In my hand rests this black pen

As these silly lines comes out written
Words run back and forth my conciousness
Giving me nausea, I, a Goddess in distress

On the other, a syringe is caged by my grip
I smile at the sight of the shining needle's tip
Giant feet come stomping in my chest
It is Angels versus Demons; the battle of the mightiest

Darkness arises, the victor of the fight
It's burning flames embrace me through the night
"Do it!", someone whisper in my ear
Then I close my eyes, now are rivers of tears

I clenched my teeth for the unbearable pain
The needle passes through my flesh and I go insane
A scream wakes up the shallow soul in my system
Deafening but melodic, it's my funeral's anthem

Immidiately, the poison fluid escapes
It stings in my veins like it's leaving scrapes
My body becomes numb; I can't open my mouth
To cry for help as my life runs out

Suddenly I start to hear your voice
I want to lift up my head but I'm left with no choice
"Welcome to the jungle!" are the words that you say
Then as if in a time machine, I got back to the first day

I see all of the things the two of us went through
We talked about all the things, did not mattered if untrue
I remember how we made a million idioms about the tree
Unaware of the fact that you're going to hurt me

I confessed about my feelings after a very short while
You dumped me like a trash yet I forced to fake a smile
And now I am dying, do you know that you're the reason?
Because there is no other way that from this heartache I can move on

Back here at the present I lie here on the cold floor
I see you move away just to close and lock the door
"Welcome to the jungle!", you say again and you laugh hard
I recognize you're the one who said "Do it!" in the start

So all along you're the one; the reason why I'm dying
How did you know that this existence, to give up I am willing?
Do you remember I asked you this question earlier:
"How is it now that I still love you?", but you didn't give an answer

"10... 9... 8... 7..." He started the countdown. I've been planning for this over the weekend, and now it finally took place.

"6... 5... 4... 3... 2..." He went on.

"Stop!" I cut him just before the last number of the countdown.

Everything happened accordingly, it is everything I've planned for. But I can't seem to appreciate the fact that our friendship starts to fall apart (and to think this friendship has not even started yet). God knows it is really hard for me to bring my self there and come-up to him for a little talk. But I somehow found the guts to initiate my action. And everything else just fell into place.

This is the only way we are better. Or at least, that's the only idea that's forever coming-up in my consciousness everytime I try to analyze this f*cking problem. This is the reality. But truth always hurts, and reality really bites. And I've learned to live with the notion that I will NEVER be appreciated by anyone ever, the way I want to be appreciated. And what happened last week at Rene's was the biggest proof of it.

I was staring blankly at the white board in our Communication Skills class this morning while Mr. Guinto drags on with some subjective, objective and possessive forms of pronouns, when I heard him called my name which startled me.

"Tuesday!" Mr. Guinto's voice broke into my reverie. "Can you give me an example of sentence using the word 'he'?"

I stood up and said, "He breaks my heart.", before I even realize what I was saying.

"Very good!" My proffessor acknowledged my answer. And after some few more minutes, he called me again and said, "Give me an example of a sentence using the pronoun 'it'."

It makes me feel jealous. Those words kept repeating in my mind. It makes me feel jealous.

"It..." I started. But I found my self out of words. "It... Ahm... It makes..." It was the first time I doubted about my answer. "It makes me..." I went on.

"It makes me think." Now that was a safe thing to say, thankyouverymuch!

I sat down and thought. What is it that I am jealous about? And I realized, it was that yellow teddy I think Jefferson gave his girlfriend the other day.

I promised Ralph Jhonel that I'm never going to love anybody anymore if it isn't for him. But now, it turned out to be a lie. So as for now, I'm planning on complying to that promise. I want to keep my distance from Jefferson just to make things less complicated. I don't want to be his friend anymore because I know I'm going to give him the hardest times. I just don't want to make his life a miserable one. And the only way I know to avoid it is to leave him alone. All he have to do is to say "one", and it's official. Just the word "one" and I'd be out of the way.

July 6, 2009, around 11pm, ni'welcome ako ni Jefferson sa jungle. Excited ako, sobra! Pero bigla din akong napa'isip. Ano bang "jungle" ang pinapasok ko? Napa'smile ako sa sarili ko. Naisip kong para akong gago para isipin pa pati 'yung mga ganu'ng bagay. Pero natuwa din ako, at least gumagana pa naman 'tong utak ko. Kaya hinayaan ko na din na mag'isip ang sarili ko. Ano ba 'tong jungle na 'to? Bakit parang sobrang big deal naman yata?

