. Sorry, bocha ako eh. Habambuhay na 'kong ganito.

People think that my twin, Frankie, is a goddess. And I am one of them. I got used of guys I'm interested with ending up confessing on liking Frankie and then courting her. It's been the scenario since the last 5 years. But I know I cannot blame my twin 'cause it's certainly not her fault. Not those guys' fault either.

I knew something's happening between her and JC even before she made the spiel. I don't know how but my instincts told me they were having something between them on the night of March 5. Or was it just because I've seen it coming? I knew they were starting to like each other and that is exactly why JC's paying visits every so often, which I'm having the impression that it's unusual of him to even bother. So I was a witness to how closer they got every single visits JC had. I can't help to feel jealous but God knows I'm happy for them. I know JC won't give a damn about me sowhat's the point of feeling jealousy anyway? If they could be happy together then I'm happy for them. I love JC, but I love Frankie too. Nothing can ever make me happy than seeing these most important people in my life happy. They can take all the smiles and I'll take the tears for them.

I missed loads of conversations with JC and Frankie lately inspite of JC's forever hanging around. JC even asks why I always have my mouth shut tighter than a clam's shell. But the truth is, I was always struggling for words. I always wanted to try to speak but what would I say? I finally had the chance to talk to him in his most recent visit but I am not positive about it. So we got the talk, but there came the point when I can't relate to Frankie and JC's conversation anymore. Ellaine... Rhein's plan... Studio and it's owner... I mean, I tried hard to make sense to those things but I failed to really comrehend. So I ended up taking drags on my Marlboro, hardly any sound made.

Maybe I should just leave them alone or I'd fail to relate to things again. After all, JC don't need me anymore -- as if he ever did. I strongly believe that JC and Frankie deserves to be happy. I will just try to forget this feelings I havefor JC. If it makes him happy, then it can't be that bad.

Eight months. I thought everything's changed. I had life of my own since and accepted that things will never be the same ever again. I loved the life I lived without him inside my conciousness. It was almost perfect. I felt as if I can breathe the air of contentment. I fell in love with another guy which I can say is true love. I don t know if it's the same thing I felt for JC before, but at least it made me get what I never got when I was trying to win his heart.

I know it's a shame to say that I'm falling for JC again. Or did I ever lost that feeling I had? I know I had been having so much fun with another guy while I was in the process of forgetting him, but did I forgot about him? Did I let the feelings go? The only thing I am certain about is that I tried.

I hate to see him with those cuts on his wrist. Worse, I hate the reason for those wounds. Rhein promised me she's going to take care of JC. But she broke her promise. Now, JC is in his saddest and I hate to see him cry. His tears crushes my heart. I don't want to talk to him for I know I'll start crying with him if he do. And if I do that, I know he'll ask.

I know I still have the shitty feeling for JC. But I'm not going to tell to anyone. I don't want the world to know I'm dying inside because of JC's tears and wounds, because I feel for him. It's a shame if I'm going to wear my mask off and tell theworld I still love JC, because I know the world won't understand.

I cut my wrist an hour ago and I wrote "EMOK" on it. Raymark would probably be mad about it as he already warned me not to do it. But I am being so disobidient to him and I still did. Now I have his nickname burning like fire on my flesh and I can't get myself to sleep because of the pain it causes. But this pain is my relief. It made me feel as if I at least lessen my depressions. I mean, I did cry while I was cutting myself but seeing blood rushing out from it plus the searing pain made me feel my mortality. I was so overwhelmed to see blood. It's all red and nice. The sight of that razor blade has always been appealing for me in the last 4 days. And now I finally had the chance to slide it between my flesh. It's still hurting now. And still makes it hard for me to get some sleep. The "E" part is the most painful thought the "K" is the deepest. I wonder why is that so?

I also wrote "103" at the back of my palm. But this one's less painful yet it still make it hard for me to sleep since I can't put my hand down just that or the wound would stick to the sheet which can make it sore with greater pain. I wonder how Raymark is going to react if I tell him that I did the last thing on earth he wants me to do. He told me the other night he's going to ignore me forever if I do, so, I guess I'm not going to tell him for now. And only when he sees these, that's also when he's going to know. Geez! What am I gonna do when it happens?

Angry and alone with nowhere left to turn

My insides heating up, my heart begins to burn

Frustration flowing through my veins

No one notices as I cry while it rains

The small glass box where I live shatters to the ground

I lie there bleeding, suffering, but no one hears a sound

The worlds continues to spin, I pray for it to end

The mask I wear fell to the ground, why bother to pretend?

A candle flickers next to me, I stare at it with doubt

And with my one last gasping breath, decide to blow it out