Are you there Photskie? It's me, Tuesday!

September 2, 2010. 2:15am. It's almost you and I should really be sleeping, but my mind is restless and my fingers are itching to type about nothing in particular and everything in general.

I started out a descriptive letter to you. Simple and succinct.

But you know me... I could never really go for simple and succinct. I like it vague and all over the place. Hence, I deleted five paragraphs of a simple and succinct letter and I'm rewriting this again from scratch.

How've you been? I do hope that all is well. I've been busy like you as usual. The days are passing by ever so swiftly and I can't seem to keep up.

How is it being the Muyleal editor-in-chief? I ask, but I know exactly just what you would say. I'm glad you're doing great. And I really am happy for you. Sure, I wish I was as better off as you, but truly, I'm glad.

What are you doing right now? That's a stupid question. I bet you're in the comfort of your comfortable bed sleeping soundly and getting all the energy that you can get so you can have a super duper awesome day later, because I'm pretty sure that all your days are awesome, because you are awesome. Are you dreaming right now as you sleep? I wonder what your dreams are about. Just so you know, my dreams are of you.

I miss you. I really truly do. We had some pretty fun times, you and I. I wonder if we'll ever get there again in the future... I hope we do.

Why can't we just be in the same place at the same time, like, bump into each other accidentally... Like, everyday or something or other. I say that now, but I know that if that ever did happen, I wouldn't know what to do or say anyway... So I guess this is for the best.

...I guess.

I thought of you the other day when I heard the song "With or Without You" (U2 cover by Keane)... Actually, it's playing again right now and I find my self thinking of you again. I don't know why.Maybe because we're epic. Haha. But really, this song has nothing to do with us... Nor does any other song in the world.

Just a few hours ago, I decided along with the advice of my alter-ego that I should give-up on you. I realized that it's about time and it's what I have to do to finally be able to let you go.

It's been a long time coming, but what's been keeping me from leaving is what it will make me -- weak -- because it will appear as if I can't handle the tiny little emotions that my hyperactive hypothalamus is emitting. Or the pain of having to look at you devote yourself to someone else, while I as it seems am devoted to you. But I realized that it's not about being weak, it's about doing what's right now for tomorrow for me.

I want to talk to you. I really do. I feel like I could possibly make a difference if I did. Possibly, but not definitely. Or maybe this is just a lost cause and I'm just a hopeless loser fighting for something that probably doesn't exist.

But you know what? I've decided to change my mind. What's right for tomorrow will eventually straighten itself out without me having to do except sit right here waiting for you. Fate has a way of doing whatever the heck it wants to when it wants to, so I really don't have to lift a finger. It's done it before... It'll do it again.

I think just how epic it seems that I long for you knowing that what I long for could never be realized and yet, I'm still here equipped with such unwavering love for you, never asking or wanting anything in return, just loving you.

Maybe all the waiting would be for nothing. But at least in the end, if it all goes terribly wrong, I could say that hey at least I tried.

I know I've resolve to just let things go as they come. And I have succeeded I think, for the most part.

And there are many things that I've chosen to just overlook. Things that I've chosen to just let pass. But see there's this one thing I can't seem to get off my mind.

...And it's you!

I'm over-romanticizing this, I know, but at least I know the difference now between making a big deal out of nothing and downplaying a big deal into nothing.

And you Photskie, well, you're my nothing and you can take that in any way you like. But know this, nothing as you may be, I love you. In all your nothingness, I do.


it's me,
Tuesday