Yesterday, I was talking to some MACCS people through one of the many proposed org-shirt's photo comments and I joked, "Tuesday for president!". That was just a joke, OK. But really, sometimes, jokes are half-meant. I remembered how badly I wanted to run for MACCS presidency, and how badly hurt I felt that I wasn't given a chance to pursue that dream.

I was last term's freshmen representative and I knew I want to serve by heart. By the time the school year came to an end, I made up my mind. I was so equipped with lots of plans and dreams for my dear org. Needless to say, I was a hundred -- if not a thousand -- percent ready to run. And I was having good vibes about it.

And then the new school year started. Man, was I so excited. I started listing in a mental note my prospect party list members and to which position they should fall into. It was quite an easy and exciting task to pick random people within the MACCS community and decide on which's which and who's who. God knows I wasn't being biased and judgmental picking names from the awful lot in my list. And after what felt like milleniums, I managed and came up with the best party list MACCS could've ever known and voted for. But things did not go my way. Matter of fact, i loathed every minute of the elections. From the filing of COC's to the declaration of new officers.

The last thing I ever wanted to talk about was MACCS. I was totally hurt when they did not bother asking me if I wanted to run or whatever. I just suddenly got a message from my classmate, Syran, that she was a candidate for presidency and I was like, "Why in the world wasn't I informed about the elections?". I was totally unaware that the filing of COC's was on that very day.

I was really, totally hurt. There were so many things that I didn't want to think about, yet they managed to squeeze their way into my conciousness. I thought that they never really wanted me to know about the elections because they just don't want me to be leading them, maybe because I can be too dumb sometimes. I was left with no choice and the best I did was cry my self to sleep that night. If you want to know the truth, I still cry whenever the thoughts of the shoulda-woulda-couldas of that doomed presidential dream crosses my tiny mind.

I consoled my self by doing something I always love to do -- dancing. I auditioned for Below Zero and of course I made it through. I don't know if it was just me or it was MACCS people who started giving me cold shoulders since I became an official BZ dancer. I would always tell Ms. Villavicencio how sarcastic those people seem whenever they smile at me or talk to me. She'd tell me I was just being paranoid and I know now I just really was.

When I was told I was to represent MACCS in the extemporaneous speech competition, I did not argued. I thought it could be a way of contributing something good for this org this year. I may not have been the victor, at least I know now that they never really turned their backs at me at all. To be honest with you, I feel really glad now because they started talking to me again. And they actually listen. It's really nice to know that they still consider the things I say about the many proposed org'shirt. It really makes me smile. At least I still have this opportunity to contribute something for good causes. Really, there is no need for me to be their president. I honestly think it's just a label. Because the truth is we all stand in the same ground, regardless of whatever category we happen to fall into. Each one of us has the voice to speak up, and each one of us has ears to lend those who wants to be heard. MACCS is where I really belong after all, I was vindicating them all along. Not because I did not become somebody, it have to mean that I am nobody. Because in MACCS, everybody is somebody. In this family, when you speak, you will be heard. Regardless of whatever your position may be in.

September 2, 2010. 2:15am. It's almost you and I should really be sleeping, but my mind is restless and my fingers are itching to type about nothing in particular and everything in general.

I started out a descriptive letter to you. Simple and succinct.

But you know me... I could never really go for simple and succinct. I like it vague and all over the place. Hence, I deleted five paragraphs of a simple and succinct letter and I'm rewriting this again from scratch.

How've you been? I do hope that all is well. I've been busy like you as usual. The days are passing by ever so swiftly and I can't seem to keep up.

How is it being the Muyleal editor-in-chief? I ask, but I know exactly just what you would say. I'm glad you're doing great. And I really am happy for you. Sure, I wish I was as better off as you, but truly, I'm glad.

What are you doing right now? That's a stupid question. I bet you're in the comfort of your comfortable bed sleeping soundly and getting all the energy that you can get so you can have a super duper awesome day later, because I'm pretty sure that all your days are awesome, because you are awesome. Are you dreaming right now as you sleep? I wonder what your dreams are about. Just so you know, my dreams are of you.

I miss you. I really truly do. We had some pretty fun times, you and I. I wonder if we'll ever get there again in the future... I hope we do.

Why can't we just be in the same place at the same time, like, bump into each other accidentally... Like, everyday or something or other. I say that now, but I know that if that ever did happen, I wouldn't know what to do or say anyway... So I guess this is for the best.

...I guess.

I thought of you the other day when I heard the song "With or Without You" (U2 cover by Keane)... Actually, it's playing again right now and I find my self thinking of you again. I don't know why.Maybe because we're epic. Haha. But really, this song has nothing to do with us... Nor does any other song in the world.

Just a few hours ago, I decided along with the advice of my alter-ego that I should give-up on you. I realized that it's about time and it's what I have to do to finally be able to let you go.

It's been a long time coming, but what's been keeping me from leaving is what it will make me -- weak -- because it will appear as if I can't handle the tiny little emotions that my hyperactive hypothalamus is emitting. Or the pain of having to look at you devote yourself to someone else, while I as it seems am devoted to you. But I realized that it's not about being weak, it's about doing what's right now for tomorrow for me.

I want to talk to you. I really do. I feel like I could possibly make a difference if I did. Possibly, but not definitely. Or maybe this is just a lost cause and I'm just a hopeless loser fighting for something that probably doesn't exist.

But you know what? I've decided to change my mind. What's right for tomorrow will eventually straighten itself out without me having to do except sit right here waiting for you. Fate has a way of doing whatever the heck it wants to when it wants to, so I really don't have to lift a finger. It's done it before... It'll do it again.

I think just how epic it seems that I long for you knowing that what I long for could never be realized and yet, I'm still here equipped with such unwavering love for you, never asking or wanting anything in return, just loving you.

Maybe all the waiting would be for nothing. But at least in the end, if it all goes terribly wrong, I could say that hey at least I tried.

I know I've resolve to just let things go as they come. And I have succeeded I think, for the most part.

And there are many things that I've chosen to just overlook. Things that I've chosen to just let pass. But see there's this one thing I can't seem to get off my mind.

...And it's you!

I'm over-romanticizing this, I know, but at least I know the difference now between making a big deal out of nothing and downplaying a big deal into nothing.

And you Photskie, well, you're my nothing and you can take that in any way you like. But know this, nothing as you may be, I love you. In all your nothingness, I do.


it's me,
Tuesday