Pain Is My Relief

I cut my wrist an hour ago and I wrote "EMOK" on it. Raymark would probably be mad about it as he already warned me not to do it. But I am being so disobidient to him and I still did. Now I have his nickname burning like fire on my flesh and I can't get myself to sleep because of the pain it causes. But this pain is my relief. It made me feel as if I at least lessen my depressions. I mean, I did cry while I was cutting myself but seeing blood rushing out from it plus the searing pain made me feel my mortality. I was so overwhelmed to see blood. It's all red and nice. The sight of that razor blade has always been appealing for me in the last 4 days. And now I finally had the chance to slide it between my flesh. It's still hurting now. And still makes it hard for me to get some sleep. The "E" part is the most painful thought the "K" is the deepest. I wonder why is that so?

I also wrote "103" at the back of my palm. But this one's less painful yet it still make it hard for me to sleep since I can't put my hand down just that or the wound would stick to the sheet which can make it sore with greater pain. I wonder how Raymark is going to react if I tell him that I did the last thing on earth he wants me to do. He told me the other night he's going to ignore me forever if I do, so, I guess I'm not going to tell him for now. And only when he sees these, that's also when he's going to know. Geez! What am I gonna do when it happens?