•'Di kaya "college life" ang ibig sabihin ng jungle? Sobrang excited ako nu'ng nalaman ko na papasok na ulit ako sa school. Pero 'di nag'tagal, parang gusto ko na din sumuko. Sobrang demanding pala mag'aral eh. Unang linggo pa lang no'n, nagka'sakit na 'ko dahil sa stress. Pero marami din ang mga dahilan para ma'motivate ako para pag'butihin nalang ang pag'aaral ko kesa magpa'talo sa stress. Naging leader ako sa halos lahat ng groupings sa bawat subject, na'realize ko... "Hwow! Marami pala'ng nag'titiwala sa kaya kong i'offer." Napili din ako ni Ms. Bacani para maging first year representative ng organization ng Business Administration course sa school, at least may chance ako na mai'gugol ang oras ko sa mas makabuluhang bagay, kesa mag'laro nalang ng My Brute o Dinoparc mag'hapon. Kaya sa mga oras na 'to, alam ko 'di na ko tatamarin mag'arall.

•'Di kaya "meeting new friends" ang ibig sabihin ng jungle? 'Yung section ko, halo'halong pagkatao meron ang bawat isa. May valedictorian nu'ng highschool, may nag'mamatalino, may maingay, meron ding pa'emo kung magpaka'pa-deep. Nakakatawa nga eh, Natatandaan ko nu'ng nag'introduce ako ng sarili ko sa'kanila nu'ng first day ng klase, sinabi ko na "I'm a people person." Pero napaka'ironic. Wala ako'ng ka'close kahit isa sa kanila. Siguro dahil hinahanap ko sa kanila 'yung ugali ng barkada ko. Prinsesa kasi ako para sa "mga men", alagang'alaga nila 'ko, palibhasa puro sila lalaki. Sila ang superheroes ko 'pag gusto kong umiyak. Lagi naman silang to-the-rescue, bitbit ang isang bote ng vodka. Sobrang nami'miss ko na talaga sila. Nagi'guilty ako pag nag'tetext sila, lalo na si Jhepmar, tapos rereplyan ko na marami akong ginagawa. Kahit na ang totoo, 'yung mga kakalase ko nagagawa kong makipag'text buong gabi. Nakaka'lungkot ngang isipin na 'di ko na namalayan na mahaba na pala ang buhok ni Mamen (Jhep), ang huli kong natatandaan eh sinabi n'ya lang sa'ken na magpapa'haba s'ya ng buhok.

•'Di kaya "Jefferson's world" ang ibig sabihin ng jungle? Hahaha! 'Di naman siguro. Bakit naman, 'diba?! Pero natutuwa talaga 'ko sa taong 'yon. Nakaka'tuwang isipin na pinapagka'tiwalaan n'ya 'ko tungkol sa mga seryosong bagay... katulad ng tungkol sa mga puno. Hehe! Simula nga nu'ng nag'umpisa 'yung "usapang puno" na 'yon, nahuhuli ko 'yung sarili ko na napapangiti 'pag napapansin ko 'yung mga puno sa paligid. Ibang klase. Pero si Jeff, naging isa sa maraming tao na kinaka'inggitan ko. Kasi, ganu'ng klaseng tao sana ang gusto kong maging ako. Magaling s'yang kumuha ng simpat'ya ng iba, kaya sobrang dami n'yang kaibigan. Marunong s'yang lumugar, 'pag senti... senti, 'pag kwela... kwela. Bukod 'don, alam ko marami pa 'kong malalaman tungkol sa kan'ya. Pero higit sa lahat, sobrang idol ko na s'ya. Kasi nag'cocompose s'ya ng kanta para sa sariling banda n'ya. Rakenrol!

Marami pa'ng pwedeng maging ibig'sabihin 'yang jungle na 'yan. Alam ko marami pa 'kong mai'isip habang pinapag'patuloy ko lang ang buhay. Marami pang pwedeng mangyari, pwedeng masama at pwede din mabuti. Kaya lang, sa jungle, lahat handang lumaban in order to survive. E ako? Pa'no 'ko lalaban kung walang nakaka'alam ng totoo kong paka'tao? Maniniwala ba sila na iba 'yung Tuesday na akala nila na'kilala na nila? "Alter Ego", 'yan ang jungle ko. Nakaka'takot. Nakaka'ligaw. Madilim. Ma'panganib. Maraming pasikot'sikot. Akala mo tama 'yung trail na tinatahak mo, ang 'di mo alam, naliligaw ka parin. Sa jungle ko, mapag'laro ang panahon. Aaraw ngayon, maya'maya may bagyo. 'Yan ako. Mahirap kilalanin. Mahirap timplahin. Walang nakaka'alam ng real identity ko. Alter Ego, si Tuesday ako para sa lahat, pero iba na 'pag nag'iisa nalang ako. Sanay ako sa ganito, gamay ko ang jungle ko. 'Di kaya mas magandang ako nalang ang mag'sabi ng "welcome to the jungle"? Gusto ko kayong i'welcome sa jungle ko, o mas gusto kong tawaging "mundo ko".

This is the Friendster message I sent him on May 12, 2009..

hi ralph...

wala lang.. la kasi ko masabihan ng feelings ko wih... may n'confess kasi sakin si Jeffmar kagabi... I tried to act as if ok lang ako pero I know na deep inside hindi.. as a matter of fact,I cried my self to sleep...

si Marnel, magiging tatay na!!!

ewan ko nga kung bakit ako umiyak weh... 'di ko sigurado kung dahil sa masaya 'ko para sa kanya or may iba pang reason... alam mo na...

hehe! napaka-b*tch ko no?!

e alam n'yo naman lahat kung ano 'yung feelings for him ko d'ba? ewan ko kung nasabi ko na sa'yo pero palagi kong sinasabi na hindi na 'ko magmamahal ulit ng iba kung hind rin lang ikaw, unless si Marnel 'yun...

talagang may exception???

ralph, napapag-iwanan na talaga 'ko no? hehe.. pero don't get me wrong, I'm happy for him. nasabi na n'ya sakin yon noon na 'yun ang plan n'ya sa buhay n'ya weh.. kahit naman 'yung mama n'ya sinabi sa'kin na gusto n'ya mag-asawa na si Marnel after graduation...

PHOTSKIE, 'wag mo muna gagawin 'yon wah? hehe... nakikialam nanaman si Tuesday!

alam mo, marami ka pang magagawa sa buhay kaya 'wag mo munang sayangin 'yung opportunities. dadating din naman 'yung time na 'yon para sa'yo weh... alam ko pagdating ng time na 'yon, magiging mabuti kang daddy sa magiging anak mo... at asawa sa babaeng papakasalan mo...

si Marnel, alam ko magiging responsible s'ya... kilala ko 'yun weh, ilang beses na din kami nagkaron ng serious talks... kaya alam ko na may mga plans na s'ya para sa future n'ya...

Ingat ka palagi PHOTSKIE!! ilang weeks nalang start na ng college, so good luck! I miss you!!

"Pag mahal mo ang isang tao, gusto mo palagi mo s'yang kasama kaysa sa iba."

So, I was never Ralph Jhonel's love. But maybe it doesn't have to mean that he must not like it being with me. But with that statement he told me this afternoon, things became clearer than ever. Maybe not crystal, at least less muddled enough to reflect his true feelings.

He texted me that statement and made me hurt. Not because I know I was never his love -- I always knew that, thank you very much -- but because it made the reason why he never showed himself since January so obvious. It's because I am who he refer to when he say "iba". I was being too ambitious all along thinking that one day, we're going to see each other again and everthing will be okay. I was really acting too pathetic to think that I was special. Now it turned out I am just nobody to him.

It's true what he said, that when you love someone you always want to be with that person. Don't he realize that I want to always be with him? And that is because I love him. I really do. But truth hurts, reality bites. I am not the one he wants to share his time with.

H'wag mong isipin yon Hindi ka no'n mahal
H'wag yang katangahan mo ang pinapairal
Alam mo nang niloloko ka n'ya
Pero nagbubulag-bulagan ka
Hindi mo ba napapansin
Nakekengkoy ka na

Eh ano ngayon kung nagmumuka lang akong gago? Basta ang alam ko, masaya ako sa ginagawa ko. Sabi nga nila, gawin mo kung ano'ng nagpapasaya sa'yo. Dito 'ko masaya, 'yung mahalin kita ng sobra-sobra. Hindi na importante kung may aasahan pa ba 'kong pagmamahal galing sayo. Dahil ang totoo, alam ko na'ng imposibleng mahalin mo din ako. Pero gano'n parin, hihintayin parin kita. Hindi na mahalaga kung dadating ka ba o hindi, basta hihintayin kita. Alam kong naiinis ka na. Alam ko rin na napipilitan ka lang na makitungo sa'kin. Pero sana alam mo na lahat gagawin ko, magbago lang 'yung tingin mo sa'kin. Alam kong pinipilit mo lang na makipag-kaibigan sa'kin. 'Diba ikaw na ang may sabi non? Nasaktan talaga 'ko nu'ng nalaman ko 'yon. Kasi ikaw, napaka-halaga mo sa'kin. Pero ako, balewala lang pala sa'yo. Pero salamat na rin kasi kahit na kunwari lang pala, naging magkaibigan tayo. Alam mo bang napapasaya mo 'ko? Palagi kong maaalala lahat ng mga bagay na ginawa mo na nakapagpasaya sa'kin. 'Yun nalang ang matitira sa'kin, puro mga alaala. 'Yun nalang ang panghahawakan ko, kasi dun lang ako naging masaya. Alam ko hindi na ulit ako magiging masaya katulad no'n, kasi hindi ka magiging sa'kin kahit kailan.

H'wag manghinayang don may mas babagay pa
Igala-gala mo lang ang mga mata
At kung sa pag-ihip nitong hangin
Dama mo na ikaw ay napuwing
Probema mo't suliranin aking aalisin

Alam ko marami pa 'kong makikilalang iba, lalo na pag pasok ko ng college. Pero sa tingin ko wala na 'kong mahahanap na katulad mo. Ang totoo, ayoko na'ng maghanap pa. Ikaw nalang ang mamahalin ko, hindi na 'ko magmamahal ulit ng iba. Pero hindi na 'ko hihiling sa'yo na tumbasan 'tong pagmamahal ko, alam kong hindi mo 'yon magagawa. Sana hayaan mo nalang ako na mahalin ka, pangako 'di kita pipilitin kung talagang 'di mo kaya. Ito lang ang kaya kong gawin, ang magtiis para sa'yo. Mag-bigay na walang hinihintay na kapalit. Mahal kita. Mahal na mahal. Lahat titiisin ko, hayaan mo lang akong mahalin ka at hintayin ka. Kahit 'di ka dumating. Habambuhay na kitang mamahalin, 'yun lang 'yun bagay na sigurado ako. Kaya kahit na ilan pa ang magkamaling magustuhan ako, walang kahit isa sa kanila ang mabibigyan ko ng atens'yon. Dahil ikaw lang ang minahal ko, ikaw lang ang mahal ko, at ikaw lang ang mamahalin ko. Sa'yo ko na inalay 'tong puso ko. At kahit na alam kong masasaktan lang ako, hindi parin ako susuko. Ayokong mapunta sa iba 'tong puso ko, dahil sa'yo lang 'to nakalaan. Bawat tibok nito, para sa'yo. Kaya hindi ko hahayaang mapunta 'to sa iba.

Tumingin ka sa iba at iyong makikita
Yung di ka iiwan di na mag-iisa
Tumingin ka kung saan
Kikislap ang 'yong mga mata
At gugulong ka sa katatawa

Natatakot ako, baka totoo ngang gusto n'ya 'ko. Pero alam n'ya naman na ikaw ang mahal ko. Natatakot ako na masaktan ko s'ya, dahil alam ko kung pa'no masaktan. Pero wala akong magagawa, ikaw parin ang pipiliin ko ano mang mangyari. Sana hindi totoong nahuhulog na ang loob n'ya sa'kin, dahil ayokong mangyari 'yon. Alam n'ya lahat ng pinapagdaanan ko. May ilang beses na ba 'kong umiyak sa kan'ya tuwing nasasaktan mo ko? S'ya ang naging takbuhan ko, shock absorber ko s'ya. Nakinig s'ya sa lahat ng sumbong ko. S'ya ang nagpapatahan sa'kin 'pag iniiyakan kita. Minsan siguro nagsasawa na s'ya sa mga kwento ko eh. Pero 'di n'ya ko iniwan kahit kailan. Minsan 'di lang s'ya umiimik, pero alam ko dinadamayan n'ya 'ko. Madalas idinadaan namin sa inuman lahat ng problema ko. Kung wala s'ya hindi ko alam kung kaya ko. Alam ko masasaktan lang s'ya 'pag nagkataong totoo ngang gusto n'ya ko. Alam ko magiging napaka-unfair ko na ikaw parin ang pipiliin ko imbes na s'ya. Ito ba ang igaganti ko sa lahat ng ginawa n'ya para sa'kin? Pero alam ko maiintindihan n'ya. Magiging masaya s'ya para sa'kin, sigurado 'yun. Alam kong alam n'ya na ikaw lang ang makakapagpasaya sa'kin. Dahil ikaw ang mahal ko, ikaw lang

Ha!ha!ha! masaya
'di ka na mangangamba
Hindi ka na magmumukhang tanga
At kung manhid ka kasi mahal mo pa s'ya
Naku umayos ka marami pang iba

Manhid nga siguro 'ko, na kahit gaano man kasakit 'tong pinagdadaanan ko eh patuloy parin kitang minamahal. Na pinagpipilitan ko parin ang sarili ko sa'yo kahit na alam kong 'di mo ko gusto. Na nagagawa ko paring ngumiti kahit na alam kong malungkot ang magiging kapalaran ko. Na pinili kong mabuhay mag-isa habang may nasasaktan akong iba. Na hindi ako susubok na humanap ng iba, as if may mahahanap pa. Na nagmamahal ako habang nanggugulo sa tahimik buhay ng iba. Manhid nga siguro ako. Kasi kahit gano'n, mahal parin kita. Kahit na alam kong may mahal kang iba. Kahit alam kong wala akong pag-asa. Mahal kita. Ano man ang sabihin nila, magmuka man akong gago, maging mag-isa man ako habang buhay, dumating ka man sa dulo o hindi, mahal parin kita, hihintayin parin kita.

Sa palagay ko hindi. Pero wala naman ako'ng magagawa eh, 'di ko mababago 'yon. Ayoko rin namang ipilit sa'yo na ma-miss mo din ako dahil nangako na 'ko na hindi na 'ko magiging demanding kahit kailan. Gusto ko sana, kahit 'yung pangako lang na 'yon matupad ko. Para kahit pa'no, masabi mo na may ginawa ako'ng tama at ma-realize mo na hindi ako kasing sensitive katulad ng iniisip mo. Pero hindi naman mahalaga ngayon sa'kin kung tama ba o mali 'tong ginagawa ko eh. Basta ang sigurado ko, natutupad ko 'yung pangako ko na hindi na 'ko magiging sobrang demanding. Mukhang nag-e-enjoy ka naman 'ata eh.

Aaminin ko sa'yo, sobrang miss na kita. Biruin mo, isang buwan na tayong 'di nagkakasama. Kung alam mo lang kung ga'no na 'ko ka-desperado na makasama ka ulit kahit na isang segundo lang. Alam mo na magiging sobrang saya ko 'pag nangyari 'yon. Pero katulad ng naipangako ko, hindi ko ide-demand sa'yo na gawin 'yon para sa'kin. Dahil ayokong aksayahin ang isang segundo mo para mapangiti lang ako.

Ayokong isipin mo na nagda-drama nanaman ako, gusto kong malaman mo na nasasaktan ako. Bakit balewala lang sa'yo kung hindi man tayo nagkikita? Samantalang ako, mamatay-matay sa sobrang pagka-miss ko sa'yo. Natatakot ako na baka wala na ngang chance para magkasama tayo ulit. March na, huling hirit para sa'tin, pero walang linaw kung makaka-hirit pa ba 'ko ng isang segundo para makatabi ka. Sobrang labo. Parang imposible na'ng mangyari.

Minsan natatawa ako sa sarili ko na wala na 'kong ibang alam sabihin kundi tungkol kay Shawnee at kay Em-em para lang makuha ang atensyon mo. Isang walang muwang na bata at isang walang laban na manika, ginagawa kong paraan para makausap ka. Pero, wala naman ako'ng ibang alam na gawin eh. 'Yun lang ang paraan para pansinin mo ko. Ngayong alam mo na, wala na kong natitirang pag-asang mapansin mo pa. Sa palgay ko, ang gusto ko lang sabihin eh "nami-miss na kita!". Hindi mo ba 'ko nami-miss? Sana alam mo na kahit na ano'ng mangyari, nandito lang ako, hinihintay ka parin. Ilang linggo nalang kakailanganing ko na'ng tuluyang magpaalam sa'yo. Pero pakiramdam ko, matagal ka na'ng nawala sa'kin.

That is such a silly name, I thought, but catchy at the same time. I can't help but to laugh out loud but managed to control my self as I don't want to wake everybody who's been in their deepest sleep (it was the wee hours, you know).

On Valentines day, I was really bored. I stayed home and waited for 7o'clock PM for Ralph Jhonel. So I found a way to chase boredom away, I made my self a doll. I am used of making my own dolls, but they're no ordinary dolls by the way, I love making voodoo dolls. But this particular event, as it was Valentines day, I decided I'm not making any creepy voodoo dolls. So I made one from natural materials instead. It's head is a dried-out betel nut fruit and the body's made from mango tree branches. It has a hair that's reminiscent of Emily the Strange because of it's bangs. It's arms are long, even longer than it's body. And it's legs are short.

I told Ralph Jhonel about the doll, and asked him to give it a name. It was almost 3 in the morning when he finally came up with a name, Marilyn, form Marilyn Manson. I doubt about the name, "What if she got mistaken for a boy?".

"So let's just call her Marilyn Reynes instead!" he finally said after a long while. I really had a good laugh when he told me that, but found it really cute. I realized how cute Ralph Jhonel can be. I really missed it talking to him like that. Now that we're talking again, I know that the thing that happened between the two us had already patched itself up. We're friends again, there's no need for saying it at all. The mere fact that Ralph Jhonel talks to me again simply proves that the off-season is over. He's finally back to his old self. And I'm glad about it.

Three weeks of giving each other the cold shoulder was really crucial. Now that we're friends again, I'm going to take care of this friendship with all the best that I can. I promised him not to be too demanding again, and I'll do that for certain. Because I don't want to jeopardize this friendship again. I'm really going to kill my self if that happens once more.

To say "Good morning!" to Marilyn Reynes, or Em-em, is what I do first thing in the morning. She so far never fails to make me smile each time I'm going to see her. Maybe because she reminds me of the new friendship Ralph Jhonel and I started. She's like a trophy I won after a hard challenge. The challenge I went through in the last three weeks. Now that it's over, this trophy, or Em-em as what we call her, is going to be a reminder for me that I should take care of this friendship with Ralph Jhonel. For everytime I'm going to see Em-em, I'm going to be reminded to be thankful to God that Ralph Jhonel came back to my life. And as long as I live, I'm going to keep this doll with me. The same way I'm going to keep Ralph Jhonel in my heart forever.

Call me insane. I tried to kill my self last night because of Ralph Jhonel. It was the first time I cried that hard that I almost attempted to harm my self. It wasn't going to be the first time I'm hurting my self because of him though. On January 31st, at around 4o'clock in the morning, I cut my wrist (the left one, just to be precise), spelling out "I LOVE U RALPH", just because I was feeling bad about my self that I was being pathetic to get Ralph Jhonel too angry towards me. Now that's insane!

Last night was another story. I was really hurt and my system cannot take it anymore. I burst out with tears every-so-often that I remember how Ralph Jhonel did ignore me for the nth time. I was really, really upset and I cry my heart out. I initially thought about the razor blade I'm keeping. I even already sent him my supposed-to-be famous last words through text, saying, "If I die tonight, always remember I love you and I'm sorry for what I've done. Bye Photskie."

Sometimes, it pays to be coward. Good thing I only half-heartedly want to suddenly leave. Ralph Jhonel and I got better during the dawn this morning. I realized I was expecting to go to heaven when my heaven is actually here on earth all along. How can I think of taking my life when my life is him. Ralph Jhonel, a.k.a. my heaven, my life. Here on earth is where I'm supposed to be. Because he's here. He brings me to heaven with just a single smile. He makes my life worth living. My heaven, my life. I couldn't really ask for more.

Corps Commander. Mr. President. Mr. (soon-to-be) Valedictorian. And now, Prom King. My God, Ralph Jhonel is such an icon. No wonder I'm head-over-heels in love with him. He can have this title this moment and another one the next. I'm starting to believe he might be a God!

Last night's the prom night. Ralph Jhonel texts in the afternoon bragging out how good looking he was. "This guy is too over-confident about himself." I told my self, smiling. I mean, there's no doubt he's handsome, it is one of the many things I love about him, but you don't say things like such about your self just that. Other people are the ones supposed to make the spiel. I carried on with my own thing anyway (I was in charge of doing my cousin's hair and make-up).

We arrived at the venue late. I found my self searching for a particular face, Ralph Jhonel's face, the love of my life's face. I found him in no time. It wasn't hard to spot him through the crowd in coats and ties and gowns because he just simply stands out among the others. Damn! He wasn't telling the truth when he said he's good looking, because it turned out it was an understatement. The real thing is Ralph Jhonel is drop-dead gorgeous. Dressed to kill. A God on earth.

He's done this before many, many times; be himself and look gorgeous while some poor sap (like me) leans in towards him and just constantly stares in awe. He's probably heard it all before, he's handsome, he's a genius, he gets away with everything with just a flash of his pearly-whites (Oh, his smile!). He's got a special place in my heart, this Ralph Jhonel Gatmaitan, and I know he is one of the guys I will never tire of seeing.

That he is handsome is hardly a proffered opinion more so as a universal truth. Looking to his better-than-average physical attributes for longer than a couple of seconds, I can't help but to feel a sensation not unlike that of drowning; I felt completely helpless and lost; I was throwing punches underwater. But it is an exquisite agony, and instead of panicking, I felt my self surrendering completely to the emotion.

I found my self smiling every time Ralph Jhonel appears in my peripheral vision. I feel so lucky to be this perfect creature's friend. OK, maybe not perfect, maybe an anthropomorphic personification of a Greek God. That's more like it!

But I can't show my self to him. Three weeks ago, I put our friendship in jeopardy. He said I was being paranoid, thinking about too many things that doesn't even exist. I said it was my instinct, more like a sixth sense, knowing it's actually happening but hoping upon hope that it's not. This friendship with Ralph Jhonel is subject to a failure. I'm trying my best to hold tight to what's left of us. But things are getting too complicated. It is like having Boracay sand inside my fist. And the more I try to hold on tight, the more it slips through my fingers.

I cry my self to sleep in the last three weeks thinking, "How can I make things go back to the way it was?" I already apologized to Ralph Jhonel, but going back to 'the way it was' is not quite there yet. I'm starting to hurry things up because vacation is fast approaching. And summer means goodbye for us. I try to do my best to make things right, if only I can turn back time.

He was the last one called, the Prom King. My heart leaped as the host announces Ralph Jhonel's victory. He walked towards the center-stage and every one's admiring the God in front of us. I'm so proud of him, I hope he knows I am. He had his first dance with his queen and I watched him do his thing so perfectly. The best thing I can do was to imagine I was his queen. But it's the craziest, most impossible thought for an imagination. Because I am not his queen. I was never his queen. And I know I never will be.

I left even before the dance ends. I thanked God for bringing Ralph Jhonel to my life. Ralph Jhonel: Corps Commander. Mr. President. Mr. Valedictorian-in-the-making. Prom King. A God on earth. But I prefer calling him Photskie, the love of my life, my Amorsolo. And to finally know how it feels like to be his queen, I know I'll be right here waiting for the rest of my life.

"What things should I tell Ralph Jhonel to make him transform back to his old self?" I found my self asking to Frankie out of nowhere. "I already tried everything."

That's true. I tried everything I could just to win our friendship back, but nothing really worked. I text, tried to call, sent a letter, but the distance between us won't get any closer. It's really frustrating. It's killing me.

I can't really think of a possible reason why he's doing this to me. That's what makes it more frustrating and harder to make amends. How can I ever make things right if I don't even know what went wrong in the first place? You don't have an idea how hard it is for me to try to analyze the previous events Ralph Jhonel and I went through just to extract anything that could possibly trigger to this current situation. Did I get him upset? Did I say -- or do -- something wrong? I really don't know.

I so badly want to initiate reconciliation, but how can I do so if he won't even give a damn about me? I'm not sure he's going to refuse to reconcile with me. It's not that my self-esteem is low, it's just that Ralph Jhonel has never been like this to me before. He must be really upset to turn his back to me just that.

"He f*cking hates me!" I used to tell my self. Now I think it was a prophecy. Maybe this is my destiny; to live my life without Ralph Jhonel. To see him but can't touch. He feels so far away, and won't come any closer. Maybe this is the real "Tuesday's doomsday", the end of me -- and my dreams. Is it time to wake up from this and accept that I am doomed? He f*cking hates me, but it doesn't mean I have to forget about him. I love him. I so f*cking do. I love Ralph Jhonel so much, and that's the only thing I am holding on to.

It's like a crumpled paper that no matter how hard we try to bring it back to it's original look, it will never look the same again.


I saw Ralph Jhonel just now from afar, and man, he's as cute as ever. I really missed him big time. But I know that things aren't the same anymore between the two of us. It all started a while ago, two weeks to be exact. After the movie we were making, he suddenly transformed into a different person -- the one I can't seem to appreciate. I tried to SMS him but he just won't give a response. And by the way, I was trying to call him last night but he won't answer the call. I was totally hurt. I even cried. So I called Marnel and Jhep and asked them if they're interested to drink the night away.

It was 11PM when I met up with Jhep, Marnel came after a while. It took us an hour to finally get to drinking. Marnel and Jhep might noticed my silence, so they asked. I too realized that I wasn't talking the whole night. I was hurt, and I can't take that fact off my mind. And that might be the cause of my being quiet. I just can't accept the fact that Ralph Jhonel can take it getting me hurt this bad. I remember me saying to Frankie after the infamous attempted call to Ralph Jhonel, "How can Ralph Jhonel do this to me? I wasn't doing wrong to him to make him hate me so much." Tears falling from my eyes. Good thing that my "mga men" somehow know just how to make me feel better. We watched a pretty hilarious DVD called "Timba at Tabo", and I really had good laughs. We then watched "Megamol" after the other. I am not really a fan of Pinoy movies, but I found my self smiling for the first time that night. I wondered how would the night be if Ralph Jhonel was around. It could've been more than that. But at the back of my mind, I'm not sure we're going to act normal in the presence of each other. I'm afraid of it to happen to us, I really am. But I just can't do something to avoid that. It's hard to try when he himself won't try too. I don't want to force my self to him. I don't want to make it seem as if this friendship is falling -- though it's somehow a reality, and I really feel bad. The thing is, I don't want to make it obvious so that it won't be hard for the both of us to patch things up.

He texted me this morning, explaining on how he missed the infamous call I was trying to make last night -- as if I was asking for his explanation. He said that he was in bed and already asleep when I was calling. Yeah right! How can it be possible that his mobile was ringing at the first few attempts, then turned off after a while, then on again and he was sleeping? OK. Maybe I'm just being too paranoid. Maybe his mobile has a life of it's own.

My baby sister Shawnee and I misses Ralph Jhonel so much. Shawnee always go inside my room and ask for "Putkie" (that`s what she calls Ralph Jhonel). And I`ll find my self telling her things like, "Putkie won`t come here that often anymore." and "I`m missing him too." It feels as if I am a mother talking to her child, explaining that her Daddy is away somewhere for work. And that`s exactly what it feels like actually. And things can`t be more nostalgic, I miss Ralph Jhonel even more whenever I get inside my Dad`s house for we spent the last one month almost living there. Now it feels like our own.

January 30, 2009

I fail to see Ralph Jhonel in ages and I`m starting to miss him terribly. It`s been a week since we finished the film we were making and we didn`t find time to see each other since. But thank God I saw him the other day. It doesn`t matter if he noticed me or not, what matters is that I got a dose of him.

I thought Ralph Jhonel and I won't get any closer since November 29th of 2008. I can still remember how it felt like being dumped by someone you can't do without. We gained distance for quite a while, and man, it was terrible. I'd find myself crying at night over the song "Right Here Waiting" with the company of Marlboro and cups of coffee. The nights felt like forever, and I was totally lethargic. I even thought of cutting my wrist to spell out "PHOTSKIE", and thought it can be a perfect way of getting his attention. But even before handing that razor blade, I felt pathetic as hell. So I decided to just go on with my life and let whatever happens happen.

Christmas break was a blast. I finally got the chance to talk to Ralph Jhonel via my brand new Motorola (courtesy of my Ate Shishi). Ralph Jhonel told me he's spending his Christmas break doing a school project. He needs to make a movie of any story and I can tell he's having a hard time. So I offered help. But he didn't seek that help at first. I thought maybe he just don't want to get me involved with anything he do as he don't want to do anything with me. But I was wrong, he asked if I can help him the next day. And I didn't hesitate.

I suggested my own storyline and thank God he loves it. We planned right away. I spent hours and sleepless nights writing the script. We planned on the castings and locations and everything that's needed. So everything's set. We're ready to shoot.

Lights... Camera... Action!

It's a dream-come-true for me to work behind the cameras. It is a dream-come-true for me to spend more time with Ralph Jhonel as well. This could be a perfect chance for me to make the most out of the remaining times with him. I only have a little time to be with him as the summer fast approaches. It feels like i must hurry things up in making as much memorable moments as I can, so he won't forget about me when he go to college. But the more I try, the more I get sad. Because no matter how many memories I make, he will still be away in the end.

But don't get me wrong, I am happy for him. Not happy that he's going away, happy that he's going to pursue his dreams. I always try to be supportive to him, especially if it concerns his studies. Though sometimes I feel like I'm getting my self too much involved. I just want to be with him. I know he understands.

The story where Ralph Jhonel and I are the lead characters is not as wonderful as the stories in some movies. What matters is that we somehow made our real-life love story. There's no need for a happy ending at all. Because for me, I don't want this story to end.

Life is like a movie. Only, there are no cameras involved. You are the director of your own movie, it's all up to you how you like the story to flow. The script is your own words. You must be careful for there are no retakes when you mess up with things. And above all, not all love stories end up with "happily ever after".

Cut!